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Paint me my colours

by micamouth


The battle is over 

So put down your guns

We lose far too often 

Our captors have won

The world stands so silent 

Outside our pinfold 

War does to the earth 

Like fire does to gold

Our days are now numbered 

Our hearts will be weighed 

For every tomorrow 

We gave our today

Paint me my colours 

Of red gold and blue 

Forgotten are the old 

In the times of the new

Paint me my colours 

Of white and slate grey 

For every tomorrow 

We gave our today


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19 Reviews


Points: 628
Reviews: 19

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Wed Oct 07, 2015 3:42 pm



Hi Sagitta! I love, love, love this poem! I love the use of rhyme in this poem and I love the almost hopeless tone in it but it also gives the feeling of still holding onto something.

One thing that I would recommend though is that it doesn't really give me a Historical Fiction vibe. This kind of gives me a fantasy sort of vibe to it. I don't know really but that is just my opinion.

Honestly though this was really super good and I can't wait to read more from you!

-thedumbbrunette




micamouth says...


Thank you!



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Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:33 pm
SinisterPotatoe wrote a review...



I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I'm not good at judging poems, but even I could say that this is a great poem for sure. The way it fit together was very enthralling, and the somber tone of the poem made me feel the same way I felt when I first read In Flanders Field, which is strange because this poem is certainly different from it in many ways. It made me feel the same emotion and made me want to pay my respects for those who have lost their lives in war. It helped me realize that the only reason why our lives are happy is because so many others have sacrificed theirs so we could be happy. Definitely a good poem. I will wait for more.




micamouth says...


Thank you!



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15 Reviews


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Tue Sep 15, 2015 10:01 pm
camillefalgout wrote a review...



I really liked this poem. The topic of war is a good topic (even though war is not good) you gave the reader a good viewpoint of war. I like how you incorporate colors too, and they sound well with the rhyme scheme. And yes, I love the rhyming. The rhyme keeps the poem from becoming too deep. Keep up the good work, I like it!




micamouth says...


Thank you!



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359 Reviews


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Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:30 am
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I haven’t read the other reviews, so this is just my own unbiased opinion on the piece. :P

Firstly, can I just say how much I love poems that rhyme, and how much I enjoyed reading yours. There isn’t very much I can criticise on this because it was so good, but I’ll try my hardest…

I’ve noticed that on YWS, poetry can be a bit annoying with regards to the formatting. So I don’t know if you intended to do this, but there is no clear line separating the stanzas and I feel like there should be one dividing up each group of four. YWS doesn’t seem to like it when you put lines in, so I’d recommend putting a full stop like this:

The battle is over
So put down your guns
We lose far too often
Our captors have won
.
The world stands so silent
Outside our pinfold
War does to the earth
Like fire does to gold
.


And so on and so forth. It’ll just make your poem easier to read. :)

We lose far too often
Our captors have won


I personally feel like you should keep the tenses the same. For example, “We’ve lost far too often / our captors have won” might look better. I’m not actually sure if the third line really fits, but it’s your decision to make.

Other than that, you have some excellent rhyming going on that doesn’t feel forced, and I can really picture the defeat after a battle. Great imagery, and I love the repetition of “paint me my colours”. The last line, “we gave our today” was probably my favourite.

I don’t know if this review was of any help at all, but I really liked reading this and I’d love to see some more of your poems. Keep writing! :D




micamouth says...


Yay, hi steamy! Thanks for the review. That reminds me, I need to review too...



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Mon Sep 07, 2015 7:20 pm
RagingLive wrote a review...



Hia there, Parakeet!! :D
1) WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU WERE SUCH AN AWESOME POET?!?!?!?!? (you vill pay my dearest for keepingk secrets from meh)

Just kidding!! (I think . . .) I really want to tell you how much I love, love, love your poem!! You have such a talent for - poeting, though I'm not quite sure if that's a word. Because it is so perfect, I have just a few, teeny-tiny little nitpicks that I'm sure you will find easy to resolve.

First of all, I'm not sure if you just plain old don't want punctuation, but it might make it easier to read. As it is, the flow is pretty good, so I'm not sure if it will affect the poem either way so this decision is completely up to you. One thing to keep in mind, though, is if you do decide to add punctuation, not every line must be capitalized unless the punctuation used calls for it.

The world stands so silent

Outside our pinfold

War does to the earth

Like fire does to gold

I absolutely loved the comparison using fire and gold. That was a masterful touch, I thought. My point for quoting this sequence, however, is the I feel as though you are missing a syllable in the second sentence. I was wondering if you could add the word 'of' in there like so:
"Outside of our pinfold"
Or if that would in turn make it sound too choppy? Maybe I'm just missing something, I have no idea.

Forgotten are the old

In the times of the new

My favorite part of your very meaningful poem.

May I just say bravo, my friend, bravo for writing a beautiful poem that holds a lot of truth and makes you feel something deep down inside of you. If you ever leave YWS I will be forced to do something drastic because I'm not sure if I can live without seeing more of your future work!!
*Hits the 'Like button*
I would follow you but I already am - WHY DID I NOT SEE THAT YOU HAD POSTED THIS?!?!?

Anyway, keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




micamouth says...


YOU SNEAKY BISCUIT, why didn't I see you sneak in? Aha, glad you enjoyed it! If you like I can alert you when I post things, I'll probably post more of FF tomorrow.



micamouth says...


YOU SNEAKY BISCUIT, why didn't I see you sneak in? Aha, glad you enjoyed it! If you like I can alert you when I post things, I'll probably post more of FF tomorrow.



micamouth says...


YOU SNEAKY BISCUIT, why didn't I see you sneak in? Aha, glad you enjoyed it! If you like I can alert you when I post things, I'll probably post more of FF tomorrow.



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132 Reviews


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Sun Sep 06, 2015 8:15 pm
racket wrote a review...



Hello! racket here to review your poem! Okay, well, I really enjoyed this! It's very well done and the imagery is inspiring. Good job!
I have about three things to suggest to you, okay?
The first is your lack of punctuation. A few commas spread strategically, a period at the end of a few thoughts, etc. Punctuation would make it muck easier for the thoughts to be recognizable as different ideas from each other. I think that made sense... XD This also kind of blends with my second suggestion, which would be the separating of the lines into stanzas. Your poem seems to go in twos, so if you had a bunch of little two-line stanzas, the thoughts would be easier to make out, which then makes it easier for the reader to understand. Sooo... here's an example...

The battle is over,
So put down your guns.

We lose far too often,
Our captors have won.

The world stands so silent,
Outside our pinfold.

War does to earth,
As fire does to gold.

etc., etc.
Now, I admit this makes the poem a little choppy, so larger stanzas would work as well, but I do believe the stanzas are necessary in such an emotional, deep poem as this one (you did really well with that, by the way. I admire your skills in the emotional department. ;))
One little suggestion on the last line of the little two-line stanza I quoted; I think it would flow a bit better if you took out the 'to'. It's just a bit rocky with it there.
Okay! Last suggestion!
So, the title is 'Paint Me My Colours', which you repeat twice towards the end of the poem. I feel that, as you start to repeat that phrase and 'For every tomorrow/We gave our today' that these should be put somewhere in the beginning, as they just start repeating a bit randomly in the middle and end. Just a thought!
Well, really, really good job here. It's a great poem, and I really enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Thanks for posting it! I can't wait to read more of your stuff. Keep up the good work!
~racket




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Sun Sep 06, 2015 5:02 pm
sagnik wrote a review...



This poemis good but gives a blur conception about the poem.the first four lined has a good rythmwhich ilike then i feel you have usef the mediim of colors to depicy the postwar.but colorsv r joy may bevfor that concept remains blur.however someparts like where u usedgrey wnd white isgood and i can understand.at the begining as gold turns infire as war to mankindkeepwriting.




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Sun Sep 06, 2015 11:07 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm going to start by giving some line by line comments as I read through and then try to sum up my thoughts at the end:

Specifics

1. There's a good rhythm in your first four lines and the rhymes are pretty smooth. The third line doesn't have a lot of content though and it kind of spoils the fourth line because the reader knows what's coming. Maybe you could have something like:

The battle is over
so put down your guns
raise your hands in the air
our captors have won

This might create some initial confusion but it would also make the fourth line hit harder and add to the ambiguity of the first two.

2. The sound of 'won' and 'world' so close together is a little jarring. Maybe replace world with 'earth'? Or you could have 'The country stands silent' or 'the kingdom stands silent' which may also add some context if you want this to be a medieval/ English battle. If you want it to be American, you could use states etc.

3. I'm not sure that 'like fire does to gold' works because you need a crazy amount of fire to destroy or even really damage gold. One of the only things which can survive a house fire is gold wedding rings, which I always thought was a little bit sad but also a bit beautiful. I think you need something more easily destroyed here though.

Overall

The rest of the poem is very nice and has a great flow. I think you're losing a little bit of imagery with such a tight syllable and rhyme structure but it has a nice sound to it so maybe that makes up for it somewhat. Personally I'd like to know more about the colours and what they represent and to see all of the lines be a little bit longer and carry a little bit more meaning. I feel like there's a lot going on in this poem which I don't have enough information to understand, for instance the red gold and blue could be a particular uniform or maybe a nation's flag. I don't know enough to be able to say and a quick google search reveals nothing so I'm missing the context of your poem.

Good work on the rhythm and I like the title but maybe think about making it more accessible to your readers.

All the best,

~Heather




micamouth says...


Blech, this was an impulse thing. I didn't even reread. Thanks for the feedback! I'll get to editing this.




Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau