Hey looseleaf!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really great story. I liked how you directly opened in the middle of an already ongoing scene and still managed to pull us directly into the story without really disrupting the flow. I really like the tension you have built throughout the story, and how you have described your surroundings and the events without going into much detail at all and keeping it rather vague. I think this decision has made the story even more realistic, because face down on the ground with men holding guns, I don't think anyone would really have much room for other thoughts.
Still, I liked how cool and smooth your voice of narration was. The situation is so very grave, but this man almost seems collected. He tried to intervene the robbery which reflects his character, but I am really impressed with how he never lost his calm throughout the story.
I found only one problem in this story and it is the tense. See, you opened in the present tense, but as the story moved on you shifted to the past tense. Since you are describing a scene or event here, I was a little confused about when this was actually taking place. I think you should clear that up for your readers.
Overall, this was a really great story, and I liked how direct and in the moment it was. Frankly, I cannot believe that you wrote this in seven minutes. That is super impressive.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Points: 82352
Reviews: 659
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