Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Culture

Away From Home

by mpas

I had a bad childhood but now its one of the most famous books. It all started when I was little and lived with my parents, in the song period. We were one of the wealthiest families. We wore silk robes almost everyday.Unlike my poor friends that had hemp clothes that smelled like old wet hay. We also lived in a big wooden house. Everyone in the town believed in a religion, for my parents it was Christianity, but I did not. I still went to church with them and had to do all of those things but I never liked it. I wanted to be Taoist because it is not rules but things you should try and do. It was a cold day in october and I really did not want to go to church. So when my mom came in I said, “ Mom I really do not feel good.” I said. But apparently my mom was not in a good mood.

She said, “ How come you are sick today, the day we have to go to church and not yesterday when we did not have to go.” she said angrily while waving her arms.

“I don't know,“I said very impatiently “I can't control when I am sick.”

“Fine you can stay home.” After they left I started plotting how I am going to tell my parents that I want to be taoist. I thought maybe write them a note or make them dinner and tell them. After a lot of thinking I decided I was going to get them in there happy mood and tell them then. At that point I had about 1 hour before they came home. So I started reading my Taoism book, that my friend snuck into my house. I always learn new things, and today I learned that I should start meditating and discover who I am.One thing I learned last week was to live with compassion and harmony.

  At that moment I heard a window break and rushed down the stairs to she a young boy in a black hood taking are neighbors the Da Chin’s little gold box. If I liked them I would have gotten someone to help but I decided not to tell anyone. I despise them because when I was 6 I was playing in the backyard and my friend had just given me the new Taisum book and the dad saw me and told my parents. After that I was not allowed to say the word taoism without getting shunned by my parents. So after that I was not allowed to see her for a week. I went back to my room and right after I go in bed I heard my parents come in. Then I heard my mom walk to my room and she opened the door. My mom started looking at me.

At that moment, I do not know what I was thinking but I blurted out, “I do not want to be christian, I want to be Taoist.”

My mom jumped back and said, “ What did you Say said, take it back, take it back now!” she said it so angrily that her eyes started to twitching.

“No, I won't.” My mom stormed out of my room and locked me in there, she did not bother to give me food. My room is next to my parents so I heard them talking about my punishment. I heard things like ;

“ No she will leave this house if she is not christian.”

“She is just a kid don't be so hard.” But the thing that surprised me the most was this.

“ She will leave for a week and if she is not christian by the end we will not talk to her” said my mom.

“Fine, one week.” said my dad. At that moment I ran grabbed the biggest bag I could find and started putting everything useful and valuable to me in it. That night when my parents were asleep I crawled out my window and in to my parents window, when I was in their room I stole some money.

That morning my mom came in and said “you will be out of the house for one week and if by the end you are christian you can come back and live here.”

I left right away and ran to my friends Hu’s (Hu means tiger in chinese) house but her parents said that my parents payed them to keep me out. That night I found a ditch and to sleep in. After 10 min my stomach started making weird noises like lion growls and thats when I realized I was hungry so I went and stole some of the rice in the rice fields and started cooking it over a fire. When I was cooking something caught my eye in a patch of green grass. When I picket It up a arow was pointing at a N. At that moment I realized that this is a compass a new invention that china created. One week went by like this me stealing food and trying not to get noticed. Right at midnight on the last night of the week my parents found me sleeping in a ditch, and my mom got right to the point. With a booming voice she said

“Are you going to be christian or Taoist.”

Without hesitation I said, “Taoist.” and my family turned their back to me and walked away with there hair blowing in the wind. That night(without me knowing) in the courthouse people gathered and said that I would have to leave town or go to jail, if I could not get back into my family because they do not like that I am stealing food. That morning a boy with dark hair and scratches on his arms looked down at me and said

“You have to get out of here.”

As I looked closer I realized that he was the same boy that stole from the Da Chin’s. Without thinking I said “ You were the one that stole from the Da Chin’s.”

“Yes,” he said, “that box was my grandfathers once and they stole it from me, its very precious to my family, now lets get your things and get walking, I will walk with you partway and then you're on your own.”

‘Where are we going?”

“I will tell you when we are walking.” said Cha ling. In the end the reason he was helping me is this same thing happened to his older brother and he believes that people should be able to pick what we believe in what we want. He is taking me to go live with his aunt and uncle in a nearby town that are Taoist.

About 3/4 of the way he said “I have to go now follow the path and the first town you reach , it is where my aunt and uncle live, they live on Yu rode.” So I lived with them and I still live in the same house. Everyday I practiced Taoism by living with nature and being true to myself.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
445 Reviews

Points: 70219
Reviews: 445

Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:21 am
EternalRain wrote a review...

Hello :)

First of all, I just wanted to say, your story is fairly good so far, and with lots of editing and fixing grammatical issues, it could be amazing.
You do have quite a lot of actual information about China, which is a great thing to know, except since this is so focused on the religions, what do they do? What does Toaism practice? etc, etc. get the facts in! Just be sure you capitalized proper nouns, like the Song period and Christain and Toaist.

The fact that this is about religion and parent pressure is awesome - which are two hard issues to go through in life, so it is very relatable.

Despite those, I do have some reccomendations, besides grammar issues.
1), You have way too many run-on sentences, it just gets totally confusing when reading a chapter. Make sure you're using punctuation at the end of your sentences properly.
2) Your transitions are pretty choppy, and fast. One minute she does this, the next she practices the religion Taoism. I get the feeling - I know you want to finish, but trust me, slow and steady wins the race (as in getting a fantastic work finished).
3) Your paragraphs are pretty chunky and I would suggest breaking them up a little more to even it out, especially when you have something in a paragraph that doesn't relate to the other topic that is in the same paragraph.

Great work, though, and be sure to go back and edit ;) Good luck!

~ EternalRain ^.^

User avatar
346 Reviews

Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

Sat Mar 07, 2015 7:15 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya mpas, pretzelsing here for a review of your short story.

This story needs a lot of polishing and work but it also has a lot of potential to become interesting.I will really strive to help you here with every aspect of this story.

First of all, you can expand and explain to us about both religions, Taoism and Christianity. What do they believe(in a nutshell) what do you have to do,what kind of church/worship do they practice, etc. I honestly don't know a lot about Taoism, but it is your job to research,research,research all about it and then try to realistically explain it to the readers. That's what google is for ;)

Next thing, I would mention the character's name,and even though this is first person, have the parents call her name out or even just shout it out.

Everyone in the town believed in a religion, for my parents it was Christianity, but I did not.

Make it clear that she didn't believe in Christianity, because how the sentence is phrased right now I am getting the impression that she doesn't believe in religion. What if you said:

"Everyone in the town believed in a religion, for my parents it was Christianity, but I didn't believe in their religion."

This story is boring! Do you want to know why? There is no emotion or thoughts in it really. Since this is written in the first person POV from the main character, you could really get us into her mind and expand her thoughts and reactions, and the reason behind her actions.

The pacing was too quick, woah, slow down, hold onto the horse's reigns because honestly this story was too short and quick. You could really expand this and make this like ten pages long if you wanted to(I am not saying to do that but my point would be-to make it longer)

I understand that this is the main character storytelling this so please remember to: "tell in a showing manner" and show us the actions,reactions, inside the telling, if you know what I mean. Here is an example that I will give directly from your writing:

We also lived in a big wooden HOUSE.

That is a simple sentence, but you aren't telling in a showing manner. I can't really get a clear picture in my head of this house. I mean there are hundreds of big wooden houses, what makes this one so different? <,<
This is how I would write it:

"We lived in a spacious (maybe even put in here how many square inches) house built out of oak wood that was light and smooth to the touch. Built two stories high, I could see the whole town my overlooking bedroom window. Sunny yellow curtains framed the tiny windows in the front. A single curvy path of carved rocks lead the way to the front door."

Now I am not saying that this is a perfect description or anything, but do you see my point?I told you what type of wood,how it felt, how big the house was exactly,etc. You could imagine this more clearly than you original sentence, correct? Let me do another example:

“ Mom I really do not feel good.” I said. But apparently my mom was not in a good mood.

I will focus on the second sentence:
"My Mom's brows were furrowed and she looked deep in thought. Pricked by my non apparent sickness, she brushed all concern away and looked at me which a stern thin-line mouth appearance."

With these examples, and your own mind, this should empower you to just tell us in a showing manner. You really need to work on that.
I was also wondering, why didn't you show us the emotion that the girl felt when her parents were talking in the bedroom?? Really? <,< I would like to know what's going on in her head.

“ She will leave for a week and if she is not christian by the end we will not talk to her”

It doesn't work like this, at the end of the week I will be Christian or not. Christianity is a life-long commitment, that you can make a decision in one minute. But then you have to live out the rest of your life acting like a Christian. I don't think that these parents know the real Christianity as I know it.

Tell us about how the character looked like, her appearance. We know that she is a Chinese girl, but that is it. I really only have a vague idea how she looks like, but I would really like you to show me what color her hair,skin is, etc.

Remember to carefully check your grammar, I saw a lot of mistakes that I won't point out because you should catch them while going back over it. Capitalize Mom and the first word in every sentence. Put correct punctuation, indent for a new paragraph, etc.

I was wondering about the boy? Why did he want to help her? This house that she lived in, why did the boy's aunt and uncle just let her use it? The ending was kind of bland, and it really didn't finish it nicely off like you could have if you were more creative. I think that this story needs a lot lot lot of work and polishing so my advice is to go edit,edit,edit, until it is exactly the way that you want. I hope that this review helps and if you have any questions then please PM me!Thanks!


"The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them."
— Louis C.K.