Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So that was a pretty surprising twist that you had there. It seems like the most elaborate and unlikely suicide ever that I'm pretty sure is impossible in reality but I think its just so unrealistic that it works and the story as a whole comes out pretty nicely because of it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
He is crying. Grown men don’t cry but certainly he realizes this as tears stream down his face, and he peers into the alley trying to find the shadow men. They’re there. They’re laughing at him. He doesn’t deserve to die – it just feels appropriate. Not a soul in the world would care or even bother to find out what happened to him. His mother is dead, his father is a drunk. It is the perfect cliché borne into reality. The sky is black and devoid of stars. Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the night. This is what he wanted. This is what he gets.
Wow that was quite the start. That is a really interesting place to be starting things off there. And nice little cheeky reference to this being a cliche. That's the best part of this whole opening paragraph.
The girl rounds the corner from the bus stop, hugging herself to deflect the cold. She’s blonde, fair-haired, and pretty. He watches from the street corner and waits.
Waiting.
Slit, and the blood rushes from his wrists.
OUCH. That is one of the more painfully long ways to die although slitting the wrist is actually pretty bearable and very effective if you know how to cut.
The staged cries of a girl echo through the empty night.
“He’s dying… please… somebody help…”
Well that is a twist right there with the cries being stages. Nice setup to what is about to follow.
“Your lips were good, but you are God.” With that, the first rain of the year begins and the blood drains away into a nearby sewer grate. They are dead and decaying. The fly, seeking shelter from the rain, enters the united carcasses and finds comfort in their hearts, still beating rhythmically to the sound of their death. The slow, steady pumping soothes its aching body as it slurps the moist blood and explodes into a thousand yellow maggots which proceed to devour any trace of what happened. The water washes away their crime.
Well that would make a pretty good horror movie ending right there. Its definitely very unexpected and very gory and you did a fairly decent job of making sure that we can understand what's going on even as it gets really hectic. Usually I would criticize the giant paragraph but I think here it actually works with the story so I think it's fine to leave in there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall it was a pretty intense bit of action. A fairly decent short there. I won't say it was fun to read because of obvious reasons but it was definitely pretty well written with a really nice flow even as things descended into utter madness. Good Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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