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havens

by luminescence, QueenShadowGem


if you're interested ~ https://voca.ro/1h2kn2dnv2Jm (Gem sang)

Havens

i have one safe haven here

it's calming and secluded

in one small corner of the room

but the one light there burnt out

so i had to find another place

my new-found home isn't as safe.

instead i look inside myself

but i can't find anything worthwhileĀ 

i find some empty space to add to

empty space is worse than darkness

so i fill it with candles that smell of hope

hopefully they will guide me home

and i lift a candle- and i let it float

i wish that it wont burn itself out

im not there to hold it but it knows the way

and it illuminates a shade of crimson

along the way, can i please find where i lost myself


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36 Reviews


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Reviews: 36

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Sun Jan 31, 2021 7:03 pm
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quitecontrary wrote a review...



Hello and Happy Review Day to both of you!

I really liked the optimistic turn in the poem(what can I say I'm a sucker for happy endings ;)) and you guys did a superb job with imagery!
The first half of the poem is quiet and reflective; the two voices meld well together, and I love how one is more narrative focused so the story has a definite flow and plot structure. One thing I wish you did more of was add meter: I catch glimpses of rhythm in the poem, and listening to it made it even more clear.

and i lift a candle- and i let it float


Also there is a bit of rhyming going on: "place" and "safe", "hope" and "float". I think if you did a bit more rhyming it would keep the style and flow consistent.

There's a couple of lines that popped out to me:
empty space is worse than darkness

and it illuminates a shade of crimson

These lines are very beautiful and add a lot of imagery to the poem, but especially for the second they didn't fit the flow of the poem. The second one adds a new element in the second to last stanza("crimson"), but it's never explained. I thought it might signify blood, but especially when the poem is coming to an optimistic conclusion it seemed a little out of place.

Overall I loved this poem and thought it was written very beautifully! This worked really well as a collab work, so great job to both of you!




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Sat Jan 23, 2021 5:20 pm
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Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hey lum and gem! Love the poem! Kudos to you!

Anyways, let's get started on the review.

i have one safe haven here

it's calming and secluded


Although this is the only instance in the poem where there is a definite rhythm, there isn't any real issue with the uneven rhythm of the rest of the poem. Since you start off with an easy-to-read section, the reader gets interested and subconsciously decides to skim through the entire poem. Basically, a good rule is to always make your first impression of anything as perfect as possible, even if it's not your style. This is likewise for novels. The introduction in a novel should be as slow and pretty as possible so the reader has a good impression.

Moving back to poetry, it's great to start off with a rhythmic passage. Good job!

Now I think this is time to ask about this, but is there a reason to why every other line was italicized? Like @kryptonianmenace said, it was a tiny bit distracting, but it wasn't too big of an issue. It DID give a pretty fancy glow to the poem, though.

i find some empty space to add to

empty space is worse than darkness


I especially like this section since you're actually writing about a pretty interesting topic here. Although the poem is mostly abstract, this passage really stood out. "Empty space is worse than darkness" I think you are absolutely correct here (Plot-wise). Having no inherent meaning to your existence is much less purposeful than having a dark or sinister experience.

and i lift a candle- and i let it float


The second 'and' is not needed since you've already used it once in the line. ALSO because the em dash (I'm assuming that was supposed to be an em dash) allows the neglecting of the 'and' in this situation.

and it illuminates a shade of crimson


This was a very pretty line. :) [Also-- "illuminates" huh? did lum write that . . .]

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review! Keep up the good work, you two!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks.

-kyoshi




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Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:12 pm
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kryptonianmenace wrote a review...



The formatting was a little distracting to me, but I liked it! I especially liked how the last line had both regular and italics after having the pattern for so long. I also really like the imagery of

and i lift a candle- and i let it float
because it reminds me of the floating lanterns from the movie Tangled, but more eery. I think the connection between self and home is an interesting one brought up here, and it makes me think of how our environment shapes us.





Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain