z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Satisfaction.

by nehakadre


Welcome to the era of happiness.

You, sir, have missed out on quite some action,

Pure satisfaction, immeasurable attraction.

But fret not, for we have in store

Something you'd definitely adore.

Meet Milord Cookie and Milady Cream,

With chocolate chips and peanut butter dips.

Past the garden, greet The Jell-o's,

Vodka, Whiskey, and the Marshmallows.

A few towns over, do stop for some sprinkles-

A rainbow lining for when the stars twinkle.

(A secret, for if you are mischievous,

there's a route, ever so devious-

Beseech Le Chocolat noir so fine

And you'll finally taste Divine.)

Do stay a while longer, for we've heard

That candies make you stronger.

All in the end, let temptation rule over reason, 

Because here, it is always the Yummy Season.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
465 Reviews


Points: 29825
Reviews: 465

Donate
Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:11 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! First off, welcome to YWS! :D If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask! <3

Okay I love this cute little poem. It's so playful, lighthearted, and fun! I love your choice of using rhyme; it really adds to the playfulness of this poem and gives it a nice rhythm. This definitely brought a smile to my face. Now I'm hungry xD I would love to point out my favourite lines

A few towns over, do stop for some sprinkles-
A rainbow lining for when the stars twinkle.


I love how you referred to sprinkles as "rainbow lining" - that's a pretty neat image! Overall, I really, really enjoyed this cute poem c: I do have some things I'd like to mention. Now, these are just suggestions, so if you don't agree, then please feel free to ignore them! I just would like to give you some of my thoughts :)

So the first thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Right now, your poem is a large block of text that can look intimidating to some people. Using stanzas would make this easier to read and less intimidating, in my opinion. Here's an article from the Knowledge Base on here about stanzas if you'd like to check it out! There's some cool information here: Stanzas

I'm going to give you one way you could divide this poem in the spoiler below. Of course, this is just one out of the many ways you could divide this poem up! (side not: formatting stanzas on YWS can be a bit tricky, so please feel free to ask if you need some help!)

Spoiler! :
Welcome to the era of happiness.
You, sir, have missed out on quite some action,
Pure satisfaction, immeasurable attraction.

But fret not, for we have in store
Something you'd definitely adore.
Meet Milord Cookie and Milady Cream,
With chocolate chips and peanut butter dips.

Past the garden, greet The Jell-o's,
Vodka, Whiskey, and the Marshmallows.
A few towns over, do stop for some sprinkles-
A rainbow lining for when the stars twinkle.

(A secret, for if you are mischievous,
there's a route, ever so devious-
Beseech Le Chocolat noir so fine
And you'll finally taste Divine.)

Do stay a while longer, for we've heard
That candies make you stronger.
All in the end, let temptation rule over reason,
Because here, it is always the Yummy Season.


While reading this poem again when diving your stanzas, I realized how clever and neat your poem is!

Another thing I'd like to mention is your rhyme scheme. It's pretty consistent, but there are some places that you don't stick with it that I'd like to point out.

Welcome to the era of happiness.
You, sir, have missed out on quite some action,
Pure satisfaction, immeasurable attraction.


I think it would be cool if you could rhyme the first line with the next line so the reader knows to expect a rhyme scheme. I was a bit surprised to find out this was going to rhyme since it didn't start out that way.

Meet Milord Cookie and Milady Cream,
With chocolate chips and peanut butter dips.


(I love the names you've given Cookie and Cream haha) Okay so with this, you have an internal rhyme, which is cool! I personally would also make the second line rhyme with the previous one, but since you have an internal rhyme, I could see that might be a bit difficult. I just thought I'd point it out if you want to have something to think about.

And that's it! Like I said, please feel free to disregard anything you don't agree with. Overall, this was such a fun poem. I love your theme and the playfulness of this piece. It was fun, bouncy, and lighthearted, which made for an overall enjoyable read. I hope this helped! :D

url=https://imgbb.com/]Image[/url]




User avatar
78 Reviews


Points: 18
Reviews: 78

Donate
Tue Sep 08, 2020 7:41 am
Buranko wrote a review...



Hello there fellow writer. First of all I would like to welcome you to this society.
Your poem is really fun to read, it really creates a sweeet atmosphere. Reading it immediately I got transported in the wonderful world of sweets.
I really love your imagery but while some of them are specific "rainbow lining" others are quite vague "taste divine". I love a brainstormer but there is only this much I can think of when you say divine. One suggestion would be adding a little more to that image to make sure me as a reader understands what you were talking about. You could say "taste divine/straight out of god's grandmother recipe book". While my phrase sounds kind of choppy there is a nice message in the background. Everyone loves what a grandmother cooks, and from that point readers start to imagine how a god grandma would cook, thousands of times tastier.
I like that you used the classical structure, ans your rhymes are nice and playful. However you could try to rephrase some lines so that you can make it rhyme everywhere.
Nice poem, really looking forward to your next




nehakadre says...


Hi, thank you for your review! Your suggestions really helped!



User avatar
78 Reviews


Points: 18
Reviews: 78

Donate
Tue Sep 08, 2020 7:41 am
Buranko says...



Good job !




User avatar
311 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 311

Donate
Tue Sep 08, 2020 7:02 am
Riverlight wrote a review...



Hello there, @nehakadre! It's Squire Vilnius of the Knights of the Green Room, here to review your work!

So, my first impression of this work was that this was a cute and humorous poem to end my long night of reviewing with! It was sweet and made me smile!

There were no obvious grammatical errors in your work! Yay!

One thing I think you can improve on is that the lines "Beseech Le Chocolat noir so fine / And you'll finally taste Divine" seem a little forced to me. I think you should tinker around just a bit and see what you can do here.

The thing I like most about your poem is how you've created a calming, simple poem that's enjoyable to read and made me smell marshmallows for the past few minutes. I'm now craving sweets! XD

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Image




nehakadre says...


Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to review my poem. Glad it put a smile on your face:)



Riverlight says...


You're welcome!




I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical