Tomato King, Potato Queen Ch 1 : Mayonnaise and Salad dressing.

I sat under a tree, twiddling my thumbs. We were at the armoury. ‘We’ in the sense, me and the soldiers who would be accompanying me on my quest, and the armoury was pretty much a giant dollhouse made of mud and twigs and leaves, they had said that they were weapons inside. However, I was too large to go inside so I sat outside waiting for my teammates.

Though, what kind of weapons did vegetable people have? Pitchforks? Forks? Knives? Wait – was that offensive? Maybe it’s offensive only if you eat vegetables. Well, that wasn’t much of a problem then, I didn’t eat any. The front door slammed open.

SLAM!

I jumped, jerking out of my reverie and my teammates exited carrying leaf bags and heaving a people sized gun that was made of wood but looked like a water gun. I’m not going to lie, the gun excited me, it was a gun! It meant that they were taking me seriously. I smiled, triumphant and sat up straighter.

“Well, Hooman. This is yours. I am Limonel Lemoneralla, Captain of the Vegmarda - The Royal Guard and I will be leading this quest. You are the magician, yes?” I nodded, the lemon lady nodded too. She was old, her skin was tough like a lemon but lined, she had a jagged brown scar running down the length of her face. She was bald.

“These are your comrades – Asperal Paraguss and Spig Oniens who are graduates from the Tornelious academy and this is Zucc Nious our tech expert.” The asparagus woman and spring onion man nodded smartly; they reminded me of military soldiers. The zucchini man was kind of droopy. His nod was not smart. (Okay, so, child me was blissfully unaware of the existence of the vegetable zucchini - and - I may have called him stripy man in my head for an embarrassing amount of time.)

I nodded to them as well and Limonel continued, “You may refer to me as Caption. Now Hooman, what is your name?”

“Tuffy, Tuffy Tobbyman.”

The lady blinked, “What?”

“Tuffy – it’s Tuffy.”

They stared at me. I stared at them, a little uncomfortable now. They burst into laughter. They howled, tears streaming down their cheeks. I blushed angrily “It’s NOT FUNNY!!!!!”

They paid me no heed, instead they doubled over laughing. “Tuffy’s a perfectly normal name!!!” I shouted, angry and embarrassed, my cheeks hot.

“HAHA!!! It’s not! It's not!” hooted the lemon lady, “Tuffy!? That’s what I would name my pet mushroom! Not my child!”

“It’s a human name!!” I yelled, blowing out my cheeks like a sulky child.

I had no effect.

They eventually regained their composure, wiping their cheeks and breathing hard. Limonel sighed, “Well, Hooman, that name won’t do.” she snickered, I glowered, “It’s far too provocative. Your quest name shall be Shroom.”

I blinked, “Shroom?”

“Shroom.” She repeated with an air of finality. “Now, this is your gun.” She gestured towards the wooden water gun on the ground. I picked it up – it was surprisingly heavy and I could feel liquid inside, moving around. “What’s inside?”

“Acid.” Replied the stripy man decisively.

“Acid!?”

“Yep.”

“What kind?”

“The worst kind,” said Limonel gravely, “the kind that burns through your skin, seeps into your bones, corrodes your veins and sends you to a world of pain.”

“Oh.” I said softly, “What’s its name?”

“Salad dressing. And mayonnaise.”

I blinked, “Huh?”

Zucc nodded, “Mayonnaise.”

I looked down at the gun. “So, where is our quest?”

Limonel rolled her golden eyes, “In the enemy kingdom Shroom, keep up.”

I bristled at the name. “Which is?” my question had a startling effect on the four of them. They instantly stiffened, their faces becoming grave and serious. They assumed dramatic spy positions, clenching their fists and grinding their teeth. Limonel scowled, her eyes narrowed, “The Fruit Kingdom.” She spat; her voice heavy with disgust.

“The Fruit Kingdom?” I was surprised.

“Yessss.” Hissed Spig, his voice low.

“We’re going to kill the Fruit King?”

The four of them eased out of their positions, but they still stood tall and wary, as if on a battlefield. “As if you have the power to kill the king.” Limonel’s tone was clipped. “No, we’re going there to kill their secret weapon. The dragon.”

“Dragon?!” I squeaked, nearly dropping my mayonnaise gun. They stiffened again with a sharp intake of breath, almost folding into their positions. “Dragon.” Limonel agreed, her voice sombre, “It’s a violent and vicious beast, swift and dangerous. It has devoured countless brave, heroic soldiers.” She paused. The silence was heavy. Her hand brushed her scar, “That beast was the one to give me this scar. It’s a menace and it makes those fruits bold - no Vegitizen will be safe until it is dead.”

Asperal nodded, she voice was quiet and serious, “This is for the good of all Vegkind. If we forsake our lives in this noble endeavour – so be it.”

“Die!?!? We can DIE!?!?” I cried. I dropped the mayonnaise gun.

The four nodded solemnly – ignoring me. “The Dragon’s death shall be worth it.”

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!! We’re gonna kill a dragon!! A DRAGON!!!!” I was in a complete panic flailing around like a headless chicken.

“No.” said Limonel shortly, “You’re going to kill the dragon.”

“ME!?!?! IAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! I!?! ME!?!?! I! I! CAN’T KILL A DRAGON!!!!!” I shrieked, now definitely panicking. I was running around like a maniac when I tripped and fell.

THUD!

There I lay on the ground, in pain, confused and panicked scrabbling trying to get up. Asperal seemed to pity me, “Don’t worry, you'll do great! Hooman’s are great at killing things! And you're a magician!”