Click Click Click
The sound my fingers make when they hit the keyboard
Click Click Click
The sound my fingers make as I erase and rewrite my words
Tick Tick Tick
The sound the clock makes as it approaches midnight
Tick Tick Tick
The sound I think I hear in my head but I know I’m imagining
Promise Promise Promise
The word you repeated when I threatened to leave you
Promise Promise Promise
The word I now have the lowest respect for
Hate Hate Hate
How I feel about you
Hate Hate Hate
How I feel about me
Love Love Love
How I felt about you
Love Love Love
What I’ll never feel again
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there! Your poem really stood out to me, so bear with me for a quick review!
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem. I find it to be rather refreshing in terms of taking a concept used often in poetry and making it less cliché. Broken promises, hate, and failed love.
Your format really makes it flow for the most part. The only suggestion I have (and yes, it will repeat what other's have commented on): Stick to the 3's or make the other's one. I feel like by not continuing this pattern, it breaks the flow.
I take the beginning (clicking on a keyboard, time nearing midnight and rewriting words) to be the person writing the bottom half as a letter or simply just a way of getting out their feelings. Is that correct? Either way, I like this way of setting up the poem.
And overall, this poem feels very deep and saddening. You conveyed your poem with emotion that felt real.
I rather enjoyed your poem, and I hope to read more of your work soon! Keep writing!
-Katja
Hullo livealittlebrighter! Cat here to review this wonderful poem in the spirit of review day! Okay then, here we go!
Click Click Click
First, let's go through your poem together (Anything in bold is my comments/suggestions/grammar help):
Spoiler
The sound my fingers make when they hit the keyboard
Click Click Click
The sound my fingers make as I erase and rewrite my words
Tick Tick Tick
The sound the clock makes as it approaches midnight
Tick Tick Tick
The sound I think I hear in my head but I know I’m imagining
Promise (In the previous lines, you repeated your onomatopoeia three times, so please do it with the rest of the lines)
The word you repeated when I threatened to leave you
Promise
The word I now have the lowest respect for
Hate
How I feel about you
Hate
How I feel about me
Love
How I felt about you
Love
What I’ll never feel again
What I liked: I love how much emotions and imagery you managed to pump into such a simple and small poem!
What to fix grammar/spelling wise: Nothing!
Plot holes/confusing stuff: At first, you said 'click' and 'tick' three times, but stopped when you got to 'promise' and 'love'. I would either repeat all of them three times, or once. Or I guess you could choose another number of times.
Other random comments: Wow! Such feeling!
Well anyways, great poem! Good job and keep writing!
Hello livealittlebrighter! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Click {c}lick {c}lick
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
The sound my fingers make when they hit the keyboard{.}
Click {c}lick {c}lick
The sound my fingers make as I erase and rewrite my words{.}
{--}
Tick {tock t}ick {tock}
The sound the clock makes as it approaches midnight{.}
Tick {tock t}ick {tock}
The sound I think I hear in my head but I know I’m imagining{.} {This line is too long for this poem. It interrupts flow}
{--}
Promise {promise promise}
The word you repeated when I threatened to leave you{.}
Promise {promise promise}
The word I now have the lowest respect for{.}
{--}
Hate {hate hate}
How I feel about you{.}
Hate {hate hate hate}
How I feel about me{.} {I would strikethrough this line. Make it more powerful}
{--}
Love {love love}
How I felt about you{.}
Love {love love}
What I’ll never feel again{.}
{what is love? baby don't hurt me}My interpretation:
This is a poem about the frustration someone feels after their heart is broken by someone that they loved. I know exactly that feeling, but with a crush instead of love pfft.
I was so stupid back then.The use of "keyboard" gives it that feel that makes it less cliché, so great job. I think I'm going to steal this >:3Overall:
Overall, I liked. It wasn't too cliché, but it wasn't too original either. But I get it - it's your first poem on the site. Don't worry, my first poem was worse, if that makes you feel better, haha. But as I said with Thundahguy's comment below, it could be offensive to say that you hate yourself metaphorically when there are people in the world who truly hate themselves. However, I did like, so I look forward to future poems
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Man, this sounds depressing. You should probably follow the advice you put in your username.
What makes you think it's about me?
Your whole description you put. You know.
That.
I was being sarcastic dude.
don't be sarcastic about being sad or depression, @livealittlebrighter. It's offensive to people like me who are truly depressed and actually truly have a sad life. Just a note.
Thanks for sharing.
The poem manages to convey a frustration felt very deeply by a person in an intolerable situation. The self- hatred felt for not taking the necessary action. The sensation of hopelessness engendered by the ticking clock and clicking nails.
Suggestion: The only suggestion I have is to ad a you" after the word "leave". Seems to come across more powerfully that way and reinforces the "you" used in the other lines.. IMHO.
BTW
Amazing how skillful some people are in gaining the hatred of others isn't it? The worse mistake we can make in this short lifespan is to remain in close proximity with such individuals. Yet that is exactly what some of us sometimes do only to bitterly regret it later when time's up and there remain very few ticks on our clock and even fewer clicks on our fingers..
.