"Here goes nothing." She says as she walks up to the entrance. She stops and reads the faded sign above the looming metal gate. 'Black Crow School: Correctional High School'. The buildings rise above her as she walks through the wrought iron gate. She looks around at all of the puke colored buildings trying to find the one labelled administration. She finds it standing in the middle of all of the other buildings and standing taller than the rest. She wrings her wrists as she walks inside. Suddenly she is immersed in a sea of sound and she can feel her heart beat quicken as she nervously approaches the front desk.
"Excuse me. Can you tell me where new students need to go?" She asks the woman behind the counter. The woman points off to the right side of the desk and the girl looks over to see a large group of students standing and listening to an old mean looking woman who is giving instructions. "Thank you." She says as she moves over to the large group.
"Alright! New kids, throw your phones in this box and move to the sign in desk!" The woman yells. The students start to grumble and move forward in one line to drop their phones and get their papers. The girl stops in front of the woman but doesn't say anything.
"What do you want?" The woman asks sounding annoyed.
"I wasn't here when you announced the rules. Could you possibly tell me again?" She asks politely. The woman glares at her in annoyance.
"I don't repeat myself. You will just have to find out the hard way. Now, put your phone in the box and go sign in." The woman answers. The girl drops her phone in the box and falls in line with all of the other students. The students ahead of her look like they are just here to go to normal school. She on the other hand, is here because of disciplinary issues and will be watched rather closely.
"Excuse me." The woman behind the desk says snapping the girl out of her thoughts.
"I'm sorry, what?" The girl asks. The woman rolls her eyes.
"Name?" She asks again.
"Ivy." The girl says. The woman looks through her files until she pulls one out that has a shock collar wrapped around it.
"Ah. You're a trouble maker." The woman comments with a smirk handing the collar and folder over to Ivy. "Better not make any problems for us here." She finishes and hands Ivy a few more pieces of paper and a key. "I hope you like your new home." She sneers as Ivy walks away to find the new building she will be living in. The place that she will now call home.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Love it!
Your opening chapter Is remarkably fast and short. It is very straightforward, narrator tells me just what I need to know, nothing more nothing less.
You handled what little of world building there was very lovely. I know the world is dark and it is not going to be a pleasant journey.
Although less so with characters. For exemple that yelling woman is very caricaturish. You described her as "mean looking", which is too overly unambiguous, and line of dialogue you gave her was somewhat cringe worthy; but I understand, your style is fast paced and you cannot slow down to give me deep descriptions of a random character who might not even reappear. I get that, it is very subjective critique, I may not like but that's all, don't change it if you don't feel like doing so.
Ultimately I think you achieved what most first chapter are made to do, you managed to pull me in as a reader. I am somewhat interested who is Ivy, why is she here, etc...
Hi !
I like the chapter .
It's easy to understand yet beautifully written .
The pace is fast which is needed for a supernatural story .
The description isnicely done .The universe in which this takes place seems rather dark and it makes me wanna read more . The main character seems interesting .
I'm sure this will get better and better through the chapters .
Keep up the good work !
Hey, Kathryn! Welcome to the Young Writers Society, I hope you're enjoying yourself so far.
Your writing style is unique (and that's not a bad thing). Personally, I read it quite fast paced. The way you told us what happened, like the narrator is someone hovering over her, observing but not acting, added a horror touch. In fact, reading further, it's beginning to sound like a detective novel. Something bad is going to happen, am I right?
You did a good job with keeping things simple and moving, you told me exactly what I needed to know and nothing else, this helped to keep my pace going. I'm interested to know what got Ivy there in the first place, and that alone is something which would keep me reading. But what I really want to know is what that collar is for- is she expected to wear it? All shall be revealed in further chapters, I'm sure.
Greetings kathryn, pleased to meet you, and read your stuff. I am fond of you descriptions, but I would like it if you had more descriptions. I do not like how you put " I don't repeat myself. You will just have to find out..." I think it would be better if you either used contractions in both of these sentences, or neither. It does not sound like the woman has a set personality the way you have it. Believe it or not, speech has a really important part in helping readers discover a character's personality. You are spot on for the majority of your punctuation and capitalisation, which I like. Overall I think you have the beginnings of a nice novella book thing.