Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


If I Hear Another Christmas Song...

by luminescence


There's a tree

in the window

with lights strung up

and children gathered around

to tell tales of jolly elves.

                                             

A red and green

glow flickers from a

half-lit sign, and even the

snow seems a little festive

this time of the year.

                                                  

All of this would

be fine if it wasn't

November. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
303 Reviews


Points: 23175
Reviews: 303

Donate
Thu Nov 19, 2020 10:07 pm
View Likes
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi luminescence! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on your merry poem :)

First of all, I'd like to clear something up - it still is fine even if it's November and you can fight me on this.

Anyway, onto a review!

I like how short, simple, and clean this poem is. By clean I mean not overly wordy, not overly abstract, not overly emotional; it's just a cute little poem about Christmas, which is a nice change from super morose poetry. (Not that I'm one to speak, really, most of my poems end up unreasonably dark.)

I also enjoy how many little Christmas ideas/symbols you've fit into three short stanzas. The tree, the string of lights, the elves, red&green, snow, stuff like that. If you wanted to include even more symbols, maybe you could include a wreath, a snowman, Santa, candy canes, gingerbread houses ~ but that's definitely not necessary, it's great as is.

One thing I want to look at is your enjambment/use of disjointed line breaks. Almost all of your lines use enjambment, meaning they break mid-sentence/not at a punctuation mark. It can work well to emphasize certain words, or to create a sense of pull from one line to the next, but right now I feel like it's slightly overused in this poem -> especially since, like I said earlier, this poem doesn't have a dark or angsty subject.

I think it's most evident in your second stanza:

A red and green / glow flickers from a / half-lit sign, and even the / snow seems a little festive / this time of the year.

If you read it as a sentence, you can see that the pauses are in an unnatural place. Additionally, they aren't really highlighting important words for the most part -> "a" and "the" especially are pretty boring words.

If you rework the line breaks slightly, you might get something like this:
A red and green glow

flickers from a half-lit sign,

and even the snow

seems a little festive

this time of the year.

There is still some enjambment, it's just not as extreme or repetitive. I personally think it fits the theme of the poem better this way (and emphasizes what I'd consider more important words: "glow", "sign", "snow", "festive", etc.), but in the end it's up to you and how you want the poem to feel.

I just had one fun little formatting idea that's 100% optional ~ what if, for a bit more suspense, you had some white space between "be fine if it wasn't" and "November"? Like so:
be fine if it wasn't








November.

You could even italicize it, like I did, to add a sense of drama.

Overall, this is a fun little poem even if I disagree with the sentiments expressed ;) I hope this review is helpful, and if you've got any questions about it feel free to ask.

Keep writing! <3

whatcha




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 876
Reviews: 37

Donate
Thu Nov 19, 2020 9:12 pm
View Likes
NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hiii @luminescence! @NastyMajesty poppin' in here for a review, nice to meetcha! Anyways, I don't have much to say besides the fact that this was
SUCH
A
BIG
MOOD!

0-0 like SERIOUSLY?! THANKSGIVING HASN'T EVEN PASSED YET :C WHY ARE PEOPLE DECORATING FOR CHRISTMAS!? XDXD this stanza perfectly depicts my feelings for those early Merry Christmas-ers

All of this would

be fine if it wasn't

November.
:P Great job with the poem, I really enjoyed reading it! Keep writing!
:D

PS
Now, I think that this'll be a nice alternative to listening to Christmas songs in November for you... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqAjWUAlJ-0




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 543
Reviews: 6

Donate
Thu Nov 19, 2020 9:07 pm
View Likes
smokeyyyy says...



I swear, everyone has their Christmas trees up in like October. So I can definitely share that sentiment. Everyone's already decorated, and I haven't even started.
But anyways, I like this poem because I SWEAR YOUR TREES SHOULD NOT BE UP RN.
But in all seriousness, this poem offers a humorous relief to all of the depressing poems I've been seeing lately ( no offense ). Besides, who doesn't enjoy a little Christmas joke?
10/10 :D




User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 730
Reviews: 176

Donate
Thu Nov 19, 2020 9:04 pm
View Likes
Vil says...



*deep breath*

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS




LadyMysterio says...


AND A HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRRRRR



luminescence says...


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!




Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon