It was a warm summer night and within the small town there was a large argument. The argument was so loud that the whole town could hear it. “Mom Chao and I want to be stage performers” exclaimed Bao. “You need to be a soldier for your-” before Chin, Bao’s mom, could finish he had already left the room and slammed the door to his own.
Later that night Bao was pacing in his room slowly, thinking about what he could do to rebel against his parents. He was 18 and so was his friend Chao and they had a dream to be stage actors together. That night Chao and Bao formed a plan. Chao would be in charge of getting food and water while Bao would get a tent and an oil lamp. 40 minutes passed and they were ready, they would run away.
They left their town at 1:00 am, by the time the sun rose at 7:00 they had made it 30 miles and were in a whole different town. They did their first street show. They made 7 yuans and a little bit of rice. That night they ate well, they spent 5 yuans at the town’s best market. They had a plump duck cooked and seasoned to perfection. The rest of the yuans they kept safe in their packs.
The next day they explored the town looking for good areas where there were a lot of people. They found a marketplace where there was so many trading stands and people you couldn't count. The next day they would be performing there. They made some signs for their show and posted them up around the marketplace (市井).
That night before they went to bed there was a stand with saké, an alcoholic beverage, and flint lighters. That night they got very drunk and while they were drunk they were playing with the flint lighters. Chao lit a fire then exhaled and a large plume of fire exited his mouth. Both boys sat there amazed by Chao’s ability to exhale fire like a dragon. That next sunset they would use that skill to make money. That night they used their last yuan to buy more saké. Chao stepped onto the small stage the marketplace had while Bao gathered people. There were maybe 30 people, it was show time. Chao took a sip of the saké and spit and exhaled onto the spark the flint had created. Sending a fire ball of flaming alcohol out of his mouth into the air. It was like the world paused, everything went silent in the marketplace, then they all erupted in cheers. That night they made 29 yuans.
The next morning they moved to the next town and performed again, and again the town square erupted in cheers. Once again they made a lot of yuans. This was the cycle for many years. Chao was the dragon, and Bao was the treasurer. Their popularity grew and grew with more people at each show. Marketplaces invited Chao and Bao to perform there.
Until one night it went all wrong. Chao drank a little bit too much before the show. He got on stage, lit the flint and spit the saké up up at the spark. It caught fire then landed back on his face and torso, he turned his body away from the flames but not fast enough, scorching parts of his face and chest through his hemp clothing. After that night he was scarred, physically and mentally. Chao the dragon was scared of fire breathing. From here was a battle between fear and fire. After a full recovery he was still scared of fire breathing. The fear of fire destroyed him, Chao and Bao were becoming poor. They were losing popularity rapidly. Everyday more and more of their posters would be taken down. Months passed and the money that they had worked hard for was slipping away they had the bare minimals, everyday twice a day water and a little bit of food.
They ran out of money in 7 months and Bao needed Chao the most then ever. Chao got onto stage and took a sip of sake and blew a large plume of flame Chao the Dragon was back! They were trying to find a new place to perform. They were relatively close to their home town, where this adventure all started. They made some money on the way, then hired people to put their posters all over their home town. Several days passed, Chao and Bao were home. THey were back stage ready to see their old friends, and maybe their parents. Chao and Bao both got on stage. And guess who was in the front. It was their parents almost crying to see their boys grow up to be talented men. Chao performed and it was amazing. He blew the largest flame he had ever spit. After the show they were reunited with their friends and family, they all exchanged stories, their friends told stories of war, and they told stories of travel. From there on out the lived in peace.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey Nick!
I really liked your story. The very beginning made me want to keep reading, and the whole story kept me interested the whole time. However, you didn't start a new paragraph when your characters were talking, so make sure to do that. You could have used more showing throughout the story, but use it especially when you're describing the characters emotions and feelings. I saw some minor grammar issues, but that was the only thing I really noticed.
Overall, very good story!
I really like the plot of the story, it was very unique. One thing that I wonder, though, is if you could have made it a little bit longer. I thought the story also moved a little too quickly. But other than that I thought it was a really good story.
Since a lot of the things I have noticed occur throughout the text and being specific will help you more, I'm going to dissect this paragraph-by-paragraph.
1
I like how you start out with the warm summer night. It's a good start for your first sentence (which is important for writing) because it sets the mood and gives us a good idea of what the setting is like. However, you then tell us that here was an argument. This brings us to the showing versus telling aspect of writing. It's very important to making your story a masterpiece. It can sometimes be a difficult thing to keep track of all the time, but practicing really pays off.
Here's an example of showing VS. telling:
Telling
She was mad.
Showing
She fists clenched and her face turned scarlet. Her eyes became little slits and I swore that her irises turned red. Her mouth was twisted into a deep scowl that horrifically creased her face. Her breath was low and rapid, fogging up in the chilly air.
See how much more detailed that the second one is? Sure, it takes a bit more time, but it's a lot more fun to write. It can also give off descriptions of other things as well. You see how I used "fogging up in the chilly air"? We now know that it's cold out. If I had just used "she was mad", we wouldn't have known that it's cold out if we hadn't gone into detail or have shown instead of told. So, instead of telling us that there was an argument and that the whole town could hear it, try showing us. What did it sound like? Did any of the villagers react to the commotion?
Here is an example of what it could be like (but please don't steal my example; I encourage you to come up with your own):
The moon lit, high in the cobalt sky, was casting silver light against the homes of the humble villagers of (insert town name here). The night would have been quiet, filled with the chorus of crickets, if it had not been for the angry voices that came from the house at the top of the hill. The bickering had disturbed the villagers, making them incapable of sleep...
That's just rough, of course.
2
This is where one thing comes in: characters. So far, we've been introduced to three of them: Chao, Bao, and Chin. The problem is that I don't feel any sort of attachment towards them. I don't know what they look like or anything about their personalities. (Also, don't tell us that he's eighteen) You go quite fast in this paragraph, listing what happens one after the other, basically. We don't need to know that! Instead, take your time and "savour the tastes". I don't even know where Bao came from. It seems like he just magically disappeared. Look, to make this quite a bit slower and make sure we care about your characters or about the story, here are some things you can do:
~Dialogue. What are the characters saying to each other? How did they come up with that plan? Try showing us some of the things you told us.
~Description. The house, the characters, paintings, trinkets, etc. What do they look like. You don't have to go Dickens on us, but just some mention that could make your work noticeable. Especially with the characters. Right now, they seem like stick figures with question marks for a face. They all look the same and blend together. Note something about them that makes them half-decently noticeable.
~Actions. What are the characters doing? This can help establish relationships and also make your characters seem like they're not talking heads.
You're also going to need to make sure that we, the readers, are in the moment with your characters. Make it seem like it's a movie instead of a timeline.
3
Whoa, now you're listing statistics. We don't kneed to know what time it is. It's not quite relevant to the story. Instead, describe stuff. Where in the sky is the sun? What colours is the sky filled with? I'm sure that you've seen sunrises and sunsets before, so try being creative and add some description there.
Also, please don't tell us that they preformed. I'm not exactly sure what they were doing. That's not really a good thing. Like I said, be in the moment with you readers. What did Chao and Bao perform? What were the audience's reactions?
4
Same thing goes here about being in the moment. It still feels like a list of events here, so I encourage you to fix that. Description as well would be good. What did the posters look like? Better yet, what did the town look like?
Think of it this way:
When you start writing, you have a blank space and the tools to fill it. Characters, description, dialogue, conflict, etc. add colour to it. It's your job as a writer of fill that blank sheet and mold it into something new, something of your own creation. You can go marvelous roads with it, but it's all up to you.
5
Things get a bit better in this paragraph, but I feel like you jump from moment-in-time to moment-in-time. I'm probably going to keep bringing it up throught the rest of my review, but we really need to be int the moment. Still, you're in the "list of things", but that doesn't quite satisfy. Gradually write every event in which your characters' actions and words contribute to the plot.
6
This paragraph is probably the listyest of all them all. You could literally put this into pont form without changing anything. Here are some paragraph-specific solutions for the problem:
~Describe the town. This takes place in long-time-ago China, right? Well, my knowledge of that time period is limited, so I have no clue what the village looks like. You don't describe what it looks like or even how many people there are. In my head, every village looks the same and there is no difference between them.
Think of this like a movie. You've got the setting, the characters, lighting, props, camera angles, etc. We, naturally, are going to focus on the setting. The set designers need to plan the set design, get the materials, build the set, and make it realistic as possible. Currently, we're filming on a white backdrop. Imagine if they went ahead and filmed the movie. It would be pretty boring, right? The plot and lines itself could be really cool, but without an appropriate setting, it's blah-ish.
~Feeling. You need it. Let's go back to the movie example: actors need to show emotion or they're not good actors and the movie isn't seeming as powerful as it should. If an actor speaks in a monotone voice (unless their character requires it), they are incapable of getting any sort of emotion at all to the audience.
However, during writing (and for my example), it's a bit different. Not only in dialogue are you supposed to or can show emotion, it's good for thoughts actions or the feeling that they're getting. Right now, I'd imagine that at least one of your MCs would be in awe or something. But maybe they are also feeling something else. Try getting creative. (Oh, and narration helps too. But just be careful of telling instead of showing.
7
Still listing. I really need to have description here. What did the flames look like and how did they feel like? How did they get them out? What did the scars look like afterwards? What was Bao's reaction after the accident? Did they talk together? What did they say? You could really use some improvements here that will really give this an amazing boost.
8
(There should be a period after the first "flame" because it's a run-on right now)
Like I said previously: in the moment and description and feeling. This is really necessary here. This (story) is a journey, not a list of events one after the other and the readers want to experience it, seeing it through their own eyes (even though it isn't). Had the town changed at all? Make the readers feel relieved that they made it back home to see their friends and family. I don't feel any sort of connection to them, so I don't really care that they made it back home to their family. Make us care or feel like we should care. To make your story like this, do what I've been telling you all along and great things are sure to come out of it.
Last thought for this section: why would they live in peace? It doesn't seem relevant to the story and just bringing up the fact that they "lived in peace" doesn't really contribute to the story. There isn't really a conflict between them that could make them not live in peace. Your climax here is when Chao burned himself, so the conflict has noting to do with peace. How did they live in peace, either? Like I said, there is nothing to suggest not living in peace, so there is no solution to this non-existant problem.
Well, that's it from me! I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or rude at all. That was nowhere near my intentions. I'm just trying to help you improve.
So, yeah, stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug
Hello there!
I like the story you have here. However I feel like your beginning is a bit rushed. It simply just gives out the fact that there's going to be a big fight or something. To me, as for being a reader and a writer, I think you should lead up to the fight. Add some suspense and sudden twist that'll give the reader something to hold onto to. Another thing I feel is the dialogue is a bit modern. When writing about a historical topic (like Ancient China or Greece), research and plan ahead for what you might write. Provide some info about a certain time period.
In my honest opinion, I find this line a little cliche. If you want to make a story (or rather any beginning of anything), have a hook. It should possibly grab the reader, making them want more. In other words, don't be afraid to use your own words when writing something. Your sequence of planning doesn't exactly fix together; it feels as if you are just jumbling ideas together. If that happens, just try thinking before writing. If a character is talking, put yourself in their shoes and think how you might react.
His own what? I'm sure you meant his own room. Secondly, whose Chao? The reader can't think that (possibly) they are friends. As I said before, make some sort of backstory for your characters (or provide it along the way).
When writing numbers in a story, be sure to use the word form of it. When doing so, you'll have a nice flow of words instead of a sudden jump of numerical numbers.
When reading this sentence in my head, it feels a bit choppy. Like, it doesn't exactly fit my tongue when I read it. Also, it feels a bit bland?
These two sentences seem a bit repetitive, no? The second sentence is just copying what the first sentence was saying.
This work does need some helpful re-writing. I'm sure, however, that you'll be able to do so.
Steggy
Hello Nicyshi. I'm not a professional writer, but I do know what good writing looks like. I like the story, but I don't like how you went about writing it.
Hello Nicyshi. I'm not a professional writer, but I do know what good writing looks like. I like the story, but I don't like how you went about writing it.