I cried again
In hopes that someone
Can see my invisible tears
I cried again
After witnessing horrors
Of unimaginable fears
I cried again
unable to fall asleep
Hunted by my own nightmares
I cried again
thinking that I was done
When everything
Has yet to begin
I cried again
Back stabbed constantly in the back
by people i once called my friends
I cried again
realizing I had no one to turn to
but just a paper and a pen
I cried again
Unsure of when all of my troubles
will one day come to an end
I cried again
Not knowing
If I'll ever stop
Crying again
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, the first thing I noticed is that a bunch of places need commas. Those places would be "I cried again". Every time you say that, "I cried again" will be needing a comma. "unable to fall asleep", "thinking that I was done", "Has yet to begin", "I cried again", "Back stabbed constantly in the back", "I cried again", "realizing I had no one to turn to", "I cried again", "Unsure of when all of my troubles". The line after that would read better if you were to put "Would one day come to an end." Try that. And lastly, "I cried again". The poem flowed rather well, so good job on that! It spoke/speaks to me on a personal level, this poem does. It made the emotion that was in it even more strong.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that all you seem to do is cry. You want to stop and you want the bad things to go away but you have no Idea when that will be. You want it all to stop. You have had no one to talk to, to pour your heart out to and that makes it even worse. Or did. You have had friends hurt you when you trusted them and you have trouble trusting most now.
Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
I love the flow of this poem, it has a great pace and rhythm to it. I really felt the deep emotions and could feel the pain of the writer. You've really conveyed the subject matter in a simplistic way yet complex enough to show how overpowering it can be. Really great poem, well done.
Hello lauren807! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
I cried again
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
In hopes that someone
Can see my invisible tears{.} {Same girl, same}
{Add "--" here to separate stanzas}
I cried again
After witnessing horrors
Of unimaginable fears{.}
{--}
I cried again{,}
{U}nable to fall asleep{,}
Hunted by my own nightmares{.}
{--}
I cried again{,}
thinking that I was done
When everything
{Had} yet to begin{.}
{--}
I cried again
{Stabbed} constantly in the back {I removed "back" because saying "back" over and over again gets redundant}
{B}y people {I] once called my friends{.}
{--}
I cried again{,}
realizing I had no one to turn to
but just a paper and a pen{.} {And a computer}
{--}
I cried again{,}
Unsure of when all of my troubles
will one day come to an end{.}
{--}
I cried again{,}
Not knowing
If I'll ever stop
Crying again{.}
My interpretation:
This poem is about depression; about being stabbed in the back by people you once trusted and loved, right? I know that feeling. I'm clinically depressed because of a girl who I thought was my friend. Read my poems and dear you to fully understand the situation, but you're not alone.
Overall:
Overall, I loved. I'm so so glad that there's another dark writer on here. I'm going to admit, I'm more dark mwuahahaha >:3 but I'm still happy
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
I like the way you create a somber mood by the envoy I "cried again".
Also the ending is very creative and captivating. Thanks for sharing.
Suggestion: This suggestion it to have a word rhyme with "nightmares" so that the rhyming pattern can be preserved.
When everything
Has yet to begin
...and nobody cares.
Back[-]stabbing
The expression "...in the back." seems redundant since back-stabbing already conveys a stabbing in the back and so repeating it seems unnecessary. Since the word "back" isn't essential in the rhyme pattern, I would delete that phrase.
Please note that it flows much better with:
"Back-stabbed constantly by people [I] once called my friends...."
Writing the "I" in the lower case distracted me by having me ask why.
"....in hopes that someone could see...." maintains the past tense harmony with "cried".
"....would one day come to an end." Again to maintain
tense harmony.
Thanks once more for sharing this beautiful poem.