Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Science Fiction

E - Everyone Mature Content

Chapter 1 part 2

by queenofscience


( A/N This is my secont part of my re-writen chapter 1. )

☆☆☆

Phe McFerson’s body was practically taking a bath in sunlight, as the light surrounding her like yellow water. Warmth that was as soft as the down of a newly hatched Avyal leached into the dark blue feathers that encased her body.

Sunlight highlighted her scrubs, to a sunflower yellow. The already happy and bright scrubs were made every more joyful by the various 2-D anthropomorphic animals who wore cloths-characters from 2-D Utopia movies.

Natures light and warmth spread across the the white painted bed frame, as it warmed the blue and pink pastel chairs, and reflected a sliver of rainbow from the vase that was sitting on the wooden table.

The scrubs helm ripped across the 14 year old’s body, the fabric loose. Originally, the scrubs fit Phe better than they did now, they were tighter, not loose around her shoulders that now had a slight angle to them.

Not only were Phe’s shoulders a bit atrophied, but her face was a bit thin as well. A feeding tube sprouted from Phe’s left nostril like a root. Her semi-conscious body was slack: her giant eyes closed, her black lips, face, and body, slack as if she was a sleeping princess in a Utopia movie, as her delicate breaths puffed in the air like a humidifier, delicut like lavender.

Gastric pain was masked so well that any medical professional who weren't informed about Phe’s medical history would have easily mistaken the in-pain teenager for simply having took a nap.

Although Phe’s intestines could usually tolerate lactose, her smooth gastric muscles were clenching and relaxing, similar to a woman's reproductive organs before giving birth. The goat's-milk yogurt was being utilized as a treatment to keep the bacteria Citrospirillae echinoform, that was present in healthy Avyals, in check.

Her mother, Elise, was in a chair the corner window, with sunlight to here back, warming her. Comic books were stacked on the sill next to her. They were for Phe.

Elise’s feathers were dark blue and were speckled with black. On her head, sitting in between two tufted squirrel ears, was a light blue satin cap that had the appearance of a squished cylinder. On the cap was fabric loops to thread a ribbon through that tied in large bowtie in the back. Elise’s ribbon of choice was made of satin and was baby blue, a different shade than the cap altogether. Her grey ‘poodle’ dress had a pink poodle embroidered in the fabric. This popular design that was the hallmark of the 50’s had come back, even though the year was 1982. A tiny silver crucifix was pinned in the fabric, near her right shoulder, displaying her religious choice and values of being Christian.

While waiting for her husband to return from getting food, Elise decided to flip through of comic books issues of the adventures of Bird and Raccoon, as she was deciding what segment to read to Phe.

As she was flipping through, a foul, pungent, odor crept over to Elise. Parents who weren't accustomed to caring for someone with chronic gastric issues would of have behaved like a majority of society. But not Elise! Even as the sharp vomit-like odor wafted up her nose. She as well as her husband understood that this was a necessary biological function that occurred in all living organisms- whether it was riding the body of urine,feces,or flatus. The process was normal, natural, and healthy.

She knew what she had to do. She depressed a button on the side of the wall that was near the door to summon a nurse.

And Elise bore the stench, her stoic face clearly expressing dignity for herself and her daughter.

Elise could have wrinkled her nose!

Elise could have grimaced!

Elise could have cried “Ew!” or “That’s disgusting!”

She could have cracked a smile or laughed, having a completely insensitive attitude.

But she didn’t!

Phe’s mother approached her illness much more professionally than the white,black, and brown spotted Squ’gee who rolled a medical cart into the room. The women was wearing a white, short-sleeved dress that went down to her knees. A white, rectangular, crescent-shaped cap sat on her head-- a nursing uniform.

As the women was changing Phe, her nose wrinkled. She gave a heavy sigh, “Couldn’t hold it, could we, Miss Phe McFerson?” The woman's tone was even, yet it was condescending. After she was finished cleaning Phe up, she pushed a clear liquid medicine though the I.V. line

The whole time Elise watched, she could of heard the sound of the nurse pulling a face- then the soft sound of sobbing from Phe as her chest heaved. It was clear that Phe was embarrassed. Despite the medications effects, she was still able to hear and respond to touch somewhat.

