Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Mystery / Suspense


The sound in the dark Chap 2

by potter4life


Previously,

Thud!

I woke up on a moist place with soil around me.Suddenly the ground began to shake.I looked up and saw lava spilling from the mouth of a volcano and was spilling at a fast rate.Although i was at the bottom of it,i knew that it will soon reach me.I ran for my life and i could feel hot air running up my spine.I ran up a flight of stairs and thankfully,made it up the seventh level.I saw all the lava spreading like wildfire amongst the city of Mecstonia as it engulfed items that were in its way one by one.I looked around me and saw many computers with random screen stuff on it.

It looked like codes and while examining it,trying to brea the passwords to solve this mystery,a thundering voice spoke behind me." What are you doing here?"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
370 Reviews


Points: 37262
Reviews: 370

Donate
Tue Jul 07, 2020 2:44 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And I'm back for the second chapter.

First Impression: Another really short part I see. This feels a bit disjointed somehow. It doesn't seem to connect to the other part that well. Again quite fast paced but the idea is still quite nice.

Anyway let's get to it,

I woke up on a moist place with soil around me.Suddenly the ground began to shake.I looked up and saw lava spilling from the mouth of a volcano and was spilling at a fast rate.Although i was at the bottom of it,i knew that it will soon reach me.I ran for my life and i could feel hot air running up my spine.I ran up a flight of stairs and thankfully,made it up the seventh level.I saw all the lava spreading like wildfire amongst the city of Mecstonia as it engulfed items that were in its way one by one.I looked around me and saw many computers with random screen stuff on it.


Well that moves extremely fast there. Maybe a bit too fast. So many things are happening in this one paragraph and the reader gets whiplash trying to keep up with all of that. So you really need to space out those three four events and try to describe each one in a bit more detail. You have a lot of good ideas here but we can't get any sense of them because of how fast this moves. So you need to work on that quite a lot.

Aaand that's it for this story. A really short review for a really short story.

Overall: Like I mentioned earlier I like your idea. It definitely is interesting. It just needs more fleshing out.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
731 Reviews


Points: 42066
Reviews: 731

Donate
Tue Jun 02, 2020 1:51 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there - great username by the way! I can tell you and I are going to get along just fine ;)

This is super short for a chapter (did you mean for it to be a whole chapter?). That's fine as chapter length is your call, but maybe you want to think about posting longer sections on here? That way you get feedback on more of your work at once without having to spend points to post just small bits! It also helps the person who is reviewing to get a feel for your style and the way the piece flows which can make their review all the more valuable!

That being said, I'll just review what you've got here so far. If this is the 'previously' section - maybe you could pop it in italics or something to make that clear.

thud!


I say this all the time, but I don't think people need to use exclamation points in prose unless it's in speech. The emphasis could be indicated through the use of italics, for example.

I looked up and saw lava spilling from the mouth of a volcano and it was spilling at a fast rate.

I think you missed a word here.

Although i was at the bottom of it,i knew that it will soon reach me.

Watch out - you've accidentally switched tenses here! This should read 'it would soon reach me'. Also, don't forget to capitalise each I. If you run a spell checker through your work before posting, it should catch most of that for you.

I looked around me and saw many computers with random screen stuff on it.
.
What do you mean by random stuff?

It looked like codes and while examining it,trying to break the passwords to solve this mystery,a thundering voice spoke behind me.


As this was quite short, it's hard to comment on but I would recommend reading up on show vs tell in writing. It's something that's hard to do, but will definitely give your writing a boost :)

That's all I'll say for now - but happy to go into more detail if you need

Icy




potter4life says...


Thanks for the review! I will try to improve it!



User avatar
155 Reviews


Points: 13690
Reviews: 155

Donate
Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:59 am
soundofmind wrote a review...



Hello again potter!

Well, I HAD to find out what happened to Sheryl, so naturally, I came for part two! This part is really short, which isn't bad, really, but I do think this could've been included as part of chapter one, or you could easily expand on it!

I woke up on a moist place with soil around me.

Oh no! Did she get knocked out/pass out again?

I love the mystery right now where it's unclear what's real, imagined, or a dream. I can't wait to find out the answer to the mystery as we follow Sheryl.

I ran up a flight of stairs and thankfully,made it up the seventh level.I saw all the lava spreading like wildfire amongst the city of Mecstonia as it engulfed items that were in its way one by one.I looked around me and saw many computers with random screen stuff on it.

Oh wow. Okay. So a LOT happens in these three sentences! For one, we learn the name of the city(?) or town(?) that Sheryl lives in, and that there's a volcano erupting and lava is setting it ablaze. Where my main confusion comes in is with the stairs.

Are the stairs connected to something? There's seven floors - is she inside a building? This is where adding more descriptions of the setting and what Sheryl sees around her would greatly help your story. There's the good sort of confusion you want in a story by withholding information that creates mystery, but there's the hurtful confusion where we know so little that the surprises and twists and turns lose their power.

a thundering voice spoke behind me." What are you doing here?"

Oh!! Can't wait to see who the voice belongs to.

All in all, I'm interested in what's going on, I just wish I knew more of what things looked like!

Keep writing, and if you finish let me know so I can read and review the next chapters!
-sound




potter4life says...


THanks!




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield