z

Young Writers Society


12+

Beauty and Death---Chapter One

by polishcommonwealth


Pan Casimir Zovstrinsky wore a cap with three feathers, two red, one white, symbolizing the colors of the Polish Commonwealth. He was clean shaven, except for a mustache.  Around him went the belt where the pistol and sabre was kept. He was at that time in Krakow, for he had come from southern Poland from a crushing defeat by the Ottomans. He arrived there with two friends, Mikhail Szeinzhevich and Krystof Dabrowski who had fled with him after the battle. They were followed by fifteen hussars under Pan Kazimierz’s command. When they entered Krakow, the townspeople surrounded them with curiosity. The townspeople had already seen the king himself march into the city a few days earlier, and now they looked to see Pan Kazimierz marching up the city streets. He had gone to Krakow for he had also heard the king was going to make a last stand there. He went across the city streets, heedless of the townspeople turning their eyes towards him. He made way to the stable, where he gave his horses rest. He gave his hussars to the king, which was no large ceremonial offer. The king gladly accepted the men, and Zovstrinsky with his brother and Pan Mikhail and Pan Krystof went to find shelter and rest. In doing so, they dropped by an inn and had some food and drink there. While they were eating and talking amongst themselves, a man cried out:

“Hey, Kazimir! How are you, my old friend?” They looked upon a man holding a pipe in one hand and a cup of wine in the other.

“Not as good as wished, that is for sure. Gentlemen,” he said, addressing his friends. “This is Pan Alexander Krakowski. He is an old friend of mine. Sit down and join us, while I tell you of the disastrous battle with the Ottomans.”

“Yes, I heard of the defeat. May Christ save us!” he said, making the sign of the cross. Tell me all.”

“It began like this. As soon as we set out from Warsaw, we were very enthusiastic about the whole thing. Yet we made slow progress through the woods and hills. King Sobieski (for John III Sobieski was king at the time) made few stops because of this. The whole trip was uneventful, until the night before we reached Vienna. When most of us were asleep, there came upon us the horsemen of the Khan. They too had besieged Vienna. We quickly got up, and blindly shot into the darkness. We heard a few cries, but only a few. Soon we realized that we were surrounded, and the tartars never stopped firing their arrows. Many of us fell, many of whom I knew well.

“But I did not let that stop me. I got up, picked up my sabre, and led my regiment of hussars down upon the tartars. But the terrain being wooded land, the charge ended in disaster. We had to withdraw, and my regiment did little damage against the tartars. Soon however we managed to fend them off, with King Sobieski leading the army to victory and routing the tartars of the Khan. But later we discovered that we had suffered many casualties. King Sobieski however made a speech about the dead which strengthened and encouraged us to go on. Yet it was to no avail! We mostly had hussars, and cannons, and we thought that that was enough to ride against the Turks. But indeed, it was not. The tartars, though defeated, succeeded in delaying and weakening us, for when we reached Vienna, we saw the Turkish flag already hovering before the city." Here Pan Alexander lowered his head into his hands, and as he listened to Pan Casimir's story, he prayed. "Our hearts dropped within us. We knew that hussars and cannons could not break through walls. Even when we could’ve gone through one of the holes in the walls, our king decided that he would not risk the battle, and that it would be better for the Turks to come to us.

“So we withdrew, and we faced no opposition along the way until we reached the town of Katowice." 

"And there you were utterly defeated?" said Pan Alexander gloomily.

"Not yet. We were caught by an army of Turks, who must have caught up with us. We did not know where they came from, for we thought that the army in Vienna would rest after the long siege. But nonetheless, we faced them bravely, and thankfully we had the higher ground. The cannons roared, and the king ordered a charge with all his hussars. I myself led two regiments of hussars down into the flank of the Turks, routing and confusing them greatly. I try to say so without giving praise to myself, for non nobis dominus, sed nobis tuo da gloriam. (Not to us, Lord, be the glory, but to you be the glory.) The attack was successful, with the Turks fleeing before us. That night I gave praise to the Lord for the victory. The victory had raised my spirits, and the whole army had better spirits.

“Yet the victory was not celebrated for long. The next morning we tried to make progress towards here, but then more Turks caught up with us again. We did not have the time to charge, for when we realized what was happening cavalry rushed into us on two sides. I tried to hack at the bodies with my sabre, but soon we fell back and reorganized. Then we attacked, with our lances forward, and the Turks did likewise. You might have said that it was one large jousting contest. But it was far more bloody than that."

"I can imagine!"

"I nearly fell of my horse, deflecting a blow from a sword. As soon as we collided, I had the sudden urge to flee, but I stayed my ground. But as I looked about me, Many of us were fleeing. The king retreated from the Turks and told me, ‘We must flee now, or we will have no escape, and the Commonwealth will be lost. Go with your men to Krakow. I will follow in a different direction.’ I wished to object, but I knew that that would be useless. Therefore I fled with my hussars down towards an indirect road towards Krakow. On the way, I came along my two friends that I made during the march during my flight, Pan Mikhail Szeinzhevich and Pan Krystof Dabrowski. Together we rode along until we arrived today.”

“That is a long and extensive story!” said Pan Alexander. “A good tale, sad but true. But we shall make a last stand here in Krakow! With God’s aid we shall make a last stand at Krakow, and we shall put to the sword all of the disbelievers! For God is on our side, we shall win. Huzzah the Commonwealth!!” His voice had risen so great that all the people in the tavern could hear him. Lifting their mugs, they cried out in response:

“Huzzah! Huzzah! Long life to Sobieski!” and they all toasted to Sobieski’s health. Then Alexander’s voice quieted down to a whisper.

“Alas, if I had been healthy, I would have taught those Turks a lesson.”

“You were wounded?” asked Zovstrinsky.

“I was not wounded, merely sick with the flu. The king did not let me go, lest I would have made the entire army sick.”

“He did well of that,” said Pan Krystof, wishing to join the conversation. “Perhaps if the whole army was sick not one of them would have fled safely back here.”

“It is true. Perhaps it was better that I did not go. But now, being fully recovered, I can show what a sabre I have.”

“Perhaps, Perhaps,” said Szeinzhevich.

“What do you mean ‘perhaps?’” said Pan Alexander, alarmed.

“Nothing. Hopefully the Commonwealth will hold out until help from France or Saxony arrives.”

“What help? We may be alone now,” said Pan Alexander gloomily.

“I do not doubt that help will come," said Pan Kazimir. "Whether the help comes late is the question. But I am afraid that I may not be here for the first few assaults.”

“Why not?” Zovstrinsky’s three friend’s called out at once.

“I most go to Lvov and then to Lublin for in Lvov I have a brother and in Lvov and a sister and a nephew in Lublin. I cannot abandon them to Turkish assault."

“Lublin is well garrisoned,” replied Pan Mikhail. "But your brother is in trouble. When do you wish to leave?”

“As soon as possible. Perhaps the king will let me go tonight. But I will not want company. I must go alone. I hope you understand.” The three friends nodded their heads. The conversation ended, and after they had finished their wine they left the inn. They all went to their tents to sleep for it was doubtful that they would get much sleep when the Turks arrived. Zovstrinsky however went to the king to ask if he might go to Lvov and then to Lublin. The king had no objection. Indeed, he had little hope of surviving. His last hope was that perhaps reinforcements from France, Saxony, perhaps even from the Pope would come. Kazimir said goodbye to his friends, and then he saddled his horse and took some provisions. He went out of the gate and walked out with his horse. Even then as he left the city, he could see dust rising to the skies, and cannons roaring in the distance. The Turks were near. How desperately did Pan Kazimir want to stay and fight! But it could not be. His brother was in danger. He loved his brother, as he did the Commonwealth. But he could not leave his brother in such a perilous state. With these thoughts in his mind, he rode off into the darkness.

But as Pan Kasimir rode off, Pan Krystof could not sleep. When he went to his tent, he could not help thinking about Zovstrinsky. What evils must he endure! Shall he make it to Lvov, through the thick of Turkish armies? And even if he does make it to Lvov, what then? Shall he go to Lublin, or shall he return to Krakow by a different road from which he left? These thoughts put Pan Krystof into a rage when he finally tried to sleep. But in the sleep comfort was not found there either, for he had a terrible nightmare. In it, he saw first King Sobieski, clothed in white, dealing vengeance to all nations, terrifying them, and winning many victories for the Commonwealth. Yet someone even greater and larger came to Sobieski, evidently to Pan Krystof the Sultan. He held a baton in one hand, and a sword in the other. Yet Sobieski saw him. He charged on him, yet with one stroke, he was dealt a mortal wound from the Sultan. The Sultan passed by him. Then Pan Krystof saw fires, and blood, overflowing the hills, rivers, mountains, and towns. People were crying out, “Mercy! Have mercy on us, and we shall follow your ways!” But instead of mercy they received the sword. The armies of the sultan pillaged everywhere they dared wander, and no one was to stop him. Indeed, Pan Krystof saw no one to help the Commonwealth. A map was laid in front of him. On the map, the ghostlike Ottoman Empire spreaded like a wildfire, devouring the Commonwealth, spreading into Sweden, Russia, and even to the core of the Catholic Faith itself, where the Pope takes his seat. The Sultan ran on his horse, destroying everything that dared resist his power.

Pan Krystof woke up in a cold sweat. But thinking he had not woken yet, he grabbed his sabre and slashed a hole through the tent. Cold rain hit his face, and it was then that he was fully aware that he was in the real world again. A guard saw this, and said;

“Sir, I was concerned about you. You were tossing in your sleep and crying out to God for help. I know that I am only a guard, but I cannot help myself. What were you dreaming about as you slept?” But Pan Krystof did not hear him, nor wished to hear him. Instead he put on his coat and hat, and went outside to walk around the streets.

He thought over the dream. “Mercy! Mercy, and we will follow your ways!” This was ringing in his ears as he walked about the town square. The night was calm, and many stars were shining above him. He walked past the abandoned streets, the marketplace, which was deserted of sellers, and at last he came to a garden. But it seemed to him that the garden was foul smelling, and rats were crawling over the overgrown plants.

“The Commonwealth is ruined,” he muttered under his breath. “Nothing lives here that is beautiful. How are we supposed to defend ourselves against the raging wrath of the sultan?” And then, out of pure exhaustion, fell over into the wet dewy grass, and fell asleep.


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Fri Mar 13, 2020 5:13 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hello pcw! (Is it cool if I call you that? Short for polishcommonwealth?)

Hope you're doing well. I'm here to drop off a review for you. You requested for me to review chapter two, and that I should go through this chapter to make sense of it. When I saw this had only one review and was still in the Green Room, I thought why not leave it a review!

Alright, let's start now~

You started your chapter with details of a Polish person - our main character, I'm assuming. Usually, when someone starts of saying something with just details of people, and sometimes when it gets overly done, I find it just drags the story. Like, there's no sort of reason we're seeing the character's hat, or clothes, now. What you could do though, is chop the description up and spread it out throughout your first few chapters. When our Kazimir is atop his horse or something, you could describe his hat then - that the hat with three feathers, two red, one white was about to fall off as his horse galloped at full speed - something like that, ya know?

Anyway, I like the way we're seeing your characters. I don't know much about Polish/Turkish history, mainly because I live on the opposite side of the world than Poland and Turkey, but this seems interesting so far! You easily put a story and history together, which I have trouble doing so hats of to you. :)

Like @Em16 said in the previous review, there are a lot of names, and it's confusing me a bit, mainly because they're completely foreign to me. I guessed that 'Pan' is a title given to specific people in Poland? Anyway, I advise that you stick to one main character to three at most, so your readers don't get confused as to who's side they're supposed to stick to, ya know what I mean?

