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The Hero's Brother (39.2)

by mellifera

Don’t look under the cot,” Gideon told Carter when they had been thrust into their cells. He had given Gideon a questioning look through the cell bars that divided them, and Gideon had looked at him pointedly.

I hadn’t, um. Planned on doing that,” Carter said. He wished Gideon hadn’t said that- what was under the cot?

Isha was on the other side of Gideon’s cell. Carter couldn’t see her well, but the knife had been removed by one of the guards and replaced with a mostly-clean handkerchief. She claimed, loudly, that she was all right, but Carter could help the web of worry spun in his chest, clogging it up.

The more time that passed, the worse Carter was beginning to feel again. It felt less like a fever now, and more as if he’d swallowed spikes. More like papercuts covering him entirely, making no position he sat in comfortable. But he grew dizzy when he tried to stand, so he couldn’t mitigate the pain to only his feet.

He was trying to shift when he heard the footsteps. Glancing over at Gideon was instinct by now, and Gideon had tensed, looking down the corridor.

I do believe I’ve never had visitors to our lovely Capital who had been even close to as troublesome as your… company.” Carter turned on his hip to see-

There was no mistaking the petite woman for anyone but the Comtesse. Her hair was several shades darker, more a silver-brown than silver-blonde, than he’d imagined. She was tiny, much shorter even than Gideon. He dark skin glistened in the low torch light, and she smiled, shoulders straightened as she paused in front of Gideon’s cell.

When she got no response, she turned her clear gaze towards Carter. He shrunk back- if there was a way to reverse Winnie’s energy, to make it noxious, that was the way the Comtesse made him feel.

And behind her, he noticed Finn. There was a bruise on his forehead, which should have been concealed by his hat. He wasn’t wearing his hat. He was wearing that strange black leather armour. Without his hat, in the low light, and as pale as he was, the red glow that seemed to seep from his eyes stood out. Finn didn’t look at them, but merely gazed blankly at the wall. Carter’s chest grew heavier.

You must be Carter,” the Comtesse said, chin dipped forward slightly as if to study him. “Gideon’s-” she glanced in Gideon’s direction and her smile curled unevenly, “friend.”

Carter twisted to exchange a glance with Gideon. What was the supposed to mean? Had Finn said that? Or Gideon?

Before he could even try to respond – which wasn’t probable anyway, his mouth and throat were so dry it hurt – the Comtesse was turning away towards Isha. “And you,” she said, tilting her head, “I hear you’re the equivalent of a princess. To the Dragon’s Associates. You aren’t really Gideon’s sister, are you?”

He imagined Isha would smile wryly at that, but he wasn’t close enough to see. “Feels good to think you’re more important than other people, doesn’t it?” Isha asked. Her tone was as dry as his throat. “Why Finn?”

The Comtesse glanced at Finn beside her, as if she’d forgotten he was there. She seemed to consider that offer, but Carter couldn’t help but wonder if she was just pausing for dramatic effect. “He disobeyed a command from my father some time ago,” she said slowly. “Now he will take it from me, and this time, he will listen.” She reached up to run her fingers through Finn’s hair and Carter felt unsettled just watching.

The father you killed, and stuck up in your tower as one of your little risen pets?” Gideon asked, a bite in his tone.

There was a moment, when Aelina’s gaze snapped over to Gideon, where Carter could see the widening of her eyes. The surprise in the way her mouth parted, her smile wobbled. And then it was gone, and she smiled even wider. Her eyes glittered.

My sister really is here,” she said, “or, she was. Half-sister, not even enough to call a sister, really-”


The Comtesse’s mouth was still open in a half-formed word as she turned. Her brows twitched to stare at Carter, and then tilted her head again. “Beg your pardon?”

Not sister,” Carter said. He folded his arms over his chest and curled into himself. “Sibling. Half-sibling. You can, um. You can be a bad sister, but you won’t- you won’t box them up into what you’ve been taught to think.”

Her smile faded slightly, but her eyes were still crinkled. It looked fake, as the Comtesse stepped towards him and her robe swirled around her feet.

You like to think you’re different, don’t you? Think you’re a hero? Probably in the appetite.” Her eyes flickered briefly over to Gideon, who had stood up and was glowering at the Comtesse. “You’re one of those special ones, aren’t you? Who would rather cast aside morality and honour to taste the forbidden heart of sins?”

Leave him alone,” Gideon growled. “You’re marrying into a coterie. You should know what not to bat your eyelashes at.”

Carter let out a long, quiet breath as the Comtesse took a step away from him. His hands were shaking, and he shoved them into the space between his stomach and legs.

Your atrocities aren’t allowed in the Highlanders. I’m sure they do things differently in the muddied blood of yours. What’s unholiness when you’re already rolling in the mud, stuffed with khat and opium and all your other sweets?” The Comtesse looked less pleased now and more predatory. Carter noticed the way Gideon’s jaw tightened and he dropped his gaze.

But slow death of a poisoned blade is holy?” Isha asked. “The Highlanders think they’re so pure- you wouldn’t last a day with them. Not with that pretty dress and your soft skin.”

The Comtesse glanced between all three of them. She laced her hands together over her abdomen, chin tilted up as if she could look down upon them if she tilted it back far enough. “You’re the ones in cells.” She smiled, almost predatory, at Gideon. “I had considered sending you with Finn after your magic girl and my half-sister. Jacques told me of the foreign boy who could kill a raven at night, but I think I’ll let you stay.” She turned away from them. “Could really use some of that wine now, couldn’t you? Except you have nothing to bargain with, unlike your little traitor here. Enjoy your freedom from their plague, Gideon, you’ll be joining the rest of the cities’ poor victims soon enough.” She glanced over her shoulder. “But you’re the type who’d want to die first, wouldn’t you? I suspect it will be your lovely golden sister instead.”

Finn turned with her as she swept back off down the hall. He moved stiffly, as if he’d forgotten how his muscles worked.

Carter turned to exchange a glance with Gideon, only to find him with a frown over his features. His fists were clenched, and he worked at his jaw, but the frown- that was thoughtful.

Several minutes passed after the distant clamour of the gate opening and shutting. Gideon let out a breath, and finally met Carter’s gaze. He raised his eyebrows. “She thinks it’s a plague,” he said, bitterly.

The pit of Carter’s stomach opened up, and he wished he could reach over to try to smooth out the harsh lines of Gideon’s face. But he couldn’t, he was helpless.

And he was dying. He just prayed that Shiloh and Whisper would not.

word count: 1,281

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1254 Reviews

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Reviews: 1254

Sun Sep 15, 2019 6:55 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...

Is Carter in Gideon's previous cell? That's kind of a hilarious thought. I can't recall if Gideon knew of something under the cot, though, to warn Carter not to look. I WISH I KNEW. It sounds hilarious or clever and I wish I was in on this joke. XD

Generally, I felt that there wasn't much productive conversation here. There was a lot of back and forth, and I'm not so sure if Aelina cares enough about these three to even pay them a visit. Maybe amused? The one person I'd think she WOULD have interest in is Isha since her parents are behind one of the coteries in question, but Aelina hardly gives her attention. She did kind of taunt them a little here and there, and I guess she did confirm her engagement to the Highlanders as well as acknowledge what she believes is a plague, but none of this is particularly groundbreaking -- at least, it doesn't build up to that kind of groundbreaking realization.

In fact, I wonder why the Comtesse doesn't really consider killing them on the sight, or at least some of them (like Carter, maybe Gideon). Perhaps she still values human life, but there must be something going on. This Undying thing seemed to make her twitch when it was brought up, so she CLEARLY isn't telling them something.

Actually, I think I'm generally confused as to what Gideon, Isha, and Comtesse were all talking about at the end. It sounds like Isha and Gideon were referring to the assassination attempt, how the coteries are simply using her, but the Comtesse... I don't know if she really said anything to counter (perhaps on purpose). This just goes back to me wondering if this conversation really got anyone anywhere.

I like how she treats Finn here. It's so creepy, it's so powerful, and I WANT FINN BACK NOW. Also very good that Isha asks what the reader still wonders, which is why she delights in using Finn. Aelina DOES somewhat answer by explaining why Gideon WOULDN'T be of interest, but it's still generally peculiar since Aelina can apparently just possess them (MUCH LIKE WHISPER O: ).

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32 Reviews

Points: 86
Reviews: 32

Sun Aug 25, 2019 11:34 pm
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Miraculor77 wrote a review...


I really liked this piece, and the last chapter I read from this series was, I think, 41.2. I guess I'll put this on my To Read list so I can check it out fully later. :D

Now for the review:

She claimed, loudly, that she was all right, but Carter could help the web of worry spun in his chest, clogging it up.

I feel that the word "could" should be replaced with "couldn't."

The more time that passed, the worse Carter was beginning to feel again.

I think that the word "again" is unnecessary.

But he grew dizzy when he tried to stand, so he couldn’t mitigate the pain to only his feet.

Does the pain in his feet directly affect the dizziness? The word "so" shows the cause and effect relationship, which (as far as I know) is not the case here. Using the word "and" instead would be better.

“I do believe I’ve never had visitors to our lovely Capital who had been even close to as troublesome as your… company.” Carter turned on his hip to see-

Here, you should add something to help make the addition of a new character better. If I'm reading this right, the Comtesse is a woman who is the main antagonist here? Sorry if I'm wrong, I haven't read your chapters much. If you write something in after the dialogue, you should make it connect to the dialogue more. For example, you can describe her voice: "...troublesome as your... company." A cold voice rang out from the hall. or something like that.

There was no mistaking the petite woman for anyone but the Comtesse. Her hair was several shades darker, more a silver-brown than silver-blonde, than he’d imagined.

I think the bolded word should be replaced with "as" or "like."

I think that's it for now!
As always, keep writing.
- Mira

PS: Happy Review Day! :D

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444 Reviews

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Reviews: 444

Fri Aug 16, 2019 5:54 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...

And I'm caught up. What a journey!

1. So I know we often tell ourselves not to use weird dialogue tags, or use them too often, but I feel like your dialogue would benefit from having more tags. I love that there's always action in the middle of longer bits of speech, but when that action isn't obviously connected to the words the character speaks, it becomes difficult to parse together the scene. In moments where the action isn't part and parcel of the words in the dialogue, it really does help to have a tag to act as bridge between the things that are said and the things that are done.

2. Also, I feel like I don't see enough physical indication that any of the characters are sick. I know they are. You mention it in passing often, which is good. But I don't see it. It doesn't pop up in the way Carter breathes, for instance. Does he get short of breath more quickly when they're running from enemies? In what ways does he look exhausted? The same goes for Isha. Is she obviously fighting her own body's weakness? Does she shake with tiredness? You do a good job bringing the illness up and keeping it in our minds, but I need to see it to really understand its impact on the party.

3. >:-o The Comtesse is so mean! I kind of wish you'd done a little more with the actions and vocal tone that accompany her dialogue, but the words themselves are plenty nasty too. She's so rude! Definitely a villain I enjoy hating.

And that's a wrap! Please tag me when you post again? I love the world that you've put together and the magical plot you have so far, and I'd be excited to see it to its end.

Great job!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss