(A/N: This was written a long time ago, I haven't really reread it and there are probably typos. Sorry lol)
There once was a small girl, her name was Crespin. She wasn’t really anyone of special importance. She lived in a small cottage in Europe. It was the time of dragons, of the middle ages, of the plagues. Crespin lived in the small cottage with her mother, father, and brothers and sisters. They lived right on the bottom of the mountain in a small little town, but instead of it being quiet and still. It was full of the running of people and screaming in panic.
For you see, a dragon was coming. It had started well in the south side of the land, but came nearer and nearer to their little village in the north. So it would soon be upon them. They had gotten news that he was heading there early last week. So they packed their belongings and if not all then most of the families went out. Crespin's was the last family to leave.
They had started ascending the mountain. But somewhere along the way, Cres had gotten lost. She hadn’t meant to, but she got caught picking flowers and they had soon gone ahead of her. She started walking down the path they were on, but then came a divide. She didn’t know which to choose, so she randomly chose the left one. Well as she kept walking, she made it to a valley. The valley looked peaceful enough, running streams, flowers and animals.
But then ….something was blocking the sun. A shadow had overpassed the valley. Crespin looked up, something was high up in the sky. It started getting closer and closer, her eyes widened in fear and she froze. It started getting closer and closer, all she could see was a huge black figure...but then she saw wings. Huge scaly wings getting closer and closer, wind rushed around her as it landed. As it did, a vile horror of realization rose up inside her. She realized what was going on. It was a dragon...It was the dragon attacking the villages.
But it also wasn't black or hideous. It was the deepest blue, a midnight blue like the night sky. It looked beautiful, wonderful. The dragon turned around, towards her. It’s big, beady, black eyes. They didn’t look angry or mad, they looked peaceful, kind. With a soft and alluring voice, it said “Do not be afraid child. I am not here to hurt you, I am not here to hurt anyone. It was not me who attacked those villages. It was an evil sorcerer. You must attack him, you must help me.” Cres nodded at the dragon. “We shall go together. “ She bent her head down, motioning for her to get on her back.
Cres stared and in a small voice said, “I don’t mean to be rude...but what is your name?” She asked. The dragon chuckled, as she did, the ground shook and rumbled. “My name dear child, is Andromeda. I am your dragon. Very few have bonded with a dragon these days. But you and I shall. we have many things to do. Now come, we must make haste.” And so Crespin climbed onto Andromeda and they flew off.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi mcleo1, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.
Quick note: If you do decide to make a part to with this story please tell me, because I really like dragon stories.
Story: This story definitely has high potential, but it does feel a bit rushed and bony if you get my meaning. Right now it feels quite average and needs more substance in the form of more information. You could include how would Crespin bond with the dragon, I mean she hasn't even seen him before. It just needs to be fleshed out a bit in all areas.
Characters: There are only really two characters Andromeda and Crespin. I feel like they are a bit flat and there isn't really much to them. Once again this is due to a lack of information. I would like to know how Crespin feels when she realizes she is lost. Is she scared or is she to young to know that? Due to the story being a bit rushed her decisions seem a bit rash and don't do much for her character. When she finds out about the dragon just by saying (she looked at the ground for a moment letting this new information roll around in her head) would make it feel more real. The dialogue is fairly good, but could use some work here and there.
Description: Adding in a bit more description would help make the time pass a bit slower and would help with the mood of the story. You could describe what the place around her looks like when she gets lost. You could make it misty so to give a spooking, lonely feeling. Just by adding in a bit more description would help flesh the story out a bit.
Small mistakes: (Crespin lived in the small cottage with her mother, father, and brothers and sisters.) Since you already said that she lives in a cottage I think it would be better if you just wrote (Crespin lived with her mother, father, and brothers and sisters.)
Overall this story has great potential, but needs some work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hi there mcleo1!
The title of this story is great! It definitely drew me in when I was looking for something review. I also like your idea. High dragon fantasy is not something we come across as much anymore, especially after the raging success of Christopher Paolini's Eragon etc. Of course, you're going to want to work on fleshing out your idea more so that it stands apart from Eragon but that will come with time and cleaning up some your story's more frayed edges.
I think the biggest thing here is that your story feels a little rushed. I think this is mostly due to the fact that everything is much more expository, much more tell-y, rather than showy. I get the feeling that you're wanting to fast forward to what might be considered the more exciting parts, like when Crespin meets Andromeda, but you also need to give the reader time to feel excited with Crespin. In order to do that, you should create some build-up. For example, perhaps a scene or two before Crespin and her family leave their village. Perhaps the day they receive news about the dragon's imminent arrival? That way, the reader will be able to better tap into how Crespin thinks, feels, and acts around her family, about her family, and about the bad news. She doesn't seem particularly anxious about it anyway if she is stopping to admire flowers when they're leaving. Why is this? Because you have seemed to rush through important parts of the story that assist in characterization and plot development, a lot of what is written seems to be without reason or a little flighty. Right now, the story does not flow very well and this is probably because your ideas are kind of clunky, mashed all together. Take your time to nurture your story and its important aspects, particularly Crespin's character and her world.
Also, in fantasy, it can sometimes be difficult to craft your story while setting it in an already existing place, unless the setting is more isolated. For example, in Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling sets the story in the United Kingdom, but isolates the magic to more magical, "unknown" places that are hidden. Do you intend to create more isolated, fantastical locales for your story or are you setting this within a very realistic medieval Europe or are you wanting to craft your very own world from scratch? This is currently unclear, although I think that you would have much more success if the story were to come from your own imagination, be it a totally new universe or something based off something existent (like was Rowling did for the Harry Potter series).
I have a few nitpicks:
This is a comma splice. A comma splice is when two independent clauses (sentences) are incorrectly joined by a comma. Instead, you should be joining them together with a semi-colon or simply making two sentences (with a period). If you're still a little confused about comma splices, [url]here is an informative article[/url].
This is a bizarre sentence because Europe is a VERY big place and very culturally diverse, even during the middle ages (if not more so then). Where in Europe? What is now England? Or perhaps in France? Spain? the more Germanic countries? Russia? Every country/region is unique and distinct so to set your story in the umbrella continent of Europe is just far too vague. Again, regarding setting, if you don't want to specify a country within Europe because you don't want to be tied down by historical accuracy, consider creating your own world. That way, you have much more creative freedom.
These two sentences should actually be joined.
I don't understand this sentence for a few reasons. First, it doesn't make sense. Literally, the sentence is: "It is big, beady, black eyes." <- That doesn't make sense. Second, it sticks out too awkwardly. It should be worked into the preceding sentence. Consider: "The dragon turn its big beady, black eyes towards her." Third, "beady" (especially coupled with "black") implies something that is not to be trusted and something that is ominous or unkind and yet you immediately after describe Andromeda's eyes as peaceful and kind. If you're not wanting to confuse the reader, you might want to alter your description a bit.
I feel like this is so rushed, especially since this dragon bonding thing appears to be something important and crucial to your story. Why rush it? Also, how is Crespin so immediately trusting of the dragon? I don't understand how the dragon is not burning the village when a paragraph earlier she was and yet it's a sorcerer? Is Andromeda implying that she is bewitched? I think it's okay to not be always exact, but there should be more clarity or else things could be interpreted as being inconsistent to the plot. Furthermore, the dialogue is particularly stilted and formal, and yet so informal considering Cres is facing a potentially killer dragon.
Overall, I think your idea is wonderful and has tons of potential. There are things that need to be tidied up, of course, but in time and with revision, I am sure you will have a creative story in your hands.
Best,
Lav