z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Prologue

by ofmonstersandmen1234


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The air is cold and the feeling that something is wrong forces me to open my eyes slowly. I’m in my room. It is small and very dimly lit with faint light of a small synthetic tree. I can only see very distorted images being made by shadows. I throw my legs over the side of my bed leaving the warmth, crossing over to the massive door that stands between me and the hallway. The door being ajar allows me to open it without making any noise so I can reach the bathroom without waking up Mamma or Pabbi. The darkness of the hallway is like an endless void, making my way over to the bathroom I hear creaks and mechanical noises that are very silent. Darting out of my room to the bathroom to avoid anything grabbing me in the dark of the house. The light is so far up that I can’t reach the switch to turn it on so I say one word and the light washes out the room at that moment I hear a bump. It’s just Mamma or Pabbi. I think to myself. I can barely see out the door and I can see mysterious, shadowy figure move across the hall.

I hide behind the door of the bathroom to keep myself from seeing the monster out there. There is a loud creak that sends chills down my spine. Move in a little closer to see just outside of the door; whoever it was left the door ajar; seeing a shadow standing over my father’s sleeping body, the phantom raises a knife just above him. “Stop!” I yell out just as it plunges the knife into my father’s body once, twice, over and over again until he is dead for sure. It must not have heard my plea or just didn’t care. It continuously stabs my father. My mother wakes to my scream. She gets up but the thing is too quick for her.

It quickly moves over to her and takes the knife to her neck, moving the knife quickly across her throat. I run back to the bathroom and close the door quietly staying in there in the night for what feels like an eternity. I hear footsteps move quickly. Thinking the monster is gone, I walking out of the bathroom I tiptoe back to my parent’s room and I open the door.

I have to make sure this is real, I have to know what just happened. A feeling of intense dread grabs and claws at my stomach letting me know that something is wrong. This is real. They are really gone. I rush over to their bodies, over to my father. His lifeless corpse still on the bed a pool of blood surrounding him. Tears start to pour from my eyes as I shake him “PABBI!” I cry. Then I move over to my mother. The surprised look on her face carries fear and sadness. “MAMMA!” I yell. I shake her body. She doesn’t respond. All I can do is cry.

Just like that, I am alone in the world.


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121 Reviews


Points: 110
Reviews: 121

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Sun May 20, 2018 9:31 pm
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manilla wrote a review...



Hello! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?

--

Elysian took care of spelling/grammar/things and most of my points like that, so I'll move on from there and poke at the main aspects of the story.

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I feel like the main character is destined to be some type of hero, with both his parents dead in the very beginning and all. Who is this phantom that killed them, anyway? Will the protagonist rise, complete the duty, and slay it?

Or will you stray from my mentioned clichés and do something original? I shall see!

You write suspense decently, mentioning small personality and action details. But you can always delve into details by adding pauses, whether they be visual or textual. (Paragraph breaks!) For an even more suspenseful effect, slow your pacing in the beginning of the chapter by getting into the details that an exposition covers, like who the character is, where they live, etc. But there's a first chapter for that.

Details, details, details. They slow down your story, but at the same time, they make it real.

--

That's all from me!
-Manilla out

(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention.)






I'm going with how my mentor and I chose to write this most things are grammar that will be changed but all of my Beta's seemed to like the rest so far.



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275 Reviews


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Sat May 19, 2018 9:00 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



Hello, here to read your work! love myself some science fiction.

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Grammar

It is small and very dimly lit with faint light of a small synthetic tree.


*the faint

The door being ajar allows me to open it without making any noise so I can reach the bathroom without waking up Mamma or Pabbi.


*The door ajar allowing me to open it without making any noise

Thinking the monster is gone, I walking out of the bathroom I tiptoe back to my parent’s room and I open the door.


*I walk out

Story:

The air is cold


maybe say "the cold air"? That way you're not just saying the air is cold like a statement, and just provided an adjective to describe the air.

I can only see very distorted images being made by shadows.


I would take out "being" because I was confused and thought you meant like "human beings" instead of what you actually meant.

your paragraphs are sorta chunky, here is where I would divide them:

The door being ajar allows me to open it without making any noise so I can reach the bathroom without waking up Mamma or Pabbi.
/
The darkness of the hallway is like an endless void, making my way over to the bathroom I hear creaks and mechanical noises that are very silent.
/
I hide behind the door of the bathroom to keep myself from seeing the monster out there.
/
It quickly moves over to her and takes the knife to her neck, moving the knife quickly across her throat.
/
I have to make sure this is real, I have to know what just happened.
/
Just like that, I am alone in the world.


so, basically what you have except the first paragraph.

This is a very interesting opening, and it makes me intrigued to see who this thing was and why he did what he did. I feel like the flow of this could be improved on. You have a nice vocabulary but sometimes you have choppy sentences or a run on sentence in multiple spots. For example:
There is a loud creak that sends chills down my spine. Move in a little closer to see just outside of the door; whoever it was left the door ajar; seeing a shadow standing over my father’s sleeping body, the phantom raises a knife just above him.
[/quote]

this is a run-on and could be punctuated in a better way.

I also feel like this is a lot of telling instead of showing. Really dive into your MC's thoughts and feelings surrounding what was going on. Was he or she sweating? were they trying to come up with a plan to defeat this person? holding their breath? were they crying? the more details, the better!

Also, I feel like the italicizing is too much, maybe just do it the first time you say "It"? I feel like italics add emphasis, and doing it too much makes it lose its ability to do that.

I'm excited to read on, this is very interesting! (great job on hooking the reader :p)

- Del





In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore