wish i could write now
and tell you to
stop chasing them and
i'll forget that, you, girl
know that you’ll tear away, lash at
ropes binding their love pining
for connections, gnawing
at their soul proclaiming
this real, consists of
drawing blood clinging
vainly onto their dwindling
patience draining away until
nothing remains, depleted
you leave both waywards empty
longing for real connection you
severed long ago, for if this
is what a dear friend deserves
then to god i pray
for all your lovers
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
I like the name of the poem already. Also that it implies we're praying to the god not for us but for someone else. Let's read it now.
Ok so I can see that the middle of the poem has a lot of similar phonetics, not quite rhyming, but it works very well. It's just that... it doesn't really feel coherent to me? It's staccato-like and so a lot of meaning is lost for me.
The beginning kinda had me think we're speaking out in warning against falling in love too easily :3
I adore this poem in my opinion, and here's why...
1st) You don't need to try and build up to hit the right emotion your reaching for in the audience, you dive right in giving in raw emotion to make the crowd not just sense it but feel it, making your words bigger and louder by just how you write
2nd) When you write, every single line, their all so well written and phrased, it makes every single word sink in. further to reach the hearts of the readers, making the poem so raw and powerful with precise power that could make a poet cry, it is beautifully done writing wise as well
3rd) The pattern you write in is phenomenal, you know exactly when to pause, to let your words sink in just right, and when to skip a phrase to keep the momentum with a hint of sorrow and peace. it is beautiful.
keep writing I love your poetry, it is beautiful as I've said before, but it really is, keep it up
This poem carries a strong emotional message, and I can feel the concern and frustration behind the words, especially in how you describe someone hurting others while searching for connection. The imagery is intense and meaningful, though at times it feels a bit crowded, so simplifying a few lines could help your strongest ideas stand out more clearly. Your voice already has depth and honesty, and with a bit more control in structure and flow, the message would come across even more powerfully. Overall, it shows real potential and a clear sense of emotion that just needs a little refinement to fully shine.
HIYA YWS MEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am genuinely riveted by this! :O! Reading this felt like a physical weight and t’s so heavy and raw! The way you describe that predatory cycle of "gnawing" and "drawing blood" is honestly visceral. It’s not just a poem, it feels like a final incantation or a warning. I’m actually stunned by the ending. That last line is so ominous and biting!! The vocabulary you used like waywards, depleted, and severed. It gives it such a sophisticated yet melancholic edge. I have no critiques because your command of language is already so far beyond anything I could suggest! But.. I do have some tips! Using bolded, italic, or even specific punctuation can enhance the wording and poem even more! It’s devastatingly beautiful!!! I LOVE IT ALLLLLLLLL!!!!
-Klee 2.o Kaboom :3
Nataleee
thank you, natalee! I did try to sort of invoke those words as like a final warning. II did originally have formatting planned but alas i was too lazy to do it