Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Where is Percy?

by cdog121201


(credits to Rick Riordan)

I'm getting very anxious as to where Percy is. He has been gone for 2 weeks now. Chiron insists on having the sacred "funeral", but i can't bare myself to do it. It would mean burning the sacred trident-oh it was so special to him-.

I went to visit his cabin today to gather the trident. and the room smelled just like him. Water. Despite my sadness, i couldn't help but feel relaxed. It was from the fountain Tyson had cleaned. I couldn't manage to find the trident right away, and as i was looking around, i saw a picture of Percy and me. It was from last summer.

Now that i think about it, this is all my fault. I was in charge of this quest. I let Percy come along. I didn't try to protect him. This is really all my fault. And now, there's nothing i can do about it.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 2348
Reviews: 94

Donate
Thu Mar 12, 2015 1:45 am
Satira wrote a review...



HI!!!! You were in the WWFF thread! So I gotta review your thing! I just revisited percy jackson, so my memory is still fresh with his sarcastic comments.

but I don't know which character is speaking. Annabeth?! I just can't get any information about the character from the way you're writing.
I don't think a trident would mean anything to percy. He's not a material guy. Not extremely sentimental.
water doesn't smell like anything. saltwater, maybe?
Let us FEEL his/her emotions instead of telling us. SHOW. Not tell.
so, yep. EXPAND, please!
(this is basically it. I don't like to go over grammar/spelling issues, although there were a fair few in this piece.)
good luck!
~Satira




cdog121201 says...


i thought it was clearly Annabeth. It's based off of Series #1 book #4 Battle Of The Labryinth, when Percy is on Calypso's island, and noone knows where he is......



Satira says...


aha!! sorry, it's just that percy goes missing a lot and he has a pretty wide circle of friends that are worried about him.
:/



cdog121201 says...


true... @Satira



User avatar
378 Reviews


Points: 61859
Reviews: 378

Donate
Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:40 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hiya :)

So, I just wanted to point out - I am a majorly major fan of Percy Jackson. I love the start of this so far (is it a start, or just a small piece?). However, if you are going to continue, might I suggest to make each section a little longer. If it is not going to be continued, then that's different. :P

Anyways.
I honestly do not see much of a point in this. Sure, the emotion of Annabeth (I'm guessing it was her - maybe explain a little more to say who it was exactly?) was pretty good, and I can see your writing is good, but can be brought out a little more. Back to the not-much-of-a-point thing. I'm guessing you're either going to continue writing this, or it was just some piece you decided to write. Which is great, and you could say it's just for practice, which is (I guess) the point in writing it. However, I am not you so I don't know!

I also wanted to bring out the emotion fact - I could be stretched gone deeper. You could'be been a little more specific as to what she felt like when she saw the picture of Percy. She thought of the whole quest thing, yeah, but emotion? Not much. Still, your writing brings out feelings, so that's fantastic. :)

It's good so far, and with a little edit, you could make this piece nitpick free.

Hopefully I can here back to see what you are doing!

~ EternalRain ^.^




EternalRain says...


Oh, shoot. I just read steampowered's review and it's pretty much like mine. Fudge.
Anyways, hope it helped nonetheless. :3



cdog121201 says...


Thanks!! I'm honestly not sure as to whether or not i am going to continue or not.. i was thinking about making a diary entry for each character. In this case, i would make one for Annabeth, Percy,Grover,Tyson, and Calypso



User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Sat Mar 07, 2015 9:54 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I'm not very familiar with the world of Percy Jackson, but I'll give this a go.

First of all, this was a promising start to a fanfiction, although I'm not sure whether this is an entire work - just a short piece from Annabeth's viewpoint - or if there is more to come and this is an extract from something bigger you've been working on. Also, I'm interested as to the purpose of this story. Are you simply exploring the way Annabeth reacted to Percy's disappearance and perhaps just some of her thoughts and feelings, or are you intending to add more to it and maybe invent some kind of adventure Annabeth had when Percy was away? Either way, could make an interesting story!

As I said, there's definitely potential here. Perhaps fleshing this diary entry out a little would make it a bit more interesting to the reader - I would assume that Annabeth is pouring her heart out into this diary, so maybe there could be some more emotions? What is she feeling right now? Guilt, anger, fear, sorrow? Maybe you could show this through the way she interacts with other characters - for example, does she react badly to Chiron wanting the funeral? Does she want to go looking for Percy, has she had arguments with people who are perhaps trying to stop her going after him? Just little things you might like to consider. :)

I'm going to do a couple of brief nitpicks:

can't bare myself to do it


I think this would be worded better as "can't bring myself to do it" or "can't bear to do it" rather than "can't bare myself to do it". Also, "bare" should be "bear" (oh how the English language loves to play tricks on us...)

It would mean burning the sacred trident-oh it was so special to him-.


Minor point, but you don't need a hypen (-) before a period. Just a period after "him" will do fine.

"i" should always be capitalised to be "I".

Since it's possible that this fanfiction will be read by people who aren't familiar with the entire book series, why not add in a brief explanation as to where Percy has gone and the circumstances behind his disappearance? You don't have to put in too much detail, but perhaps a couple of lines would give the reader some idea of the background to this story.

Overall, I certainly didn't think this was bad (I think the main thing you might want to work on is showing some of Annabeth's emotions, rather than saying "I'm getting very anxious" and "Despite my sadness" and how Percy's disappearance has really impacted on her) and I would be interested in reading some more of your writing. Hopefully my review wasn't too discouraging, and that it helped you. Keep writing! :D




cdog121201 says...


it wasnt discouraging at all!! the idea about the background was a good idea.. i didnt think of putting it in because Annabeth had no idea where he was.
But i guess i could've put in italics at the top! (sorry i was thinking to myself there)
THANKS!!



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 227
Reviews: 8

Donate
Sat Mar 07, 2015 7:46 pm
cdog121201 says...



@pretzelsing it is AnnaBETH




pretzelsing says...


As I said, I never read any Percy Jackson series stories, so I wasn't really sure. I will edit that into my review to make it more proper :) BTW you can't tag people in comments under works, if you didn't notice :|



User avatar
346 Reviews


Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

Donate
Sat Mar 07, 2015 7:36 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya cdog, so you requested a review from me and here I am reviewing this.

Here is a jewel of advice, since you are a new member here, use your little number of points wisely please because you don't have a lot of them. I would recommend posting longer works and it all costs the same number of points. But that is just a suggestions <,<

Now I have never read Percy Jackson but I will try to review and nitpick and shred apart ;) what you have written here, without knowing the context. Let's begin shall we?

He has been gone for 2 weeks now.


Write out the word two.

Please remember to capitalize all of the I in your work because that is grammatically correct.

It was from the fountain Tyson had cleaned


I don't understand this sentence at all. What were you trying to say? Maybe rephrase it and write: "The fountain of Tyson had cleaned it."

I couldn't manage to find the trident right away, and as i was looking around, i saw a picture of Percy and me.


Alright here is how I would divide these sentences up:

I couldn't mange to find the tr indent right away. As I was looking around, I saw a picture of Percy and me.

That makes the sentence flow much better.

And now, there's nothing i can do about it.


Alright, really? I am sure Annabeth can do something about it. Send out a search party, look in his favorite hiding place, pray,etc. Whatever, she always has the chance to do something, even if she doesn't feel like it.

Alright now on to general stuff, this short story shows no emotion at all, except you telling me that Annabeth was sad, which doesn't really mean anything to me. I would really encourage you to "tell in a showing manner.Here is an example of what I mean:
I'm getting very anxious as to where Percy is.


I would totally expand that and write something like:
My brain was anxiously imagining the worst about the whereabouts of Percy. Thinking about him constantly, fear entangled my spirit and I was shaking with anticipation."

Here is another example:

Despite my sadness, i couldn't help but feel relaxed.


"Silent tears of regret dropped down onto my cheeks, and a gaping hole in my heart was left behind. The melody of sadness filled my mind. My muscles relaxed when I could feel the presence of Percy's water in this room, and my mind was calmed."

Now I am not saying that any of those were perfect descriptions but I am just trying to show you by examples what I mean.To conclude, I would just like to mention that you should label this in the category of fanfiction, not fantasy just to make it clear for anyone who is even considering to read this.I can't say my opinion on this since it was so short, but overall I really would not have read or reviewed this if you haven't asked me. It's just too short and not exciting or interesting at all. I hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing and improving!

Image




cdog121201 says...


yeah, this didn't help me.. i had numerous other people read it and they all got emotion.. and i had reasons for eerything that i did.. so yeah...



pretzelsing says...


Why are you using all of these ellipsis in this reply? Just one period is enough. I hate incorrectly used ellipsis :D



cdog121201 says...


i like ellipsis so....



User avatar
32 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 32

Donate
Sat Mar 07, 2015 4:47 pm



I'm guessing this is from the perspective of Anabelle?

*I've only read the first book...*




cdog121201 says...


AnnaBETH lol but yes it is.. its from the 4th book (battle of the Labyrinth)




Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant