z

Young Writers Society


12+

Axylia — Kadence (2)

by maisewriting


Previous Chapter Summary: Kadence is a priestess in the Temple in Kelir. Cassandra is Kadence's superior. There have been rumours of a girl escaping the heavily fortified walls of the city. 

Kadence burst through the door, clutching the book still.

“Gods, Kadence, you’ll stop my heart,” her father exclaimed, brushing crumbs off his shirt from where he had dropped them as he jumped.

“Sorry, Papa,” Kadence said. She dropped the book on the table and headed for the kitchen. “Tea?”

“Please,” her father said. “I’m afraid there was bad business today. We have only bread.”

“Don’t worry,” Kadence said, retrieving the bread. She laid it out on the table, and checked to see if the water was boiling. She poured it into the two least-chipped cups, and added the leaves.

“Let them soak,” she said, setting one down in front of her father.

Her father toasted her, and took a great sip. “Haven’t the time for soaking.”

Kadence chuckled. She reached for a piece of bread, watching as her father deliberately looked away. “Papa,” she said firmly. She pushed the plate to him. “Eat.”

“I don’t want to take any away from you.”

Kadence frowned. “What happened?”

“King Nikolai favours the blacksmith across the square. It’s not good for me or my shop. They think I upset the King.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. It’s all very strange,” her father said. “That smith — he’s only a boy. Shop’s only been open a few months. Hardly any business. We all thought they were about to close. And the good King’s —”

“Don’t,” Kadence said. “You don’t have to pretend here.”

Her father sighed. “All right. We thought the boy would close down, and the King has always come to me. You would think he would keep coming, I don’t believe I’ve offended him. And nobody seems to know anything about this order. All I know is that there was a lot of gold.”

“A gag,” Kadence said.

“Kadence,” her father warned.

“All I’m saying is that it’s suspicious.”

Strange, not suspicious. The King has always kept his secrets to himself.”

Kadence raised her eyebrows. “Did you hear about the girl who escaped? Do you think maybe —”

“I did hear,” he father said. His voice had turned stern. “It’s a fairytale, Kadence. Don’t waste your time on it.”

“You didn’t see how the guards reacted,” Kadence sniffed. “I don’t trust the King.”

“No one trusts the nobility,” her father said carefully. “They lie. That’s how they find their fortune.” He looked at her. “Don’t try to change it. You’ll end up without a head.”

“I’ll try anyway,” Kadence replied.

Her father looked to the door worriedly.

“D’you think someone could get into the castle?” Kadence continued. “Hypothetically, of course. And what could the bring in? Do the guards even —”

“Kadence, please!” her father snapped. “Enough of this talk!” He muttered to himself, words like preposterous and dangerous and you’ll get yourself killed.

Kadence sighed and resigned herself to the stale bread, although her appetite had been chased out of her mind. Her gaze traced its way through the dusty kitchen and out the window. There, the wall loomed high, blocking out the mountains. She couldn’t imagine life without it. It had always been a steady protector in her life — now, it felt like it was suffocating her.

Kadence spent the rest of the afternoon in silence poring over the book. The words began to blur together, the pages blending into each other. Finally, after what seemed like an age, the sun started to dip below the wall and the sky darkened.

Kadence stood. “I’m going to bed,” she said, pretending like it wasn’t far too early to sleep. Her father waved her off and she headed to her room.

Kadence slept in the next morning. She hurriedly threw on her robes and ran out the door, before running back in to retrieve the book. She sprinted through the streets of Kelir, dodging random chickens that were to be sold and little children running amok.

“You’re late,” Cassandra snapped as Kadence leapt up the stairs of the temple.

“Sorry,” Kadence said. She didn’t miss the way Cassandra’s lips were pressed thin, and the sharp crease between her eyebrows. “What’s wrong?”

“King Nikolai is visiting this morning,” Cassandra said. “I don’t want you to ruin anything.”

“I promise I won’t,” Kadence said truthfully. If she really cared, she could do things properly.

“Good,” Cassandra said. “Because you’re attending to the ceremony.”

Kadence groaned internally. “Must I?” she asked. “I’m afraid I’m awfully tired —”

“The fourteenth commandment?” Cassandra cut in.

“Do not lie,” Kadence recited dutifully. “All right, I’m not tired. I have no excuse. I’ll do it.”

“And do it well,” Cassandra said. “You have before.” She paused. “They were present at your last ceremony.”

“That was last summer,” Kadence said.

“Nothing has changed,” Cassandra replied, but her voice wavered slightly.

“Not for the King,” Kadence said. She quickly composed herself, brushing her hair out of her eyes. “I’m going to get ready.”

Kadence felt Cassandra’s eyes on her back as she weaved her way through the other priestesses and into the temple. She shivered. She wasn’t ready to put on the show again, not so soon…

There was a sudden silence that spread throughout the temple. Kadence didn’t bother turning to see what caused it. She knew what it was. Even from here, she could make out the King’s voice as he talked to Cassandra.

Kadence took the candles and the cloth and forced her legs to walk back towards the front. The King had not visited for months, not since that awful winter. She took a breath, steeling herself, and then began to place the candles into the specific pattern, using the breadth of her hand to measure. The King’s guard had lined up against the wall, watching the priestesses with unpleasant expressions. Kadence did her best to ignore them, to block out the little murmurs they passed between themselves. There was no reason to fear them, she reminded herself. They could do no harm here, and they probably weren’t involved, anyway. Kadence knew the faces of the men who had committed the acts, but still…

She shook herself out of her thoughts. She was safe here, and there was nothing that could harm her beside her own damn self if she wasn’t careful with these bloody candles. She focused on the first thing she heard, which wasn’t much better to her previous thoughts.

“I am terribly sorry for winter. I’ve had them all punished,” the King was saying.

Punished. Disciplined. But not executed. The King would never execute any of his own, not even the worst kinds of criminals.

“We thank you for your justice,” Cassandra said. Only Kadence caught the bitterness that came with it.

“It was an awful thing. I’d never have expected it from them,” the King continued, as if he was merely discussing the weather. “Your loss was not too great, I hope?”

“We only lost one,” Cassandra replied, her voice tight. “A great tragedy, but the Temple has seen worse.”

Only one. But the other girls involved still hadn’t returned to the temple. Kadence had seen one begging in the streets. The girl had rather starve than come back.

The King smiled, as if he was satisfied. One person was nothing to him, Kadence supposed. “Right, then,” he said. “Shall we begin?”

Cassandra looked pointedly at Kadence, who hurried to finish lighting the candles and pretended she didn’t see the older woman wipe at her eyes. The King watched Kadence carefully, like a predator might look at prey. Kadence ignored the way the hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

Axylia e mozhin atheta, te wendisq nei zekri esh lejnet,” Kadence said, her eyes closing and lips forming the harsh sounds of the Old Language. An ancient prayer for Axylia, for peace and justice. “E lejn us besqet.” She stepped back, palms raised to the sky. “Lisq eh besqet.

Kadence stepped back and allowed the King to kneel at the altar. He murmured the words of the prayer, but his eyes were open. He might as well have shouted I’m better at the gods. Kadence felt loathing rise up in her, for this man, for everything he stood for. For his regime of terror, and his knights clad in black.

The King turned his head slightly, and Kadence quickly rearranged her scowl into an expression of serenity. The King’s eyes narrowed, and her stomach lurched unpleasantly. But then the King stood up, and he crossed the floor back to Cassandra.

“Thank you for this service, High Priestess,” the King said. “I will visit again soon.”

As he and the guards left, the whole temple seemed to exhale in relief. Kadence watched the guards push their way through the crowd.

“Don’t make me do that again,” she said quietly to Cassandra.

“You have my word,” Cassandra said, her eyes following the men.

Note: The prayer Kadence says translates to "Axylia the Queen of Gods, we pray for peace and justice. Grant us this prayer. We give our thanks." It's pretty pathetic at the moment but I'm still working on vocabulary for the Old Language :)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
373 Reviews


Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Donate
Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:42 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello maise, Knight Ink is going to pull the work out of the Green Room. Sorry for not doing this sooner! I really really love the fact that you included a summary. It's easier to understand what's going on now.

I also thought that the characters were pretty round, and I'm so glad there was no infodumps! I really loved the way you portrayed the religion, too. The fact that the priestesses had to make sure not to offend the king was really realistic in my opinion since he's tyrannical, and the prayer was a nice touch! I haven't seen other phrases, so unfortunately I can't offer feedback about the Old Language; but I hope that I'll see more of it later! :D I also think you improved in portraying emotions. Nice job, overall!

One thing I want to point out is: talking heads. Yes. I've noticed you use "said" quite frequently and while it's better than using "asserted", "uttered", and the other attention-drawing tags, it gets quite monotonous doesn't it? I would prefer it if there were some action beats instead. Action beats is what a character does as they speak. Like:

“Don’t make me do that again,” she said quietly to Cassandra.


could be

“Don’t make me do that again." She whipped around to face Cassandra, her hands trembling.


(The trembling and "whipped" part is an improvisation on my part and I'll use it for the sake of an example.) I think a few "said"s can be replaced by such tags so the character can be shown their emotions as well. So Kadence really hates the King, and perhaps you can show her feelings through her actions. The "whipped" part is like she's releasing her restraint and just turning on the head priestess? And "trembling" could mean she's both scared and furious. My explanation isn't too well thought, so perhaps you could also check out: here

And I agree with Blue that the scene with her father could be slightly slowed down. I do like Blue's suggestions of the thoughts. Perhaps Kadence could race some theories in her mind during some possible moments when neither of them spoke?

I think that's all I've got to say. This is a really fantastic story you have here, and I'm excited to read more of it!

Image




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Sun Apr 16, 2017 9:08 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



Iiiiiiiiiiiii don't think the prayer's translation is pathetic. I mean, it sounds like a prayer. They can be all flowery and poetic (or really long), but a lot of them are basic like that, so...you know.

Anyway, I appreciate you including a quick summary! I was able to follow along pretty well, even though I don't think I've read any of this before. The contrast between Kadence's father lamenting suddenly not having the king's business and Kadence's loathing of the king during her ceremony were really interesting. Like I know her dad needs money and the king patronizing your business is bound to bring in other customers, but...listening to her thoughts in the scene at the temple, I was like, "Man, I'd be glad not to have his business anymore." It's also interesting the way the kind never executes anyone, even the worst criminals, but then one person killed by someone he didn't execute, in some horrific event, doesn't bother him. (Or at least Kadence doesn't imagine it does.)

Like not using the death penalty seems to point to a certain amount of mercy and a forgiving nature or whatever, but then the things Kadence thinks during the ceremony point to a much darker personality. So I loved that.

Overall, this was a pretty solid read for me. It captured my attention, the characterization was consistent, and the world-building was good. I especially like the attention to religion, which I feel like is usually kind of a throw-away thing that fantasy authors don't think a whole lot about. Although I also realize that's a major plot point in your case, so you're bound to give it more attention.

The only thing for me was the scene between Kadence and her father. The dialogue was natural and realistic, I thought, but it got kind of rapid-fire there.

Her father sighed. “All right. We thought the boy would close down, and the King has always come to me. You would think he would keep coming, I don’t believe I’ve offended him. And nobody seems to know anything about this order. All I know is that there was a lot of gold.”

“A gag,” Kadence said.

“Kadence,” her father warned.

“All I’m saying is that it’s suspicious.”

“Strange, not suspicious. The King has always kept his secrets to himself.”

Kadence raised her eyebrows. “Did you hear about the girl who escaped? Do you think maybe —”

“I did hear,” he father said. His voice had turned stern. “It’s a fairytale, Kadence. Don’t waste your time on it.”

“You didn’t see how the guards reacted,” Kadence sniffed. “I don’t trust the King.”

“No one trusts the nobility,” her father said carefully. “They lie. That’s how they find their fortune.” He looked at her. “Don’t try to change it. You’ll end up without a head.”

“I’ll try anyway,” Kadence replied.

Her father looked to the door worriedly.

“D’you think someone could get into the castle?” Kadence continued. “Hypothetically, of course. And what could the bring in? Do the guards even —”

“Kadence, please!” her father snapped. “Enough of this talk!” He muttered to himself, words like preposterous and dangerous and you’ll get yourself killed.


It needs just a little slowing down so it doesn't get so breathless. You can just add in either more of Kadence's thoughts - which would then make this scene match the second scene better - or include more of what the characters are doing during their conversation. Or both. You don't need much, just a few lines here and there so it slows down a bit.




User avatar
35 Reviews


Points: 194
Reviews: 35

Donate
Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:11 pm
SilloriaD says...



I want to read this later, but it caught me because that character name is one letter away from my actual name! :D Mine starts with a C ("Cadence") like the word in the English language. Anywho, I will read this asap! :-)




User avatar
116 Reviews


Points: 5240
Reviews: 116

Donate
Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:08 am
RoseTulipLily says...



Greetings! Let's get right into the review!

Criticism:

“I did hear,” he father said. His voice had turned stern. “It’s a fairytale, Kadence. Don’t waste your time on it.” For this one, it is supposed to be "her father" or since we already know her father is the one speaking here, you could simply erase the "her father said" part and just say "His voice has turned stern." Your choice.

“D’you think someone could get into the castle?” Kadence continued. “Hypothetically, of course. And what could *they* bring in? Do the guards even —” is the correct way to say this.

That's all the criticism I have to offer. The interactions between Kadence and her father felt realistic enough with him expressing understandable and genuine concern for his daughter as she talks about doing dangerous things. The king is certainly an interesting fellow. Looking forward to seeing what's he's really like.

Keep writing ;)





We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare