z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter Two - Dad Hacked Death (OLD)

by looseleaf


First Chapter (formerly the Prologue)

Word Count: 839

-

The next morning, Q held the watch mom had given her in her hands. She had given up examining it. Q was convinced she would never learn whatever the words replacing the numbers meant. She stared at her reflection in the watch instead. Mom had always said Q shared her dad’s peaches-and-cream complexion. Q couldn’t argue with that: her cheeks were always a shade pinker than the rest of her. Except her freckles. Those were always showing.

The sun was rising over the adjacent apartment buildings and light was finally making its way into Q’s room. Q had woken long ago, but she stayed in bed so the creaky floorboards didn’t wake her mom. She didn’t need to be up until seven, anyways.

Q’s room was nothing compared to her old one. Her bed nearly stretched the length of the room, leaving space for a small dresser. A desk squeezed in between the wall and the bed. It was small enough to be considered a side table, but, more often than not, Q used it for homework.

A familiar jingle filled the air as Belle’s name filled Q’s phone.

She grabbed her phone and answered it, “Belle?”

“Hey, Q-Tip!” a familiar voice exclaimed, “What’s up?”

“What’s up? Belle, it’s 6:45 in the morning,” Q paused for a moment, “Since when are you up at 6:45 in the morning?”

“I’m assuming you weren’t?”

“No, I was. Why’d you call me so early?”

“I just wanted to tell you I’m picking you up!” Belle said, happier than ever, “I’m driving us to school.”

“That’s great. When will you be here?”

“A couple of minutes, let me check,” Belle was silent for a couple of seconds, “Google says ten.”

“Alright,” Q said. She wanted to say You’ve been to my house a thousand times, why are you using Google?, but she decided against it. She didn’t want to be rude.

Q rushed out of bed to change and brush her teeth. The clothes she had worn the day before were strewn about the floor, almost tripping her as she walked through her room. At the last moment, she decided to put the watch on.

“Good morning, clutz,” Honey said from her spot on the couch. She was scrolling mindlessly through her phone, a can of Red Bull on the coffee table.

Q rolled her eyes, stuffing her phone in her back pocket, “How long have you been up?”

Honey chuckled, “I’ve never been asleep.”

“That’s the second night in a row, Honey. It’s not healthy.”

“That doesn’t matter,” she mumbled.

Q knew better than to continue, so she made her way to the kitchen. Mom was sitting there, hunched above her laptop. An apple core sat beside the laptop.

Q walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself a to-go cup.

“Mornin’, mom.”

“Good morning, hun,” mom said, not looking up from her computer.

“Belle’s picking me up.”

That got mom’s attention, “You’re still spending time with that Jones girl?”

“Of course, mom, she’s my best friend.”

“How is she your best friend?” mom asked, looking up from her computer screen. Her glasses hung low on her nose. Almost like a librarian.

Q sighed, “She’s been my friend since second grade. We took a mother-daughter trip to New York, mom. If that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is.”

“I don’t buy it, Q,” mom shook her head, “This is, what, the second time she’s offered to drive you to school?”

“It’s not her job to drive me to school, mom. It’s nice of her to just offer.”

“She has a brand-new Porsche Convertible, Q. One of the most beautiful cars on the market! Our car is a 2011 Honda.”

“So?”

“It’s the principle of it,” mom shrugged, returning to her work, “Nothing but the principle.”

“Well, mom, I-”

And, with that, there was a knock on the door. Q put her coffee down and opened it, revealing Belle on the other side, looking down at her phone.

“Ready?” Belle asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Q picked her bag up from the floor, “Totally. Bye mom!”

“Bye, sweetie!” mom shouted from the kitchen.

“Cya, Ms. Polnet,” Belle said as Q shut the door behind them.

There was almost complete silence as they walked down to Belle’s car. Mom was right: it was a gorgeous car. Its dark blue paint reflected the sky beautifully and it somehow made a black roof look good.

Q buckled herself as Belle set her phone in its holder.

“So, Q-Tip,” Q groaned at the nickname. Belle didn’t care, “I was thinking we head to Starbucks and you can help me with my Latin homework.”

“Uh, yeah,” Q nodded, “Sounds great. I didn’t bring any money, though.”

“Oh,” Belle said. Q knew what was coming. Despite her having all the money in the world, Belle had never covered for Q, “You want to go inside and grab some?”

“No, no. I’m fine. I have my coffee-” Q held up her cup “-anyways.”

“Ok. We’ll go to the park, then.”


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Mon Sep 06, 2021 5:27 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this was an interesting continuation from the previous chapter. It feels like here we're getting a sense of this family's morning routine somewhat and we meet an interesting character there....in Belle.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The next morning, Q held the watch mom had given her in her hands. She had given up examining it. Q was convinced she would never learn whatever the words replacing the numbers meant. She stared at her reflection in the watch instead. Mom had always said Q shared her dad’s peaches-and-cream complexion. Q couldn’t argue with that: her cheeks were always a shade pinker than the rest of her. Except her freckles. Those were always showing.

The sun was rising over the adjacent apartment buildings and light was finally making its way into Q’s room. Q had woken long ago, but she stayed in bed so the creaky floorboards didn’t wake her mom. She didn’t need to be up until seven, anyways.


Hmmm...so I was meaning to ask in my review of the previous chapter but didn't get around to it. Is Q meant to be the nickname this character generally goes by or is it like a placeholder letter until you come up with a name? Or is her name just Q?

Anyways, I was just curious...this is a nice point to start here. I notice you skip right to her having received the watch..hmm, I get the feeling that this indicates this watch is going to be very important going forward here.

Q’s room was nothing compared to her old one. Her bed nearly stretched the length of the room, leaving space for a small dresser. A desk squeezed in between the wall and the bed. It was small enough to be considered a side table, but, more often than not, Q used it for homework.


I love how you've included a small description, always nice to see that, certainly helps out a bit with visualising the setting here and that's definitely a good thing to see at the start of a chapter....or you do get the feeling people are randomly hanging out in the void.

A familiar jingle filled the air as Belle’s name filled Q’s phone.

She grabbed her phone and answered it, “Belle?”

...

“Alright,” Q said. She wanted to say You’ve been to my house a thousand times, why are you using Google?, but she decided against it. She didn’t want to be rude.


Okay...love that little conversation, that seems like a pretty realistic conversation there and really tells you about the relationship that these two characters may share there...which is certainly nice to see.

Q rushed out of bed to change and brush her teeth. The clothes she had worn the day before were strewn about the floor, almost tripping her as she walked through her room. At the last moment, she decided to put the watch on.

“Good morning, clutz,” Honey said from her spot on the couch. She was scrolling mindlessly through her phone, a can of Red Bull on the coffee table.

Q rolled her eyes, stuffing her phone in her back pocket, “How long have you been up?”

Honey chuckled, “I’ve never been asleep.”


Well, that definitely isn't healthy, just one all nighter is enough to make most humans unable to function, so unless this is not a human, that's just impressive and also seems to indicate someone that's undergoing a pretty significant amount of stress there to end up like that.

“That’s the second night in a row, Honey. It’s not healthy.”

“That doesn’t matter,” she mumbled.

Q knew better than to continue, so she made her way to the kitchen. Mom was sitting there, hunched above her laptop. An apple core sat beside the laptop.

Q walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself a to-go cup.

“Mornin’, mom.”

“Good morning, hun,” mom said, not looking up from her computer.

“Belle’s picking me up.”

That got mom’s attention, “You’re still spending time with that Jones girl?”


Hmm...well looks like besides the mysterious watch, things are going fairly normally in this household. It doesn't look anything that's really out of the ordinary is going on so far here and it looks like after that mysterious piece in the first chapter, now we're seeing this family on a normal morning.

“Of course, mom, she’s my best friend.”

“How is she your best friend?” mom asked, looking up from her computer screen. Her glasses hung low on her nose. Almost like a librarian.

Q sighed, “She’s been my friend since second grade. We took a mother-daughter trip to New York, mom. If that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is.”

“I don’t buy it, Q,” mom shook her head, “This is, what, the second time she’s offered to drive you to school?”

“It’s not her job to drive me to school, mom. It’s nice of her to just offer.”


Well...I am sensing some hostility from the mother to her best friend here...although with the Google thing earlier, I wonder if her mother is somehow right...definitely gives you a few things to think about here, this conversation.

And, with that, there was a knock on the door. Q put her coffee down and opened it, revealing Belle on the other side, looking down at her phone.

“Ready?” Belle asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Q picked her bag up from the floor, “Totally. Bye mom!”

“Bye, sweetie!” mom shouted from the kitchen.

“Cya, Ms. Polnet,” Belle said as Q shut the door behind them.


Hmm...well that was quick....so Q's not going to have any breakfast I see...and she's taking her coffee with here...I do wonder if she's just in a rush and wants to eat on the way or its just the simple fact that her mother isn't going to be cooking here. Judging by that apple core, it seems like the latter here.

There was almost complete silence as they walked down to Belle’s car. Mom was right: it was a gorgeous car. Its dark blue paint reflected the sky beautifully and it somehow made a black roof look good.

Q buckled herself as Belle set her phone in its holder.

“So, Q-Tip,” Q groaned at the nickname. Belle didn’t care, “I was thinking we head to Starbucks and you can help me with my Latin homework.”

“Uh, yeah,” Q nodded, “Sounds great. I didn’t bring any money, though.”


Hmm....so they might have breakfast after all...although hmm...the way that Belle just kind opened with Latin homework there is a little suspicious there...I definitely think the mom is onto something.

“Oh,” Belle said. Q knew what was coming. Despite her having all the money in the world, Belle had never covered for Q, “You want to go inside and grab some?”

“No, no. I’m fine. I have my coffee-” Q held up her cup “-anyways.”

“Ok. We’ll go to the park, then.”


Okay...yeah that's red flag number too for me, this doesn't seem to be as good of a frienship as Q would like you to believe here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I love how the watch is mostly glossed over cause that means I'm definitely checking out chapter three to know more there...and also..well, this Belle character is really interesting. At this point, I'm very suspicious about whether or net she's an actual best friend here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review! I named all the Polnet siblings after James Bond characters, hence Q, Mallory, and Honey. Anyways, I really appreciate the review!



KateHardy says...


You're Welcome!!

Ahh...xD



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Fri Sep 03, 2021 8:08 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Hello again! Back for another review!

The next morning, Q held the watch mom had given her in her hands.

Ooh, I love the decision you made to skip over the scene where Q receives the watch. Not only is it a unique and creative choice, but you're also holding back the information about the watch that I would've learned from what the mom told Q. I have a feeling that it's an object of great importance and mystery, and now you have more control how and when to disclose that information about it. (Or maybe the mom knows absolutely nothing about the watch and had nothing to tell Q, haha.)

A familiar jingle filled the air as Belle’s name filled Q’s phone.

Ooh, there's that name from the beginning of the first chapter!

“That’s great. When will you be here?”

“A couple of minutes, let me check,” Belle was silent for a couple of seconds, “Google says ten.”

“Alright,” Q said.

Woah, woah - Q's still in bed and she's just been told she has ten minutes to get ready for school?? I'd be freaking out! I don't know about you, but I need at least 45 minutes to get ready.

“That’s the second night in a row, Honey. It’s not healthy.”

Ahaha, yikes. Honey and Q sure are opposites!

Mom was sitting there, hunched above her laptop. An apple core sat beside the laptop.

I definitely wasn't expecting the mom to be awake too, considering Q was staying in bed so as not to wake her with the creaky floorboards. And the mom's been awake for a little while if she's already finished an apple.

We took a mother-daughter trip to New York, mom.

What does that mean? I thought that Belle was the same age as Q.

Its dark blue paint reflected the sky beautifully and it somehow made a black roof look good.

Good job on this description! Is the black roof referring to the car or the apartment?

“Oh,” Belle said. Q knew what was coming. Despite her having all the money in the world, Belle had never covered for Q, “You want to go inside and grab some?”

Oof, big yikes!! So Belle's just picking up Q so she can get help on homework, and she can't even bother to buy Q a coffee. I'm starting to understand where Q's mom is coming from. Is Belle really best friend material?

I definitely appreciate shorter chapters on YWS because they're easier to read and review, but in the future I think that Chapter 1 and 2 could easily be combined into one. Probably the next chapter too, if it makes sense! I agree with RandomTalks that there isn't a whole lot of plot progression in this chapter. I still don't know what Q's primary goal/motivation is, and we haven't really had an inciting incident yet. I recommend checking out this link for a list of the must-haves for first chapters! You've definitely checked most of these off already, but keep an eye out for the missing ones when you work on your next draft!

I really enjoyed this one! Keep up the great work! <3

Wolfi




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Thu Sep 02, 2021 3:58 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey looseleaf!

RandomTalks here for a short review!

First impression: I went over the first chapter again, because it has been too long. This chapter feels a lot more structured. It is light and easy to follow and it has a really fast and free pace. I really liked reading this.

Now let's get onto the story!

The sun was rising over the adjacent apartment buildings and light was finally making its way into Q’s room.


Q’s room was nothing compared to her old one. Her bed nearly stretched the length of the room, leaving space for a small dresser. A desk squeezed in between the wall and the bed. It was small enough to be considered a side table, but, more often than not, Q used it for homework.

I think you have worked a little more with the descriptions this time. Even though it isn't too much, the small descriptions about the sun rising and Q's room go really well with the overall pace of the story. However that is where it seems to end. The rest of the story does not have any more descriptions, and while there is no problem with that and your current technique works as well, I think it would be better if you explore her thoughts and surroundings a bit. Otherwise it will feel like a narration of thoughts and events.

Honey chuckled, “I’ve never been asleep.”

I am a little curios about Honey though. Yes, she seemed to be a little inconsiderate in the previous chapter, but does she have some kind of a sleeping disorder? I feel like you hinted at something here, but I am not sure. If she does have a sleeping disorder, then why is Q the only one concerned? Why does her mother not care that one of her daughters has not slept in two nights? And yet she seems to know about Q's friend status. I feel like their mother is a little more concerned with Q's life, but, I do have a habit of reading too much into things!

Despite her having all the money in the world, Belle had never covered for Q,

Now, Belle. I thought it was a little strange how Q's mother was wary of her friendship with Belle because of her status. Rich people can be friends with struggling people. But then we really got to meet Belle, and the fact that she dodged the idea of Starbucks just because Q had forgotten to bring her money suggests that maybe her mother was not completely wrong about Belle. She is after all, a well-off person. Why wouldn't she cover for her friend then?

Overall impression: I think this was a really good second chapter. It doesn't really move the plot along, but it gives us time to get used to the characters and their lives, which I believe is really important.

Keep up the good work and have a great day!




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review! I%u2019ll work on descriptions for Chapter 4!



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Thu Sep 02, 2021 3:22 pm
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DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey, Alice here to give a short review!!!

It was a very fun and light hearted read! I really enjoyed reading it. And the sentences were well structured and easy to read, which makes it more enjoyable to read. The dialogue were well written. The description of the room was right on point and it was easy for me to imagine the place. And Q is really a weird name XD. I like the plot setting and the relaxed tone of the story and I would definitely read the next chapter!

Bye!!!
Keep writing!




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review!




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— Plato