Elise closed her eyes and shook her head in exhaustion. All her life she’d dealt with various doctors and nurses belittling Phe. And this was just another one. She couldn't let the nurse's behavior go unnoticed. Elise didn’t want her believing  that this was acceptable.

Phe’s mother drew her over to the side. Her voice was calm, yet firm despite the situation. Her accent flowed like cursive, although the Germanic accent was not supposed to be beautiful. The accent was smooth,calm, and pleasant to the ears. Despite what others may think, it didn’t sound angry, not at all.

Elise turned towards the nurse and spoke, her tone was kind, yet firm. “ I vish zat you vould have more compassion venn caring for vy daughter.”

This was a nurse who was randomly assigned Phe’s case. Regardless, the nurse should of treated Phe like any other patient, regardless of a gastric disorder or not. She was still a living thing with a sentiment brain, feeling, likes and dislikes, aspirations. This is what Phe’s father, Gift, would say. The thought of requesting a new nurse pushed through her brain like a doctor having performed a lobotomy. To Elise and Gift, any doctor or nurse who didn’t delivered sub-standard treatment and care, was not worth their time to listen to their medical plight.

Instead of speaking to the nurse curtly, or snapping at her to, ‘get out’ Elise used this moment to teach. The nurse wasn’t going to walk out without a lesson.

The mother Avyal gave a soft sigh, closed her giant eyes, and shook her head as if it was bobbing from side to side. A swift flick of her pupils sent them downcase as her eyelids drooped slightly. The position was fixed as she spoke., “ Kindness. Just a shred of kindness has never hurt anyvon.” The nurses brown eyes grew wide as they stayed on the Avyal mother.”

You've never had to raise a sick child, have you've. Be kind to zem, you know, your patients. Zey deserve respect just like you. I don’t care ees dey can't speak, can’t hear, can’t see, or anyzing else for zat matter… “ Her voice faltered for a moment at she blinked rapidly to keep her tears from going over the edge. Love, kindness, and integrity, were highly regarded values to her and her family. The moment she ceased to blink was when the tears cascaded down her face, as she let them flow freely.

“Dey deserve kindness, and love, and dignity- to be treated like beings! Ve all deserve zat! To be loved. And to be treated kindly. Vy mama and papa though me zat, virtues are thought. Kindness and acceptance are thought. “

God was valued, too, by Phe and her husband, Gift, dispite being Jewish. A spark of hesitation popped into Elise’s mind about what she was going to say next, but her message would not be complete, or as effective, without it. God, among other values, were unwavering and true. ”God has taught ve does things, too. Vy daughter, Phe, has taught me time and time again. Yes, I sometimes get angry eet Phe, because i’m exhausted width caring for her, because i’m a mother. But, you know, I love her, and God cherishes her,too. But, you know, eet’s not Phe’s fault zat she’s ill. There ees no need to be curt. You catch more flies wid honey zan you do wid vinegar.” And that concluded her wisdom speail.

The nurse, now moved by her words, backed towards the door. The Squ’gee’s giant eyes were involuntary wet. Her first though was that the Avyal  women who had the goal of manipulation in mind, just so for pity, just to get her way, her daughter's way. But this wasn’t the case. The mother’s words were so powerful, so full of emotion, that it had to have been genuine.  The beliefs that the cross stood for, which was on Elise’s dress, supported her values.

Before the nurse exited the room, Elise requested a new nurse, just like she said she would.

As the Squ’gee women went about her day, the Averal’s wise words kept playing in her head like earwigs. Those words were impossible to forget, and they played in her head until she wept. She didn’t know why she wept, but, after that, she begun looking at her job in a new light. To be kind and treat others with respect.

Elise returned to the chair, and resumed flipping through comic book issues, as she waited for her husband.

Phe’s room, 204, had always been Phe’s room while she wasn’t at home. The room was always decorated for when she’d arrived with lifelike flower, removable wall decals. Loud action words and inspirational quote bubbles hung on the white walls as if they were floating. Phe’s knew these quotes by heart! They were from her favorite comics ever, Bird and Raccoon!

Bird and Raccoon were two animal super heroes, a Blue Jay and and Raccoon. They both fought against the vileness Dr. K and his wide array of gadgets to help him conquer some sort of nasty plan!

Elise’s giant blue eyes softly glistened as she scanned the glossy issue, analyzing it.

“I know you hear ve, Miss Phe. I know you hear vy voice. Venn your better ve can sign up on ze intervebs, so that you can get your vish granted by Your-A-Star! Zenn, ve’ll take you to meet zem!”

Phe’s eyelids crinkled just slightly. She heard. She also heard another noise. Her ear flicked once, as if she was a cow warding off bothersome, pesky flies. It was the soft creaking noise of a wooden cabinet being opened, ending in a soft thawk as it hit the wall.

Phe knew what she meant by her mother saying ‘them.’ She’d get to meet Bird and Raccoon-well someone impersonating them at least.

Regardless, Bird and Raccoon were her heroes! And they encouraged her to fight. Fight. Every. Day.

To fight her illness!

To fight for equality!

To fight for friends!

To fight because God would want her to!

To be bigger, stronger, and braver than her life obstacles!

In a sense, to be her own superhero! To be big and brave with the guidance of God.

However, mostly she enjoyed the comics because the main characters were animals and that the genre was science fiction.

“ I haven't gotten to do Your-A-Star,” said a timid female voice.

As Elise’s head whipped towards the direction of the voice, her giant irises appeared grow two times in size. A hand flew towards her chest as she involuntarily gasped,” Goodness, gracious, Villow! Young vomen, you scared me! Oooohh, don’t do zat!”

“ Sorry. I’m very sorry.” Her face burned and her arms and legs tingled as she was involuntarily trembling from the sudden rush of adrenalin.

“ I haven't done Your-A-Star yet,neither has Brianna. I don’t know what my wish would be... Well-” and she flashed a smile,” either it’d want to see Ms.McAllister,or to something involving Bird and Raccoon. I don’t know.” Then Willow’s eyes darted around, her chest lifted away from her body, as she was tactically aware of her heart as it pumped blood without any errors through her circulatory system. In a sudden rush of excitement, her breathing was not automatic as she had to consciously remind herself to breath. Willow’s speech was winded as her breath whooshed out, as it faded and her words took a nosedive, halting.

“ Ms. McAllister is amazing. She works for You-A-Star, and I send letters to her often. I ask her for advise, and talk to her about my feeling, and vision loss, and everything else. She helps me cope…” A few breathers were gasped, as she felt dizzy for a moment before babbling, “Phe might like talking with a pen-pal. Ms. McAllister helps me a lot. You-A-Star has a program where you can have a pen-pal, and talk to them about anything under the sun. It’s fantastic! I want to see her one day!”

●Need help with a subway into this, a transition for Willow’s emotions. I want her to feel sympathy for Phe.●



Willow then said, “ I was hiding from the nurse. I couldn’t get caught.” Willow knew the rules, that, if broken, would turn into a legal matter. Technically, Willow’s shouldn’t have been in the nurses proximity, whether it dealt with medical information or a procedure.

Elise then cocked her head in sympathy. “ Oh, Villow, honey, you've been crying. Looks like you've both been crying.” She was referring to both Phe and Willow, as she was blotting both girl’s eyes. As she did she smiled softly, a genuine mother smile.

When she was cleaning Willow up, she inquired about her sobbing. The kind-hearted,sympathetic teenager’s voices came out in a long-winded whisper.“ I-I can’t stand to see doctors and nurses treat her that w-way. Phe’s sick. She’s really sick!,” Then she yelled. She was sick of the medial ‘humorizing’ illness,” It’s not funny, Ms.McFerson. it’s not funny. We shouldn’t laugh at the sick! The digestive tract isn’t funny, yet, as-as the culture in America, we laugh at it! We laugh! The media thinks it’s so funny; excrement, passing gas, passing urine, having sex-normal bodily functions!

The whole thing was just a ramble, a expression of feeling, so much so that her breathing was noisy like a that of flat-nosed dog breed. She didn’t have time get scientific.

“ I know,” Elise said gently, her voice as delicate as Baby’s Breath.” In Europe, ve don’t have the same attitude towards ze body like you American’s do. In our culture, ze body is respected and scared, a masterpiece that ve need to care for and respect. Not a plaything, or a zing to laugh at, no,no. Definitely not!”

And Elise spread her arms. Willow nearly collapsed into her body, as she resisted the urge to enabled fresh tears to roll down her face. A strong, yet firm grip held her body, as the pressure from the embrasse released the emotional tension as well as physical tension.

“ You both have to fight battles. All of you disabled, ill children have to fight battles. I know i’m not your mother,but, Villow, always use your voice. Do vats right in your heart, and trust in God to defeat your battles. Spitefulness, being rough, and being a brute, vill get you nowhere. Eet von’t solve anything. Never does. I’m saying dis from a Christian to another Christian.” Then she said on a slightly different note,” Your mother must of raised you and your sister vell. Vat a good mother!” Elise smiled, as her feather prickled slightly in joy.

“ Mother has taught us both well, with integrity, and always advocating for an education for us. It’s funny, she doesn't look like me, nor Brianna. “ She laughed a bit. “ She looks like she came from the Middle East, not from America, although she was born here.”

Willow peeled away from her arms. Her eyes were still moist, but her crying died down. Now, Elise could focus on her daughter.

“When, Papa comes back, ve’ll sing ‘Edelveiss’, Phe!” Said Elise in a cheerful tone. She was talking about ‘Edelweiss’ from The Sound of Music. Phe enjoyed musicals, especially singing along to them. Phe had a few favorites. Many of them being American musicals.

In response to this news and the fact that her friend was here, Phe’s feathery, human fingers, twitched.

Inside Phe’s head, she was going ballistic with joy, her thoughts racing.

Suddenly, there was a loud sound of heavy footsteps that seemed to shake the ground, the sound stopping when the black-feathered,stocky, body halted in the entryway. In one hand was a paper bag with food from a deil.

“ Papa’s here!” Phe’s mother called.

Willow rushed out into the hallway to the parked beverage cart and begun preparing a drink. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
350 Reviews


Points: 14340
Reviews: 350

Donate
Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:04 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello queenfoscience! Inky here, ready to review!

First off, I'd like to tip my hat to you - you certainly aren't shy about what you write, and I love that!

And secondly, I appreciate the showing of Elise's german accent. Kudos to you.


Okay, so let's get down to it, shall we?

As jamgalloway said below, you do an awful lot of telling over showing and when that happens, you can often lose a reader's attention. All the descriptions is confusing and it's not interesting, so try to cut back on how much you tell.


Sunlight highlighted her scrubs, to a sunflower yellow.

Now, I'm not going to point all of these out but I'm using this as an example. You have a lot of spots in your chapter here where you use a lot of commas. Don't worry, I'm guilty of this too and so are others. Here is a particular spot where that comma in the middle between 'scrubs' and 'to' isn't necessary.


She depressed a button on the side of the wall that was near the door to summon a nurse.

depressed isn't the right word, all you need to say is pressed.


Phe’s mother drew her over to the side. Her voice was calm, yet firm despite the situation. Her accent flowed like cursive, although the Germanic accent was not supposed to be beautiful. The accent was smooth,calm, and pleasant to the ears. Despite what others may think, it didn’t sound angry, not at all.

Now, I like that you described her voice, but you put too much into it, and you did it before she even started speaking. 'Her voice was calm' is describing something past tense, but she hasn't even started speaking yet. If you're going to describe her voice, I would do it after she speaks.


Instead of speaking to the nurse curtly, or snapping at her to, ‘get out’ Elise used this moment to teach.

This comma is in a funny place so I'm just going to write it out to explain this. 'Instead of speaking to the nurse curtly, or snapping at her to 'get out', Elise used the moment to teach.' Now, there are alterations you could make to this sentence to make it more powerful, but I'll let you figure out how you would write that, but the comma needs to switch from before 'get out' to after.


Her first though was that the Avyal women who had the goal of manipulation in mind, just so for pity, just to get her way, her daughter's way. But this wasn’t the case. The mother’s words were so powerful, so full of emotion, that it had to have been genuine.

First of all, you missed that second 't' in 'thought', but it's a minor issue so no sweat. Moving on, there's too many commas and the sentences feel choppy here. This goes especially for the last few sentences, but the writing doesn't feel as powerful as it deserves.


“I know you hear ve, Miss Phe.

Why is she calling her daughter 'Miss'? It feels really formal, and Elise kinda loses that motherly feel.


” Goodness, gracious, Villow! Young vomen, you scared me! Oooohh, don’t do zat!”

The 'Young voman' part (which is mispelled, but it's not an issue) sounds unnecessary here. Elise sounds like she's repeating herself. It would be a lot smoother without that part ('Goodness gracious, Villow! You scared me!').

Overall, it's a pretty good story! The story is pretty easy to follow (especially if the telling is cut down), and the characters are pretty developed.
You have a lot of common mistakes that are easily fixed, such as grammar, spacing issues and the comma thing, but like I said. Easily fixed.
As a pretty big medical writer, this was pretty enjoyable to me (of course, I'm more of an injury type, but it's all wrapped in one big sandwich), so good job for that! :)

I hope you found this review helpful! I apologise if I ever came across as rude.
Have a lovely day! :)
-inky




User avatar
1727 Reviews


Points: 94060
Reviews: 1727

Donate
Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:57 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So the first thing I wanted to mention was the Germanic accent on Elise. It's fine, it doesn't make it hard to read or anything, but it's inconsistent. For example.

I vish zat you vould have more compassion venn caring for vy daughter.”


“Dey deserve kindness, and love, and dignity- to be treated like beings! Ve all deserve zat! To be loved. And to be treated kindly. Vy mama and papa though me zat, virtues are thought. Kindness and acceptance are thought. “


So sometimes you've got "z" instead of "th" and sometimes "d." And for reasons I don't remotely understand, you write "my" as "vy." But as someone both with German friends and who has taken German courses, I can tell you "th" is more likely to be "d" than "z" in sound ("z" sounds more French). "V" is an acceptable substitute for "w" (you were reasonably consistent about that), but "m" is just "m."

Although if you'd like, you could also substitute German words for similar English words sometimes. It's pretty easy, especially since German and English share so many cognates! But even if the words aren't similar, if Elise is Germanic in origin, then it would make sense that she might sometimes mix a little German into her speech, even when speaking English. Even something simple like the above, where she says "my mama and papa" - she could say "my mutter und vater," which also makes sense since presumably she would've called them by German terms instead of English, as she presumably grew up speaking German.

Side note that's really tiny but came off weird:

God was valued, too, by Phe and her husband, Gift, dispite being Jewish.


It was just the "despite being Jewish" that got me because, well, Judaism is what Christianity has its roots in, and we all believe in the same God. It's the role of Jesus that's the big divider.

Not that Jewish people can't NOT believe in God - it's possible to be Jewish ethnically and embrace your heritage/culture while rejecting the religious faith. But if Elise and Phe's father were Christian and Phe is now Jewish (for her husband?) then I'd guess that was a religious choice and a matter of faith. In which case they would value God just as much as Elise, no "despite" about it.

NOW. As to your question about the transition between those two bits of dialogue.

“ I haven't done Your-A-Star yet,neither has Brianna. I don’t know what my wish would be... Well-” and she flashed a smile,” either it’d want to see Ms.McAllister,or to something involving Bird and Raccoon. I don’t know.” Then Willow’s eyes darted around, her chest lifted away from her body, as she was tactically aware of her heart as it pumped blood without any errors through her circulatory system. In a sudden rush of excitement, her breathing was not automatic as she had to consciously remind herself to breath. Willow’s speech was winded as her breath whooshed out, as it faded and her words took a nosedive, halting.

“ Ms. McAllister is amazing. She works for You-A-Star, and I send letters to her often. I ask her for advise, and talk to her about my feeling, and vision loss, and everything else. She helps me cope…” A few breathers were gasped, as she felt dizzy for a moment before babbling, “Phe might like talking with a pen-pal. Ms. McAllister helps me a lot. You-A-Star has a program where you can have a pen-pal, and talk to them about anything under the sun. It’s fantastic! I want to see her one day!”

●Need help with a subway into this, a transition for Willow’s emotions. I want her to feel sympathy for Phe.●



Willow then said, “ I was hiding from the nurse. I couldn’t get caught.” Willow knew the rules, that, if broken, would turn into a legal matter. Technically, Willow’s shouldn’t have been in the nurses proximity, whether it dealt with medical information or a procedure.

Elise then cocked her head in sympathy. “ Oh, Villow, honey, you've been crying. Looks like you've both been crying.” She was referring to both Phe and Willow, as she was blotting both girl’s eyes. As she did she smiled softly, a genuine mother smile.


Honestly, it seems like the best thing to do would be to switch them around - have the "I was hiding" and stuff about disabilities/bodies first, when Willow first enters the room, and the discussion of "You're-a-Star" later. It would make more sense that way, because it sounds like Willow would've been hiding from the nurses before she entered. Therefore she overheard Elise's conversation with the nurse and the nurse's comment, and was crying about it.

Then from that part of the conversation, about bodies etc, you could even just transition by saying something like "Willow changed the subject abruptly" or have her start talking about the You're-a-Star and have Elise realize she doesn't want to talk about the other stuff anymore or something.

Image






Hi. Thank you. That was an great idea for my character, Elise. Thank you.

Ok, Phe DOES NOT have a husband.

Also, this part of chapter 1 is just a draft. I want people to commet on my characters/general ideas, please.





Hi. Thank you. That was an great idea for my character, Elise. Thank you.

Ok, Phe DOES NOT have a husband.

Also, this part of chapter 1 is just a draft. I want people to commet on my characters/general ideas, please.





Hi. Thank you. That was an great idea for my character, Elise. Thank you.

Ok, Phe DOES NOT have a husband.

Also, this part of chapter 1 is just a draft. I want people to commet on my characters/general ideas, please.



User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 99780
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:22 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a review on this fine review day.

You have an interesting style of writing, and the basic concept of the story of a sick girl wishing to meet her heroes is both really sweet and fairly interesting. I feel like there are a lot of good things you could say with that set-up.

Unfortunately, right now those good things are not coming through because you're are making the themes way too heavy-handed. The way your characters, particularly Phe's mother in her treatment of the nurse, (but also Willow's rant about how the media finds bodily functions amusing), really makes them come off as more self-righteous than anything, especially because of how much time you spend talking about how Elise didn't wrinkle her nose at the smell while the nurse did. (It's a natural reaction, come on.) Well, it's the mother that mostly comes off as self-righteous. And then it doesn't help that the narrative seems to back her up by describing how the nurse is forever kinder because of what Elise said, despite the fact that I really wouldn't expect anybody's mind to be changed like that based solely on what Elise said, particularly not because she was angry when she said it. Elise could take a leaf out of her own book and try catching flies with honey instead of vinegar.

I mean, couldn't the nurse just be having a bad day? Nurse's lives are really rough, actually. I'd be frustrated too if I had to keep cleaning up people's bodily waste. It's not so much that I think the nurse is treated Phe well (which she isn't really, but she's not being completely awful either) as it is that Elise is acting all high-and-mighty while treating the nurse just as badly.

Something that didn't feel right to me was when you mentioned Phe had a husband. In my mind, Phe felt like she was a lot younger in the narrative - I think adults whose heroes are fictional characters would be more likely to want to meet the author of the book rather than the characters, since they know they would just be meeting people in suits. So I thought she was a kid, maybe eight or nine.

In general, I would recommend that you cut out a lot of the superfluous waxing on about the virtues or lack thereof of various characters' actions. Let them stand for themselves, let the actions show the reader what to think about the characters. Also, you could be less wordy sometimes in your description - for example, nobody needs to have it explained to them that the crucifix Elise wears represents Christianity and Christian values. You'd be hard-pressed finding someone who didn't know that.

But in the end, I kind of like your writing style and the way you slide actually rather smoothly between POVs - too often it's really jarring, but not here. Good luck and keep writing!




User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 273
Reviews: 53

Donate
Mon Jun 12, 2017 2:23 pm
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Okay, really sorry about being slow as hell, I really did intend on doing this the other night when I said I would, but I get distracted so easily, plus some other stuff, so that didn't happen like I planned. But I'm here now!

I think I'm gonna make this review a bit shorter than the last if you don't mind and just point out the problems I saw with it. I think there was too much telling and not enough showing. Most of this chapter was just description, particularly in the beginning. I think you did a good job with the pacing and having equal levels of description, action, and dialogue when you went back to Willow's POV at the end though.

What I think will help this improve a lot is fixing the pacing like I just suggested, editing and proofreading it--as there's some grammar mistakes and quite a few things that could be better worded--and fixing the transition of changing the POV's. When it comes to that, I don't think you really need to change POV's at all, at least not at the point you're doing it. You could've kept going without Willow's POV and it would've been fine. But, if you're deadset on doing that, there needs to be some kind of ending to the scene first. It needs to be wrapped up in some way. Jumping from one POV to the next in the middle of a scene is a bad idea, as it loses it's momentum and is very abrupt, and in any book I've ever read that changes POV like this, they always wrap up the first person's POV before going to the next one's. Otherwise it just...doesn't work. If you don't think you can find a way to do that with this chapter the way it is now, then I think you should rewrite it so you can.

Another thing that I think you should take out is the exclamation points, particularly in the areas where it says, "Elise could have..." and "To fight her illness!"Those parts should be one paragraph, for one, and the exclamation points honestly take away any semblance of seriousness that was in the scene. For me anyway. The only time I personally use exclamation is in dialogue or thoughts. It just doesn't work.

I have to go so I'm gonna have to wrap this up, sorry for it being so short, but the last thing I want to point out is the ending. Is there another part to this chapter? If so, alright. If not, and this is the end of the first chapter, it's not a very good ending. Just abrupt, no impact, and nothing in the scene is really wrapped up. So I'm assuming there's a third part to the chapter because this doesn't work otherwise.

But basically, other than the things I've pointed out, this was good. I just think it needs to be edited/revised, less description in the beginning, and quite a few things could be reworded/written better. Right now to be honest, this has a hard time holding my attention and I am pretty uninterested in what's going on. I think when you improve on the things I mentioned that'll change though. Apologies if anything I said sounded harsh or hurt your feelings cause that's not my intention, I'm just stating my opinion on it. Hopefully I've helped somehow, idk, and this has plenty of potential, but also a lot of room for improvement. It's a good place to start though. So good work so far, good luck on continuing it, and f you want me to clarify something, help with something, whatever, I'd be happy to just let me know.

Keep on writing! :)






Hi, guys. Thank you for the reveiws. I should of said that I want commets on my character so far. I'm not too concerned with the grammer etc,just content. Yes, I am editing this chapter, and taking what is said into consideration.

O.O. Did I say that Phe had a husband? Oh,no, that is wrong. If it's 'accadentaly' in the text, please let me know.

PS. What is self-righious? With Elise's/Willow's interation, I am talking about thease things in that secton because the two won't get to interact with eachother in the rest of my story.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.



jamgalloway says...


Hey! Sorry for the delay, but yeah, you did say that Phe has a husband in this line, "God was valued, too, by Phe and her husband, Gift, dispite being Jewish."

And I'll remember that if/when I do reviews on this story in the future, I'll focus more on the plot/characters instead of grammar and everything else.





Hi. Oops, that was a typo. I will fix it. Thank you.




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield