Published March 29, 2008
don't look away
don't look away
for there are troubles in the universe
there seeking revenge for what u have done to them
i cant believe what u have done
you've gone and made a war within our hearts
we cant seem to stop it anymore
you've destroyed us all
you've destroyed us all... to the full extent
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hiden' my identity
hiding my identity from you
it's so had to keep it a secret
It's never been this hard
Why my heart... What's this feelin'?
I can't seem to stop this pounden beat
I can't seem to stop it from wantin you...
Come get me now
You might loss the chance to sweep me off my feet
Come rescue me from this awful place of lies
Come slay the dragon as my prince
Carry me off to the seas
Come be my friendly piarate
as we battle through the days
Save me from my fantacy world as i am only just a human
But come and be mine as you save me, oh lord
Come save me, my lord
Come save me
Come and save me...
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Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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127,021 Literary Works • 672,943 Reviews
Ok I finished typin up my 2nd short song...
-em
You've already uploaded five works and haven't reviewed anything. It's against the rules..you need to keep a 2:1 ration of reviews:works uploaded.
To review...you have several spelling mistakes in here. Which are bolded.
Also, this site is against chatspeak or talking like this: hi my name is periwinkle wot is ur name? nice 2 meet u.
This was a pretty nice lyric...a bit cliche, but it can be fixed.
Just remember to review something before you post anything else!
Oh. And dont has a ' between the n and the t as well so it looks like don't
Lets see. First things first. Clean up the spelling and grammar mistakes!
Cant needs a ' between the n and the t so it looks like can't
uve is spelled you've
truble is spelled trouble
Fix these and I'll be back to rate!
Alright, first things first, welcome to YWS! You may want to check out the rules and regulations, because one of them is you have to maintain a 2:1 ratio of reviews to posts (i.e. you need to review 2 things for every post) Now on to the song...
Before I can even give you any criticism on the content, you really need to clean up the presentation. Basic spelling and grammar rules apply here. That means you don't misspell words like "trouble" or "seeking". Even if they are type-o's, you should definetly have caught them. You also need apostrophes, periods, commas, and other punctuation to really make this correct. Finally (and this is the most annoying thing you can do), NO CHAT SPEAK! Words like "uve" and "u" do not, I repeat, DO NOT belong in any poem, song, or story!!!
Make these basic corrections and then we can get down to business.