i want to rescue you again
for once this time
in dreams i am tethered
down to your oceans, i dive
to you, submerged
in your grief reaching through
my veins, bubbling up like
the bends, your rapid breaths
fogging up my visor. to hear you
cry shatters something deepening
within my guarded heart
and suddenly, i am here too, same
looking into your watery eyes
i hold you, drowning
hook up my oxygen tank
to your depleted lines
telling you to breathe in and
hold it here until the pounding
of your heart subsides
red sirens blare a warning so
i unclip these bound clasps and
push myself away into abyssal
depths, watching you slowly
sink up to the surface
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
For a second I thought this read "sink down to the surface and was abt to comment on the metaphorical meaning XD But this works very well as is :3
Ohhh I like how this ties to the title. And overall a solid image!{
I also like what comes after, the grief reaching, the submerging, I feel everything is nicely put together. I'm not sure about the choice of using "the bends"? maybe it's the language barrier tho :/
I know grammar in poem's is it's own beast so I just ask you: "shatters something deepening" why deepening here and not deepends?
I really really like the imagery that follows. From the oxygen tank to everything else. And that final line, ahhh the interpretation angles. As in, the narrator feeling like they've been dragging the other down and letting them go allows them to escape but at the same time it's the other's OCEAN we're stuck in!!
mini-mini review ?
My personal interpretation of this is that it's a relationship between the speaker and the subject in which they both are trying to help each other while collectively sinking in their own lives. The imagery is distinct and well expressed. I recommend editing and using punctuation for emphasis over certain sentences. Love the line that goes "...and suddenly, i am here too, same
looking into your watery eyes" because it demarcates the poem into two parts and to be specific it starts feeling comparatively more immersive. Overall it's an amazing poem, very unique and paradoxically abstract while also being upfront.
Alright that's all, keep writing ^^
i would recast relationship into frinedship, but you're pretty on the money about the meaning.
Thankyou for clarifying
HAI HAI YWS MEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :
I am actually transfixed by this entire poem because it feels less like reading words and more like getting pulled underwater into someone else’s grief until it starts becoming your own!!! :O The whole atmosphere is so suffocating, intimate, and dreamlike in the most haunting way possible. It is like love and drowning are happening at the exact same time and you cannot separate them anymore!
I am genuinely mesmerized by your underwater imagery because it is SO consistent and emotionally powerful. “tethered in dreams” immediately sets up this feeling of being bound to someone in a way that is both comforting and trapping. Then you deepen it with “down to your oceans, i dive” which is such a strong emotional shift because grief becomes a literal place the speaker enters instead of something they just observe. The phrase “the bends” especially stood out to me because it makes emotional pain feel physical and dangerous, like loving someone is actively harming the body.
Your vocabulary and sensory detail are also incredible. Words like submerged, visor, abyssal depths, and depleted lines all build this tight, claustrophobic underwater world that feels so consistent and cinematic. I especially loved “your rapid breaths fogging up my visor” because it puts both characters in such an immediate, fragile moment where survival feels uncertain but intimate at the same time.
The emotional progression is what really hit me though. “to hear you cry shatters something deepening within my guarded heart” feels like the exact turning point where the speaker stops protecting themselves and starts fully absorbing the other person’s pain. Then “hook up my oxygen tank to your depleted lines” is SUCH a powerful image because it turns love into a literal act of life support, like the speaker is giving themselves away just to keep the other person alive. And the ending absolutely wrecked me… “sink up to the surface” is so disorienting and beautiful because it reverses expectation in a way that feels like sacrifice disguised as survival.
This poem feels like emotional submersion, like choosing to drown with someone so they do not have to drown alone. It is quietly catastrophic in the best way and it stays with you after reading.
One small tip if you want to push it even further:
You could try varying sentence length a bit more in the middle section. Right now the flow is very smooth and continuous (which works for immersion), but adding one or two slightly sharper, shorter lines during the emotional peak could make moments like the oxygen-tank exchange hit even harder. Also, if you ever want to deepen impact further, you could emphasize one “anchor image” (like the visor fogging or the oxygen line) by briefly returning to it near the end, so the poem feels like it closes a loop emotionally.
But honestly, the emotional core and imagery already work beautifully together. I LOVE THIS SO MUCHHHH!!! <333
-Klee 2.0 Kaboom :3
I yap a lot
i appreciate. thank you