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E - Everyone Mature Content

Chapter 1 part 1

by queenofscience


(A/N I want to show you some of my re-writen chapter 1. It's been forever since I gave any updates. Bear in mind that this is just a part, and not the whole thing. Please tell me what you think?)

Chapter 1



Screaming came from inside the MRI like machine that was inside the World Health Organization building. The high-pitched, shrill scream slowly grew louder in volume, the decibels increasing every few seconds. Everyone knew that only Avyal vocal cords could emit such a powerful scream.

The voice grew in sync with her body as it became magnified.

Seconds ago, the activity that took place in the bright,white, observation room was ordinary calm, the doctors performing a medical procedure. Now, the activity was discombobulated, helter-skelter. The single technician in the room, along with one of the male doctors, a brown Squ’gee, as his squirrel-like tail flew behind him as they both furiously attempted to shut the machine down.

Heavy, machine parts, crashed to the ground like boulders being flung from an volcanic eruption. Realizing that the feathery body was expanding towards them, the four people had no choice but to flee for their lives,--or face an unavoidable death by crushing.

Only the two human doctors, Dr. Tagleaboo, and, Dr. Wu, took the opportunity to escape. Dr. Tagleaboo fumbled with her keycard as her whole body trembled like she was jittery from drinking too much espresso.

Both people sprinted down the hallway, as if they were competing in a marathon run. It was a run that determined the fate of their lives. As Dr. Taggelaboo fled, her heart appeared to drop as her chest tightened. She had begun bonding with the humanoid, bird--girl, feeling guilty that nothing could be done to help her. The girl who was in the chamber was a sweet thing.

The Squ’gee doctor and the technician that lingered were impaled by glass as the soundwaves from the girl’s cries shattered it, flinging the two men a few yards. A stinging slap and a few seconds of pain was the last thing they felt.

Dr. Tagleaboo was the first one to reach the door that had the copper name-tag of Dr. Amelia Mann. She was followed by Dr. Wu. She knocked on the wooden door twice- her knock more of a bang than a knock- as the door was thrown open.

The women’s light brown frizzy hair flowed behind her as she rushed into the room, her eyes wide and wet in terror. Her hands trembled as if she had Parkinson's. At first, all that came from her trembling lips was gibberish. Then her words managed to make sense. “W--w-we were begging the surgery to remove the intestinal polyps. An-And

she just kept getting bigger and bigger! Dr. Tagleaboo exclaimed!

Dr. Conti,whose long, black, kinky hair was facing them as she was typing up medical notes on her Avyal patient. Without even facing them, Conti gave them instructions on what she wanted done, her voice authoritative.“ Tranquilize her. But don’t hurt her. “

With that, both doctors flew from the room.

And this Avyal girl, who was moments ago 5’4, was gone. Just. Like.That.



☆☆☆

A Few Days Before



Both teenager’s were ready for their shift, and they had no idea as to what their day would bring.

What slew of oddities would today bring? .

Bright, morning, yellowish-white, summer sunlight shone through the automatic sliding glass doors that created a silhouette of the two teenagers who entered the hospital.

They stopped, faced each other, and would say their words of parting, a religious habit. Willow was about to face left, her sister,Brianna, faced right. They were about to begin their shift.

“Bye,” said Willow, her voice naturally soft. She grabbed her hair with two fingers and thumb as she tied her long, curly, dark brown hair into a low, sloppy ponytail.

Brianna gave a quick, single- second smile, adjusted the oxygen cannula on her face, then sincerely said,” You look really nice in your volunteer uniform. You should wear it wear it more.”

“ I’d look too girly,” replied Willow.

Neither she nor her sister were into dressing like your stereotypical young lady. Brianna was more into fashion than Willow was because she wanted to draw frightened or carious eyes away from her cannula.

In secret, Willow admited that the candy striper uniform that she and her sister was wearing was cute- a pinafore apron with vertical red and white lines. The design was similar to that of a stereotypical tablecloth that you’d associate with a picnic. Underneath the apron was a white dress, followed by white shoes-the kind that nurses would wear.

Willow didn’t have enough time to react positively to the comment. This was rarely seen considering the remarks her younger sister would typically give her about her choice in fashion.

Brianna then playfully said, “Later, loser!”  Before turning around and walking off.

Willow walked past the front desk and headed towards the hallway where the elevators were. As she did, warm, loud, playful, colors popped out from the walls and glistening floor. It gave the hospital a kid-friendly demeanor.

Sure, the geometric design on the floor was beautiful, but whoever was in charge of the internal design didn’t factor in how the design would affect people who had an visual, or even a neurological disability.

Her gait, as well as other mannerism, were an obvious clue that Willow’s eyes were sick.

I wish the floors weren't so visually challenging for my eyes, Willow always thought at some point while walking. Her feet always stopped short, seeming to paw at the ground with her feet, as if she were a hoofed animal digging in the mud. On her face were roundish, thin-lensed glasses despite her visual impairment.

Her glasses didn’t help much. They just made her vision clearer, but not necessary better. However, her nearsightedness was not Willow’s main eye condition.

Willow’s eyes had been sick from the get-go. She and her mother, both. They both had Retinitis Pigmentosa, a progressive, genetic eye disease.

Willow was in the beginning stages of the disease. Her vision had begun to tunnel. Many people with this condition experienced visual field constriction, being the main symptom. In addition, patients would experience difficulty seeing in dim light, night blindness, or would lose color vision. This would lead to the final stage of the disease: blindness. However, the symptoms and degree of severity, was different from person to person.

At least, Willow thought, my vision loss isn’t as bad a Mother’s.

The Children's hospital was one out of several hospitals in downtown Houston- the city contained the largest medical complex in the country: various hospitals, universities, as well as a medical library. The large cluster of medical establishments attracted doctors who were adamant, dedicated, and committed, to caring for their clients medical needs.

As Willow was waiting for the elevator, she glanced up at the opposite wall. On the wall were shiny, copper, plaques with names of people who donated money. No one donated more than Neil Armstrong, who the hospital was named after.  The size of the picture and plaque was obvious that he was the main financial contributor.  In the picture, his smile was genuine, as he seemed pleased with his generous donation. After his success with the moon landing, accolades, money, and fame flood in. The large sum of money was much more that what the man needed, so, he donated it to the Children’s hospital.

The money funded the hospital's medical research. This all occurred in the hospital's sister building that was connected to the hospital by a skywalk. In addition to medical research, the abundant funds allowed for the purchase of the PERFORM device- the medical technology was the hospital's most expensive piece of medical equipment. The device’s full name was the Programmable Electromagnetic Field for Re-scaling Organic Matrices.

Now, having arrived on the fourth floor, Willow trotted on grey carpet that was the same shade as the hide of a Rhinoceros.  The light from the  fluorescent lights tinted the fabric to a stormcloud grey.

A few doors down the hallway was the reddish-brown door with the coordinator's name tag attached to the door.  She gingerly walked past the door that was part way open, and up to the desk that was almost overtaken by a large, box-like Techlife computer. Rust colored, cat- ears poked out from the top of the computer like a plant sprig.  

The only sound in the room was of the Squ’gee’s fur-covered, human fingers as they tapped away at keys.

Willow stood there quietly and patiently waiting for him to notice her. He was writing reports on other volunteers, no doubt. Willow was among one of the many hospital volunteers-candy stripers- that he was responsible for, especially during summer. This was Willow’s and Brianna’s second summer volunteering. The volunteer coordinator took a chance on them, because he was used to being around people who have medical problems. To him, hiring the two teenage girls who were not the healthiest didn’t bother him at all.

He then took a moment to peer over the screen, his cat-nose twitched, the mouth on his pointy squirrel face gasped, the ilds on his cat- eyes batted upon being spooked. His face was centimeters away from the human girls’.

“Oh!” he cried. Then, “You scared me!” he exclaimed, stating the obvious.

“S-s- sorry,” Willow almost inaudibly mumbled, as she peered down at the floor, then back up, her dark brown eyes that were the shade equal to that of a rich brown mouse coat- just like the mice that Willow used to care for. The Squ-gee’s large, black, seed-shaped eyes stared into Willow’s brown ones, as their eyes meet for a second.

Willow’s upper half then reeled away from a hunched position to a straight one. The Squ’gee was a bit shorter than the human girl-most Squ’gee’s were on the short side.

Now standing straight, as if she was getting her height measured at a doctor's office, her soft voice took on chipper edge as she asked, ” Is there anything different that you want me to do today, sir?” Her pupils widened to twice their size.

“Yes. Yes there is. I want you to offer patients and their families beverages.”

This notion was something that Willow had silently hoped for ever sense she was instructed this task a few times last summer when she and her sister begun to volunteer.

This job was going be fun! This job was always fun! Always!

As the Squ’gee gave her instructions about her task, Willow’s eyes glossed over as they darted around every which way. Her expressionless lips seemed to stretch to a length that was only seen in a caricature, her smile teetering on the perimeter of her face. Her hairs prickled for a second, like a hedgehog's quills.

And this job never bored Willow. Never. If it was up to her, she’d offer beverages all day- hot drinks like coffee,tea and hot chocolate. Cold beverages like milk, water, and cartons of apple or cranberry juice. All of these were in metal pictures on a metal cart. On the bottom was shelf was sugar, honey, and flavored creamer.

To Willow,, offering hot beverages was more exciting than wiping down the hospital's playroom equipment and toys that human,Squ’gee, and Avyal children would play with.

The teenager’s expression was an obvious sign that she was gracus for the opportunity to work. And she was gracius for an unusual reason.

Willow and her sister were not like a majority of the youth population. Both sisters were disabled. The fact that Willow was visually handicapped and that her sister was on oxygen and could only be active for a short while before she required the aid of wheelchair, made it nearly impossible to find employment.  In the interview both girls were peppy, flamboyant, kind, and genuine, as they promised a great work ethic. Despite these positive attributes detracting from their disability, their disability was the baking soda on fire--smothering any chance of getting hired  Although laws were passed to create an accessible world, stigmatizing attitudes were still rampant through the non-disabled.

As always, she was determined not to let the coordinator down. According to her employer-the Squ’gee coordinator-she was  phenomenal at the task that were given. Questions were asked if she was confused about any instructions, she was always sympathetic, kind, and helpful- traits that made the best employees in a hospital setting, according to the coordinator.  In retrospect, he didn’t regret hiring her, nor her sister.

As she wheeled the cart, Willow’s eyes expanded as she jerked her head left and right as she rolled the cart. This was problematic, as she either rammed into or clipped walls and doors. Or she’d have to stop short to avoid hitting people.  Whenever these things would happen, she’d always apologise profusely, or give a quick soft mumble of, “Oh!”

Her tunnel vision and nearsightedness added an unnecessary difficulty to volunteering, despite this she never complained.  She’d always tell herself that she’d bring it up to her employer, but she never did. Tomorrow, she’d said. Tomorrow I’ll ask for someone assist me with guiding the cart...

And she visited patients and their families. People who were human. People who were Avyal. People who were Squ’gee’s--or, as a result from adoption- a blend. All of these patients who had bazar conditions.

She’d met a teenage girl was injured playing sports, whose wounds didn’t heal properly after care. Soon, a infection radiated from the sites, and twisted through her circulatory system, literally poisoning her blood. The girl’s blood was toxic to anything biological, turning staff member’s fingers black, killing the tissue. Her body was turning septic! Soon, her organs would fail without the blood being cleansed and filtered out by dialysis. When Willow saw her last summer, the girl’s pink-tinted skin was lying about her health.

A few days passed and the girl’s blood was declared clean.

Willow had walked into room where anxious parents held babies or toddlers who had multiple hearts, that may have been punctured with holes. This enabled some of them to survive short periods without oxygen.

Patients with gastric disorders whose illnesses who’s salivary glands secreted mildly corrosive acid that would nibble at an object if licked, or bodily gasses that would do strange things, and poisonous vomit.

For some patients, the white oxygen measuring device would occasionally read numbers greater than 100% enabling them to hover two inches off the bed. On occasion their bodies could not effectively expire carbon dioxide while exhaling. The more cardon that they accumulated, the heavier they became, sometimes unable to move without assistance.

And their was so much more. So many odd conditions. So many individuals with ‘special needs.’  This was referring to the odd or ‘special’ bodily abilities that were attached to medical conditions. They were the bodies way of adapting for an absent function.

Willow and her sister fell under this label- both girls-including their mother, were special needs.

And Willow’s job was visiting children like herself, children who were medical unique.

During her visits, she’d bring the cart around and offer drinks. Many

families who were gracious to take some steaming espresso or a latte. Families and patients who thanked Willow profusely for the service. Many said that she was a kind-hearted, sweet girl--and that they hoped to see her in the future.

Working in a hospital was also depressing, too.

Sometime, when Willow would visit, she’d come across distressed families. Parents who wept because their child was very ill or was on their way out of this world. Sometimes their parents would reluctantly take a beverage from the cart, other times they’d spit angry words out of grief. Whatever she witnessed would be branded in her head and would later sneak into her mind, causing her to sob.

The good always outweighed the bad. In general, hospitals were not a pleasant place to be-no one wanted to be sick- nobody wanted to be there. But it was a matter of who made it pleasant. Hospitals were also full of life-new life- and happiness and laughter. Doctors, nurses, and others making patients feel at ease and less frightened. It was full of healing and hope and kindness and compassion.

Now, she was back in the hall, ramming the cart into walls as the carts direction waned as she walked. Hours few by quickly, and now she was on her last stop before lunch. Her cheeks muscles softly burned from having held a smile for longer than a few seconds-she was going to see Phe! And she could stay as long as she liked-she didn’t have to rush!

Through Willow’s job she had interacted with many patients. Out of all of the patients, she connected with Phe the most. The two were great friends having had a very similar demeanor, personality, and interest.

Suddenly, Willow’s head jerked to the left. There was a soft rattle, followed by the sound of breath being sucked in through teeth in response to pain.

“S-s-sorry. I’m very sorry. “

The Avyal woman's hand was now nursing her leg, as she gently rubbed some of the pain away.

The lanky Avyal women stood up to her full height, seeming to grow like a sprouting plant. The woman's thin, aquamarine blue-feathered face expressed kindness, her black lips stretched into a gentle smile. There was something about her face that caused Willow to relax, the weigh in the meek teenager’s chest begun to dissolve. Her soft voice was spiked with concern as her voice rushed out of her,” Hello, Ms. McFerson! Do you need me to go get a nurse? Are you okay? Are you bleeding?”

The women’s large, blunt, triangle-eseq eyes had a perpetual, kind, and joyful look to them--a common feature among the Avyal species.  The pastel blue iris almost overtook the eyes, as white was dotted in the three corners. “ I’m all right, Villow,”  said the woman kindly, in her Austrian accent. “ I’ll just have a bruise, but zats eet. I’ll be fine.”

Willow knew that she and her husband were here to visit their daughter, Phe. Willow met them last summer when she started volunteering.

Before leaving, the women asked,” Do you need any help?”

It was out of Willow’s mouth before she could stop herself, an automatic reply to most questions that revolved around receiving assistance.” No, thank you.”

She  resumed pushing the cart towards Phe’s room as the girl’s mother trotted down the hallway.

As she did, Willow huffed a sigh that ended in a soft growl like a whining dog. Her usually positive and optimistic thoughts took a negative turn as they became critical. She should of took Ms. McFerson’s offer to assist her. But, no! She didn’t! She didn’t want to ask for help because she didn’t want others to look or treat her like she was handicapped.

Willow just wanted to appear ‘normal’ in the eyes of society. Willow didn’t have any option for if she wanted to appear healthy or not, not with the discrimination against people like her.

The wheels squealed as she veered of course, ramming into a corner before turning into the hallway where Phe’s room was located as she parked the cart outside.


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26 Reviews


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Reviews: 26

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Sun Jun 11, 2017 2:26 pm
regismare wrote a review...



Hey queenofscience! regis here to review this first chapter.

Let's start with the smaller nitpicks:

Screaming came from inside the MRI like machine that was inside the World Health Organization building.

This is kind of a weak beginning to the chapter. It doesn't particularly draw the reader in (thought it definitely has the potential to, with a little bit of work). The word came is especially weak, because how how vague it is. How as the sound coming? Was it ripping through the air, or clawing at it, or echoing or spearing? Try to describe the sound a bit more in your writing. Was inside could also be made stronger by just changing it to something else that has more thought and description put into it.

bright,white

Space needed!

Heavy, machine parts, crashed to the ground like boulders

Watch the sentence construction here. You don't need to put machine parts in the commas.

It was a run that determined the fate of their lives.

This could be really intense, but I find it a little heavy-handed and a little confusing, since the reader doesn't have enough of an idea of what's going wrong and what's at stake in your story. We know that someone is in the machine, and it's possibly going wrong (?), but it's a little vague.

Her hands trembled as if she had Parkinson's

Maybe... not the best simile?

kinky hair

I'd generally avoid using the word kinky, because of its other connotations.

teenager’s

Teenagers

tied her long, curly, dark brown hair into a low, sloppy ponytail.

You use a lot of this adjective-adjective-adjective-noun description, as well as the as if... type. Try to vary it a little more, to make your narrative more interesting and varied.

Willow was in the beginning stages ... from person to person.

This was a little long for my liking - this is a story, not a medical journal! I think it's important to know the implications for the characters, but you could a) make this paragraph shorter, or b) sprinkle information about it throughout the chapter and the wider story.

Squ’gee

More description and explanation about this, other than squirrel-looking technician with a cat's nose would be nice. Where did they come from? Why use these rather than normal humans? What do they look like, in more detail? How do they move?

The wheels squealed as she veered of course, ramming into a corner before turning into the hallway where Phe’s room was located as she parked the cart outside.

There isn't much here that would hook a reader and compel them to carry on reading. Try leaving some intrigue, some suspense, or some kind of promise of further action to make the ending really strong.

On more general notes, your formatting and grammar do need a little bit of work. Whether it's typos or slip-ups, they can be really easily fixed! There are a ton of grammar help tools both online and built into word processing applications - it'd be worth finding one that you like and using it to help you clear up the small errors in your writing. Your formatting is also a little distracting - there are a breaks in the middle of sentences that make me double back and re-read, which detracts from the overall enjoyment of reading this.

I find that you talk a lot about the hospital and its patients in this chapter. This is important, and you go into a lot of depth with everything, but I still know relatively little about Willow and her sister, who are supposedly the protagonists of this story. It also hasn't been established quite how they fit into the MRI incident at the beginning. You don't need to give it away completely, but a little more hinting or information would be nice.

I really love this idea. It's really unique and I love the different 'types' of characters here, with the bird-people and the Squ’gee. I also love you've included disabled protagonists, which is pretty rare in mainstream fiction and it's an issue that definitely needs to be fixed. Your setting is fairly unusual too, and while you're reading, you really get the idea that you're passionate about this story.

Thanks for the read! I hope my review was useful,

-regis




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Sun Jun 04, 2017 7:53 pm
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Alrighty, here's my review now that I've read it:

Setting: I think you had a very clear setting and did a good job with this. I could clearly see the hospital and what was going on in both the flashback and the present time. I don't really have any suggestions for improvement for this one. Actually, I take that back, I think using a little less description would be good. There was a LOT of description throughout this chapter and I kept getting distracted because of it(but I'm also a bit easy to distract anyway). I think leaving a little more to the imagination would be good in certain parts.

Characters: Your characters have a lot of potential right now. I don't want to say too much since this is just the first chapter and they'll be more fleshed out later, but right now Willow seems a bit dull. She does have interesting traits such as her Retinitis Pigmentosa, but at the same time I feel as if I've read of many characters like her before. But, like I said, I don't want to say anything bad really because I'm sure you'll go deeper into the characters later. Considering the uniqueness of everyone so far, they all have a lot of potential to be great though.

Plot: I liked the plot at the beginning, before we went into the flashback. Very interesting. But once we went into the flashback with Willow and Brianna, I felt like things were a bit slow. I understand that this is the beginning of the story so things are getting set up/characters are getting developed so it's gonna be a bit slow, but I felt like it was TOO slow. I mean, from the flashback onward the only thing that has happened is Willow and Brianna separated, Willow went to the hospital and talked to the squirrel guy for a few seconds, and is now walking toward someone's room with the patient's mother. There should be more action and less description, basically. I don't have really anything else to say about the plot though because I have no clue where the stories going from here since it's so early on.

Pacing: Well, I addressed this already, but it's too slow. A little too much description, not enough action and dialogue.

Description: Besides the over use of description, I thought you did good with this. I knew what was happening, what things and people looked like, and it flowed together pretty well--especially if you remove some of the excess. I think just taking some out and/or adding it to other chapters instead so it's more spread out, will improve this chapter greatly.

Grammar: There were quite a few mistakes, but they were all minor and things you can catch when you read through it/edit it. I'll point out any bigger problems below.

POV: You had a strong third person POV, and the only thing I have to say about it is when one of your characters are thinking, italicizing it would be your best bet. I was jolted a couple times because it suddenly went to "I..." form and I wouldn't know that it was your character's thoughts until it said "Willow thought." Not saying you need to get rid of that, but just italicize it so it's clear as to what it is.

Clarity/ Believability: It was clear, most of the time(I'll point out a thing or two below that confuzzled me a bit), as to what was going on, so I have no suggestions of improvement on that. And I think you did a good job of mixing real-world stuff in with the fantasy stuff(the squirrel people, the beginning with the Ayval girl, etc.) I don't really know much about all this hospital stuff and the conditions the characters have, but that, at least, seems relatively realistic to me(but of course I don't know jack about it so idk). I mean, I can't say this is all believable since there's fantasy elements, of course, but I guess the stuff that should be believable, is.

Dialogue: I thought it all seemed pretty realistic. Except the "Later, loser!" line because I can't actually see someone saying that in real life, lol. Other than that though, I could imagine people actually speaking like in the story. I think there should be maybe a bit more dialogue though, specifically in the beginning before the flashback, and then a little bit more during the flashback. Other than that, it's good.

Engagement: I can't say I was wrapped up in this story because I wasn't, as I have a hard time reading other people's work because I have zero attention span, but there were some parts that interested me. Like learning about some of the character's illnesses and the beginning scene. But, like mentioned, I think removing some of the description and having better pacing will improve that.

Other than these things, I think rewording some of your lines will help this also. I'll show you what I mean on a few parts, but as if right now, I think your story needs a bit more editing and rewriting of certain things. Here's some examples on stuff I've mentioned before:

"Seconds ago, the activity that took place in the bright,white, observation room was ordinary calm, the doctors performing a medical procedure. Now, the activity was discombobulated, helter-skelter."

This part has me confuzzled so I think you should try rewording it. I'm guessing you meant something like this, but I don't know for sure and I suggest changing it: "Seconds ago, the activity taking place in the bright, white observation room was relatively calm, as it normally was. The doctors were just performing a medical procedure. But now, the activity was discombobulated."

Now, this:

"'W--w-we were begging the surgery to remove the intestinal polyps. An-And she just kept getting bigger and bigger! Dr. Tagleaboo exclaimed!"

I'm confused by the first sentence and what the Dr. is even trying to say, to be honest. Also, when putting speaker tags, they should be after the first sentence, not when they're completely done speaking. Also, I don't think you need an exclamation point after "exclaimed." A period is fine as there's already an exclamation point in the dialogue.

Another confusing line:

"And this Avyal girl, who was moments ago 5’4, was gone. Just. Like.That."

Are you saying that this girl shrank or disappeared or something? Because I honestly have no clue what exactly this means because it can be interpreted in more than one way given the previous couple paragraphs. I'd make that more clear.

"A Few Days Before"

There's really nothing wrong with that, I'm just nitpicking, but saying , "Three Days Earlier" or "Four Days Earlier" sounds better to me. It's up to you, of course, I just liked the sound of it better personally.

"I wish the floors weren't so visually challenging for my eyes, Willow always thought at some point while walking."

Like I said earlier, I think that Willow's--and any other character's--thoughts should be italicized, but what I wanted to point out here was that this doesn't sound like something a person would think in their head, let alone a teenager. I'd take out "visually challenging" and put something like difficult in there instead, because people don't think like that.

"At least, Willow thought, my vision loss isn’t as bad a Mother’s."

There's nothing really wrong with this, besides the lack of italicization, but this sounds much smoother if you write it like this instead:

"At least my eyesight isn't as bad as Mother's, Willow thought."

And these lines felt like it kind of came out of left field, and you could easily remove or change it without affecting your story much: "This job was going be fun! This job was always fun! Always!"

One last thing I'll point out before I wrap this up:

"'Oh!' he cried. Then, 'You scared me!' he exclaimed, stating the obvious."

You were guilty of doing this several times, but you really don't need either of these speaker tags here. It's clear who the speaker is without them and they don't add anything to the story. You could just write "Oh! You scared me!" and I would still know what's going on. There was a few times when you used speaker tags unnecessarily like this, so I suggest running through and making sure that the only time you use them is when you need them so the audience isn't confused.

I could go on and point out more things, but I think you get the point. There are a lot of things that could be worded better, quite a few grammar mistakes, and some things that are a bit confusing. Overall, what you have here is good, but could be much better by doing a few of the things I suggested, I think. It has a lot of potential though. And everything I've said here is my opinion, of course, so if you don't agree with it, then don't worry about it. Take the advice you like and ignore the parts you didn't. I hope I've helped in some way, and if you have any questions, just want to talk, want me to go deeper on something, or need my help with something just let me know

Good job so far and good luck on the future! :)






Hi. Thank you for your reveiw. I will keep thease things in mind. And with Willow, I state in my story how visual feild constriction is a symptom of her eye conditon. The reason why she seems dull/clumsy is because of her lack of visual feild. It's just a part of her condition. In general, thank you for being honest about my work. I will consider the description part. I can understand how one would get bogged down,though. Thank you for the review.



jamgalloway says...


Oh, I know what you said about Willow's vision, that's not really what I was referring to, but I trust that you know what you're doing. Hope my review was useful like you hoped, and you're welcome! If you ever want me to do it again or want my help with something else, just let me know. And, I don't know whether or not you're keeping up with my story(it's cool if you're not), but my fifth chapter is up now if you choose to read it. :)





Hi. May you reveiw my secont part of chapter 1,please. Yes, I will need to read more of your work.



jamgalloway says...


Sure, I can do that. I'll get to it either tonight or tomorrow. And thanks.





No probleam




It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer