Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Like A Woman.
I sit,
waiting for the moon
because I think it misses me.
unlike other things
unlike other things.
I wonder
where she went.
The girl who blushed.
The girl who played.
The girl who wished.
Sometimes, I wish…
like a girl,
crying tears.
like a teen,
spitting fire.
like a woman,
biting my tongue.
Never like a person.
Now, I see sunken cheeks.
shadows over eyes.
eyes that droop.
I see a 'woman.'
I wonder…
when the girl left.
Dead Man.
Sometimes,
I see a dead man.
A million scars
covering his body.
Some days, he dies of fire.
Others, he dies of gas..
I wonder…
when I'll stop hating him.
Sheeps To The Slaughter.
A modern Moses,
leading your people
to the promised land.
But do they know
the cost of your 'God?'
I pity the sheep,
The ewe that can't tell apart
a spring to drink,
from a pool of blood
as they flock at the altar.
Now, with red hands,
You pray at the shrine,
drowning your sin with blood.
I wonder…
Do you believe in salvation?
People?
We are all the same.
Children with a father.
Fathers with a shrink.
Shrinks with a child.
But then, why?
Because,
you say 'I,' not 'you.'
You take 'us,'
and turn it into 'you.'
But, it's still 'I.'
A million voices,
raised to one.
As you stand,
I wonder…
Do you see flesh?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi Lilian! Niteowl here to leave a review since this has been hanging around the Green Room for a while. Since there's a few poems here, I'm going to leave some short thoughts on each one, then some overall thoughts.
Like A Woman
I like this as a reflection on transitioning from girl to woman and wondering where the time and innocence went. It's not an uncommon theme, but I do see potential add specificity by expanding on memories of childhood innocence and moments when the speaker knew it was lost. "waiting for the moon/because I think it misses me" is a great line.
Dead Man
This is a vicious little fragment. Whatever the backstory of this one, I think a lot of people can relate to having violent fantasies about someone from their past. With this being a collection, it seems like this man might be part of why the girl in "like a woman" lost her innocence. If you wanted to, you could expand the backstory here to show why the speaker wants this person dead.
Sheeps to the Slaughter
More dark and violent imagery, this time with a religious bent. The speaker is watching a modern cult with fascination and pity. Again, like in Dead Man, the speaker is fantasizing about the cult leader meeting his end (maybe at the speaker's hands?)
People?
Frankly, this is the weakest of the bunch. It's unclear to me what it's actually about, and not in the "nonspecific but with interesting potential backstories" way as the other three poems. It seems to be calling someone out for being selfish, but I think this could benefit with some examples showing this person's selfishness. "A million voices raised to one" makes me think it might be about a political figure, but the "fathers with shrinks" line makes it seem like it's more personal. As an aside, I'm not sure the selfish person described here would ever see a shrink voluntarily, so that feels like a confusing nonsequitur. If you wanted to revise this one, you could start with a more specific image of who you're talking about and think of ways to make that clearer to the audience.
Overall, the first three poems are interesting. "Like a Woman" and "Sheep to the Slaughter" stand alone, but the common endings makes me wonder how they might be connected. "Dead Man" is a fragment, but the violent imagery pairs well with "Sheep to the Slaughter" and its placement after "Like a Woman" has me seeing possible connections. For a collection of late night musings, this is solid work. Keep writing!
These are interesting poems. The way you wrote them, and the word choice makes me wonder what the meaning behind them is. The first poem "Like a Woman" seems like the writer is remising at their past. The last one "People?" seems like the writer is almost resentful to the subject. All these poems are wonderful so keep up the good work!