For Trily
I spotted you in what seemed like a dream
Every detail exactly as I pictured it to be
The way you played with your knuckles
Your laughter silly, yet subtle
I fell into your deep blue eyes
Like they were the endless, open sky
Your skin was impeccable and pure
I have never felt my heart be so sure
You have a certain way with words
The way I feel about you may seem absurd
You protect my world and stand tall
With you I am not afraid to fall
Your brunette locks always seem untamed
You keep the fire burning in my internal flame
Eye contact with you is all it takes
Nothing about you could be a mistake
I cannot determine why I feel the way I do
It just so happens no one can compare to you
I do not think I can break this affinity
Even if it means waiting an infinity
(btw, there is purposely NO PUNCTUATION besides those two commas for A REASON. If you have punctuation suggestions, please keep them to yourselves! thanks :)
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
The title of the poem is a strong attraction to the readers and an idea creating a poem with your own style is a different idea i had rarely seen such a romantic poem.The poem is just like the character of nelson mandela the character of this poem is wonderful even though there is less beautification i loved the style of writing espically the end was completely different . In whole the poem is completely different because I had only went through few romantic poem
Thank you for the review!
Hello, mollywintz3!
and and that can be much firmer in their language. It's very wishy-washy in those lines. Instead of those, try these: "The way I feel about you is absurd," "Your brunette locks are always untamed," "Nothing about you is a mistake"Ah, a love poem. I have written many love poems. Love poems are classic and can really show that other person that they've made an impact on the writer.
Your love poem is quite cute, but also conveys a fair amount of emotion. The rhyme scheme isn't bad, but does add to the cute factor, and I don't know if cute is what you were going for, but it's cute.
I have several suggestions that would make this poem better.
I like the imagery that you do use, but I want more. I'm a sucker for good imagery. Use more metaphors and similes, like the one you use with the sky. Speaking of that one, I feel like it's a tad cliche. Try finding something else (and NOT the ocean) that describes the color of their eyes.
Your tense switches sometimes. You have some past tense lines and some present tense ones. Try to standardize that. One or the other.
I encourage you to use firmer language. Sometimes you'll say things like
About your note: I totally respect and understand that you put in no punctuation on purpose, but you should probably just let the reviewers review what they want. You can choose what advice you utilize. The way it's worded kind of annoyed me after I had read your poem, as if you would totally reject all advice given on that subject. If you would, I would suggest that you to keep your ears open to all and any advice, as you might find something that you didn't think you would like in that advice.
You do use two commas within your piece, so I'm a little confused about the note, as well.
As for punctuation, I would just suggest that you punctuate it as if it was normal prose. It's kind of one big sentence right now, and I wonder what would happen if you broke it up just a little.
Hope you found this useful! Happy YWSing!
Thanks for the review! I added the note because as of right now I am focusing solely on wording. I didn't want people to worry about punctuation so that they don't have to waste their time writing advice of punctuation that I won't use. I am leaving my punctuation problems to my english teacher. There are reasons why I didn't want people criticizing my punctuation, and I would hope people would respect that. And to be honest, I was looking for a cliche line somewhere in my poem because I wanted it to have a little bit of cheesy-ness to it since it is a love poem. (Yes I do realize that I have 2 commas in there, again because I wanted to leave that to my english teacher and I.) I appreciate the review and I found it helpful! Thanks!
This poem is very deep. You have a way with words. Sometimes when people write rhyming poetry it sounds a bit forced but this flows really nicely. I love the line: "I fell into your deep blue eyes" and the last two lines are a nice ending. It's great!
thank you very much!
Wow, i love this poem! It's so cool, I feel like these are actual song lyrics.
I really thought for a second that here:
"You keep the fire burning in my internal flame"
You meant "eternal flame," like that one 80s song, but then I realized you meant something deeper, and darker, and frankly, more poetic.
PS. I spy a comma!
Yes! Actually there are 2 commas haha! As of right now I am not concerned about my punctuation because I want to focus solely on my wording. However, I do plan to add punctuation later so that is why I have commas in there!
Yeah, lol, I honestly like the no punctuation, it adds a bit of simplicity to the poem!