z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Halls of St. Julian's - Eduard 1.1

by looseleaf


The smell of fresh potato pancakes flowed through the interior of Eduard’s old Ford Runabout. The smushed starches were en route to the Dostals’ home, to be eaten by Mr. Dostal’s motherless son and heartless nanny. Ms. Klement had watched them the entire time they cooked so they would be the perfect golden-brown color for the young boy. She was like that. Her own kids would hurriedly spoon oatmeal into their mouths for breakfast while her clients would eat warm, authentic meals.

“What did Mr. Dostal ask for this time?” Hedvika asked. The bags of food were on her lap. Mom had insisted Mr. Dostal’s were not put in the trunk with the other packages.

“The usual,” Eduard answered, “Potato pancakes, sweet tomato sauce, and.. co to bylo, co to bylo.. and duck.”

“Must be celebrating something if they asked mom to cook duck,” Hedvika said as she peered into the paper bag, “Maybe Mr. Dostal is remarrying?”

“I hope not, for grandma’s sake.” Grandma Schovajsa always insinuated that, when Ms. Klement remarries, she should aim for Mr. Dostal. He did meet the requirements: he was Czech and attended Church at least once a week.

Hedvika giggled. It was a sweet but refined noise, one that braved the stock market crash and dad’s death and came out alive. It could change a room full of people’s emotions in the blink of an eye. It was one of the things Eduard would miss most.

The engine sputtered as the car came to a stop behind Mr. Dostal’s Hudson Town Sedan. For a moment Eduard worried that his rusty Runabout would be swept off the ground by the slightest gust of wind. Then, he saw part of Mr. Dostal’s fender was missing, and he felt safe again. Eduard moved a lock of dark brown hair that had fallen behind his glasses lense out of his vision before stepping out of the car. There was no point in actually opening the door, seeing as there were large spaces where the windows should be, but Mr. Klement taught him to never touch a shoe to a car’s paint job. So he didn’t.

Hedvika followed her older brother as he walked up the pathway to the front door. It was a small, craftsman house, much like the others in the neighborhood. The white paint was chipping off the shingles, the wooden porch had one too many holes in it, and the flowers were long past saving. Eduard removed a crinkled sheet of paper from his front right pocket. His mom’s handwriting was scribbled all over it, listing off food items and prices. Eduard’s eyes drifted down the bottom of the paper.

$2.35

He sighed as he knocked on the door. That wasn’t enough. He had told his mom that before, begged her, to take Mr. Klement’s insurance money as her own. But his father’s will was clear. The money was to go to Eduard and Hedvika’s education only, so they could afford as many opportunities as his parents provided him.

“How much is she charging him?” Hedvika asked. Eduard looked back at her. She was too mature and aware of the world for her age. A thirteen-year-old with a pretty laugh and gorgeous curls shouldn’t have to worry if mom and uncle could afford dinner.

The Klement son was about to respond when the front door swung open, revealing a disheveled Mr. Dostal on the other side.

Dobré ráno Eduard a Hedvika,” he said with a small smile.

Hedvika glanced at her brother with a furrowed brow. Being only two when the Klements immigrated from Czechoslovakia, she had never learned their native language. People thought her lazy for not learning it but, Eduard knew, she truly struggled to grasp it.

“He said good morning,” Eduard informed his sister before turning back to the lawyer standing before him, “Here’s your delivery, Mr. Dostal.”

Mr. Dostal thanked the two Klements and transferred the bags into the soulless nanny's open arms. Lois Dostal was nowhere to be seen.

"How much do I pay?" Mr. Dostal stumbled over his words.

Eduard's eyes landed on the small charge his mother had written down. $2.35. That wasn't enough.

"Two dollars and forty-five cents," Eduard said, putting the list into his left pocket when the older man's gaze was focused on the nanny.

Mr. Dostal’s lips formed into a thin line as he fished around his wallet for spare change. One dollar, two appeared from the depths of his battered wallet. Eduard knew for a fact it was real leather. Lois boasted about it to Hedvika not long after the banks closed.

Two dollars, a quarter, two dimes, and a nickel landed in Hedvika's outstretched hand.

"The nickel's for you," Mr. Dostal said as he reached for his briefcase, "Please get treats with it."

“Thanks!”

“Thank you, Mr. Dostal.”

Mr. Dostal stepped out of his home and shut the door behind him softly. Lois must still be sleeping. Eduard missed resting during summer mornings, with the window cracked open and the sun ever so gently warming the room as you rose. That habit died with Mr. Klement and the loss of his income.

Hedvika and her brother moved to the side of the pathway as Mr. Dostal rushed past, checking his watch as he did so.

"Are you okay, Mr. Dostal?" Hedvika called out.

"I am late for work," he replied as he rounded the 1929 Hudson, "There was problem this morning."

"I'm sorry. I hope everything ends up alright."

"Me, too," Eduard tagged on.

"Thank you, children. Before I leave, how is Ms. Klement?" Mr. Dostal asked, his head the only thing visible above the top of the car.

"She's fine," Eduard stated. He stood still, his arms crossed across his chest as if challenging the older man to keep questioning. Hedvika obliviously made her way to the car.

Mr. Dostal nodded and ducked into his Hudson. Its engine jumped to life like a cat whose tail was just stepped on. It drove off down the road without a bump or sputter to be heard.

"Where to next?" Hedvika asked from her spot in the passenger seat. The bow began falling out of her hair and she quickly repositioned it. Her hair was always made to the finest detail, whether it was out of vanity or decency Eduard could never tell.

“The Foltys’.”

The two Klement siblings drove to the few neighbors who hired their mom. Hedvika distributed the packages while Eduard up-charged his neighbors ten cents, then fifteen cents more than the original price Ms. Klement had set. He was determined to guarantee his mom and uncle would be financially safe when he was gone. Thankfully, Hedvika never checked the receipts.

1,119 Words

A/N: This isn't the full chapter one, but it where I will be leaving off week one of LMS!


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Fri Sep 09, 2022 7:35 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey looseleaf!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was an incredible first chapter that immediately makes you want to read more. I loved the way you have introduced us to this world. Your narration was easy to follow and, infused with the occasional humor, it was a pleasure to get acquainted with these characters and their situations.

She was like that. Her own kids would hurriedly spoon oatmeal into their mouths for breakfast while her clients would eat warm, authentic meals.

I loved how the opening paragraph pulls us right into the story and does not waste words on hefty descriptions. Instead, it is simple and witty and it introduces us to the characters in a very natural and simplistic way. Before we even know who these people are we learn things about them and it builds our impression from the get-go. Each sentence is effective and purposeful and conveys the beginnings of a story instead of beating around the bush. In other words, it was a great opening!

Hedvika giggled. It was a sweet but refined noise, one that braved the stock market crash and dad’s death and came out alive. It could change a room full of people’s emotions in the blink of an eye. It was one of the things Eduard would miss most.

Once again, I loved your narration here! It was an effective way to sneak in information in a very casual and easy manner. There are so many things we learn here and in engages our sympathy in different ways. First, it builds our impression of Hedvika as a kind-hearted, intelligent and genuine human being who is clearly very matured and insightful for her age. It also shows us how Eduard views his sister and establishes the easy relationship between them. It gives us a glimpse of the family's history, the troubles and tragedies they have had to face. And finally, it hints at a possible departure since Eduard says he is going to miss his sister's giggle (although, not very sure about the last one as it is not addressed again in this chapter).

There was no point in actually opening the door, seeing as there were large spaces where the windows should be, but Mr. Klement taught him to never touch a shoe to a car’s paint job.

The references to the car were absolutely lost on me but it was the only part of the chapter that felt more like a filler and a little disconnected to me. His technical references could be reflective of his interest in cars and the mentions of his worries of his car being swept away by the wind may suggest his concern over their financial situation. Of course, it could be just a creative decision on your side and I might just be reading behind the lines.

It was a small, craftsman house, much like the others in the neighborhood. The white paint was chipping off the shingles, the wooden porch had one too many holes in it, and the flowers were long past saving.

I like how simple and effective the descriptions are. The fact that they appear later in the story when the readers are already invested in your world make them less of a hindrance and more like an accessory that not only establishes the world of the characters but also hints at their stories and backgrounds. For example, from here we can take a guess at Mr. Dostal's less than fortunate status and his humble disposition.

Its engine jumped to life like a cat whose tail was just stepped on.

This was funny and clever and the fact that I could actually imagine the cat made me laugh out loud at the mental image!

Overall, this was a very strong beginning to the novel! I have probably said this more than enough times already, but I love how reflective your narration is. It has done justice to your characters and established them in the most humane way possible. I loved the little actions that conveyed so much - like Eduard silently challenging Mr. Dostal to enquire about his mother (suggesting his own insecurity and concern) or Hedvika walking away obliviously for all her maturity (suggesting innocence and a tendency to deny rather than confront) or Eduard wanting to score more money for his mother but only increasing the cost by ten cents (suggesting his good nature moral sense) These little things already make me feel connected with the characters and interested in their stories and journeys.

That's all! I hope I was able to help somewhat with the review.

Keep writing and have a great day!




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review, Random! I really appreciate it. You were dead on the car being swept away and Eduard being concerned over their financial issues. Have a good day! <333



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Fri Sep 09, 2022 1:23 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here with a review! Saw this in the green room and thought I'd give it a read - and I'm glad I did. It's amazing!
Very well written, clean paraphs, smooth sentences, and good wit. The emotions are strong, too, both dark (with death being mentioned) yet funny and lighthearted. The balance between the narrators wit and the serous subject matter is well balanced and reminds me of Austen. Another thing that reminds me of Austen is that I suck at names, so I spent considerable mental energy trying to figure out who's who. This is not exactly a critique, I do this with any book not written for children (especially with foreign names. The brothers Karmozov was a ride, tell you what.) But if you could just forgive me if I got something confused, that would be helpful. There are a couple spots I think you could be clearer, but I'll mention them as they come up.
Into specifics!

The smell of fresh potato pancakes flowed through the interior of Eduard’s old Ford Runabout. The smushed starches were en route to the Dostals’ home, to be eaten by Mr. Dostal’s motherless son and heartless nanny. Mrs. Klement watched them the entire time they cooked so they would be the perfect golden-brown color for the young boy. She was like that. Her own kids hurriedly spooned oatmeal into their mouths for breakfast while her clients ate warm, authentic meals.

Honestly, a really good opening paragraph feels very profes' if you know what I mean. The sentences flow well and give us a quick yet adequate description of what's going on. I especially liked the italicized sentence. It told us a lot in a short time and was fun. The emboldened part, though, was a little messy for me. Since we are continuing to speak in the same tense (simple past), it feels a little like whiplash. We were in the car and then suddenly were in her kitchen. Placing that section in the perfect past tense with words like 'had,' and 'would' could be helpful. Something like, "Mrs. Klement had watched them the entire time they cooked so they would be the perfect golden-brown color for the young boy. She was like that. Her own kids would hurriedly spoon oatmeal into their mouths for breakfast while her clients would eat warm, authentic meals."
Hedvika giggled. It was a sweet but refined noise, one that braved the stock market crash and dad’s death and came out alive. It could change a room full of people’s emotions in the blink of an eye. It was one of the things Eduard would miss most.

Can I say, this line made me laugh out loud, and writing doesn't do that for me super often. It's witty, effective, and well-placed.
The engine sputtered as the car came to a stop behind Mr. Dostal’s Hudson Town Sedan.

Honestly, this chapter feels very you, all the car references, the stock market, and the church.
The engine sputtered as the car came to a stop behind Mr. Dostal’s Hudson Town Sedan. For a moment, Eduard worried that his rusty Runabout would be swept off the ground by the slightest gust of wind. Then, he saw part of Mr. Dostal’s fender was missing, and he felt safe again. Eduard moved a lock of dark brown hair that had fallen behind his glasses lense out of his vision before stepping out of the car. There was no point in actually opening the door, seeing as there were large spaces where the windows should be, but Mr. Klement taught him to never touch a shoe to a car’s paint job. So he didn’t.

Okay, this might be because I'm like a car idiot (though every picture you post of old cars brings me deep joy), but this paraph was very hard for me to follow.
Mr. Dostal stepped out of his home and shut the door behind him softly. Lois must still be sleeping. Eduard missed resting during summer mornings, with the window cracked open and the sun ever so gently warming the room as you rose. That habit died with Mr. Klement and the loss of his income.

Well written paragraph and that last line is just *chef's kiss*.
Something else I noticed was that in the first paraph, Ms. Klement was referred to as Mrs. Klement, as in, married, but then the rest of the chapter, she's Ms. Klement. I don't know if that's intentional, but for a moment, I thought they were two sisters (one married, one unmarried.)
But that's just my two cents!
Genuinely really enjoyed this, and I am excited to read more of it!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




looseleaf says...


Thanks so much Andrew! I'm glad you liked it. I'll definitely change Mrs. to Ms., that was a mistake, and reword the past tense in that one sentence! As for the cars, the Ford Runabout literally had no doors and was known for being a cheap, light car mostly for young teens/poor folk. The Hudson Town Car was Hudson's top-of-the-line model for that year ($1375 vs $275 for a 1924 Runabout >.>) and was much more respectable looking. I don't really know what I was going for in that paragraph lol but maybe that gives some background.

Thanks again!




Who knew paper and ink could be so vicious.
— Kathryn Stockett, The Help