"I try to say so without giving praise to myself, for non nobis dominus, sed nobis tuo da gloriam. (Not to us, Lord, be the glory, but to you be the glory.)"

When you're writing a long dialogue, I'd suggest you take breaks in between to describe what everyone else's emotions/expressions so we know that the other people are still there and they're listening. So, what I'm trying to say for this specific line is that, you can leave the "non nobis dominus, sed nobis tuo da gloriam" there, but then pause the dialogue for a bit, and then tell your readers, as the narrator, that this phrase means "not to us, Lord, be the glory, but to you be the glory". I hope you understand what I mean! =)

The conversation ended, and after they had finished their mead or wine they went out of the inn.

At a couple of places in the chapter, the story had some sentences that seemed weird to read, or had extra filler words in them. An example is the one above. We could easily simplify this bit into something like this:

The conversation ended. After they had finished their wine, they left the inn.

Much less words, and we get the point across easily! Since mead and wine is pretty much the same thing, there's no need to put both of them here. Either you can stick with having 'mead' only or 'wine'. If you put both of them together, it seems as if you're saying 'wine and wine'.

Anyway, this was a great chapter! I like our characters - they seem to be interesting. The history and fiction of the story seem to be going well so far and it looks good. Hopefully this review helped. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I'll get to the next chapter when I can. :)

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Hedwiggle Potter






Thank you for reviewing! I did not expect this surprise, though pleasant, as G. K. Chesterton would have put it. I see what you are saying with the clothes. I think I just wanted to get a description of the main character of the bat, but I could also split it up. Also, "Pan" is Polish for basically, "Lord," or "Sir". Also, thank you for pointing out my rambling type of writing! I love to ramble.
Ramble ramble.
Ramble.
Scrambled Rambles.
Thank you!



Lib says...


Lol, I'm glad I could help! :)





Admittedly, When I am reading Polish novels, I get mixed up with the names to, sometimes. Especcially at the beginning of the novels. But these novels are by geniuses. The works are masterpieces. And as the story went along, I got a bit used to them. Maybe it's different for me because though I do not have Slavic blood in me, I go to a Slavic Church, and I hear names of saints that are a bit weird.



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Sun Feb 23, 2020 6:14 pm
Em16 wrote a review...



Hey! Nice job with this piece. I liked the way you wove history into the story, and explained the specifics of battles between Poland and the Ottoman Empire. I don’t know much about Eastern European history, but I easily followed your story. You have a lot of dynamic characters and high stakes situations, and I’d like to read more and find out what happens.
I did think, however, that your narrative was somewhat lacking in drive. The Ottoman invasion was hanging over the heads of the main characters, but I didn’t really get a sense of urgency out of the threat. I would suggest describing what would happen if the Ottomans succeed in invading. What terrible things would happen? How would the characters be affected? How would their families be affected? What are the characters doing to prevent the Ottoman invasion? That, I think, would really draw the reader in even more, if there was a tangible goal the characters were trying to reach.
I also would like to know more about the characters in the story. The different names all seemed to blend together, especially because they are foreign names. I would suggest picking one or two characters and focusing on them specifically. What are they like? What do they think of the invading Ottomans? What do they stand to lose if they don’t defend Krakow? Are they afraid? Are they excited to go to war? If the reader has a character to identify/sympathize with, it makes the story a lot more real.
Overall, though, I saw a lot of themes in your narrative. I liked the grandeur of the ending, with a dream that seems to say something, and the desperation of Pan Krystof. I also liked the detail about the guard standing outside in the rain and trying to help. I look forward to reading more of your writing!






Thank you for your interest! I thank you for all the splendid questions which will definitely help me to go more in depth in my characters. I think next chapter I will focus on Pan Casimir going to Lvov--There things will definitely will get emotional for him!





Also, this is alternate History, so the battles I am making up. But so desperately do I want to write a historical fiction novel!




You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon