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Search For The Diamond Of The Deep book 1 Chapter 2

by FlamingPhoenix


Chapter 2

    

When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight. A fresh gust of wind blew in their scaly faces. As it did they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of flowers. Pink blossoms blossomed open in the sunlight.

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave to get away with going to see Blade.

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare.

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well in that case I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him “But before we go any were we should really decide what type of dragonets we won’t to protect the valley.” Diamond stated as she walked over to Scorch and stepped on his tale so he could not take off to the sky.

“Hmm Diamond has a point.” Smoke said walking out of the cave and stood next to Diamond smiling at her. “Um Diamond your still standing on Scorches tale.”

“Oh sorry!!!!” Diamond yelped in medially getting off of Scorches tale.

“So then what do you sugest Diamond.” Asked Scorch turning around to face the other two.

“Well I was thinking we could get six dragonets and since there is three of us we each get to pick two dragonets. So what do you think?” Asked Diamond looking at the other two hopefully.

“Well I think it sounds like a great idea.” Said Scorch cheering up.

“So I will pick first if that is okay with you guise.” Diamond pronounced.

“Well it was your idea so I gees you can pick the first two.” Scorch said agreeing to her idea.

“Okay well I have been thinking we should get a sea wing because us sea wings can see in the dark so I want to get a sea wing oh and we can glow when we wont too. Hmm… now I think I want a sand wing in the group too they can be very vices when they want to and with that weapon on the end of their tales can come in handy. Okay I think I have made up my mind now you guise can go.” Diamond told the others.

“Okay I will go next.” Scorch said scratching his head. “Hmm Diamond you chose two very well and you came up with some reasons why we should have thought kind of dragon. Hmm this is going to be tuff. Oh I have one we should get a lava wing us lava wings can walk threw fire and some things hotter then that. Oh and I think we should get a swamp wing yes I no they are dump but they are really good at hiding so I gees I have made up my mind.”

“You guise chose very good dragons. Oh I want to get a night wing because I know all night wings have a good sense on knowledge. Hmm and a razor wing I know that razor wings are great fliers and that means they can get away very easily and that is my pick” Smoke expressed. “We should really get going now that we have made up our minds.”

So all three dragons leapt in to the sapphire blue sky. As they flow over the village, they could see dragons opening their little stores, and young dragon’s playing in the brown, dusty streets. When the sun was come up the valley looked like it was made of sapphires.

“Tell me why we have to live in that dark, slimy and gross cave again, because I don’t see way we can’t live in the village?” questioned Diamond.

“You can ask the chef,” said Scorch turning his head towards her and giving her a cheeky grin.

“Well I like the cave and I think it is cosy. I don’t want to leave,” whined Smoke. He immediately went quiet again when Diamond twisted her head around to glare at him.

“I don’t think we will be going anywhere,” called Scorch from the front. When he turned around he gave Diamond a very strong look that told her to be quiet.

When they got to the razor wing village on the other side of the mountain, they landed in a small town.

“Now we need to know if he is in town,” said Smoke with fascination in his voice.

“We will go ask someone,” said Scorch, looking around.

“Well you can forget it, Scorch. I am not doing it,” shouted Diamond.

“Fine! I will just do it,” sighed Scorch, walking off.

“You know I would have done it, right?” squeaked Smoke, running after him.

“Will you be quiet before he changes his mind and makes me do it?” growled Diamond walking over to Smoke and looked down at him.

“Fine,” groaned Smoke backing up away from Diamond.

“That is better,” sighed Diamond and gave Smoke a grin.

“I am going to go ask someone if he is in town. So you guys stay here and I mean it Diamond?” Scorch shouted as he walked away.

“Ah, it is not fair,” grouched Diamond. “He is always in charge, and he always tells us what to do.”

“Ah, will you stop moaning all ready?” yelled Smoke.

“Oh, will you be quiet?” growled Diamond, giving him a glare.

Meanwhile Scorch was on his way to the centre of the little town. He looked up at the arctic blue sky, and there was not a cloud to be seen. The air smelt fresh and sweet. When he looked at the tiny cottages there was young dragonets running in and out of the long, rough wooded houses. Next to the wooden houses each dragon had a little store of their own.

“Now I need to find someone that can help me,” wondered Scorch, walking up a path.

“Uh, there is someone that can help me see if the chief is here,” said Scorch.

So Scorch walked over to this little wooden store and asked “Can you help me?”

“Sure,” said the red and orange dragon looking up. Her dusky black eyes looked straight at him with wonder.

“Okay I just want to know if chief Blade is here,” replied Scorch quickly.

“Yes he is here, and he is in the town hall,” answered the young pretty dragon.

“Thank you a lot. Um... I didn’t get your name,” questioned Scorch, looking at the strange dragon in front of him.

“Oh my name is Sapphire,” replied Sapphire, looking at Scorch with her black eyes.

“That is a nice name. Anyway, I need to get going. I hope I will see you around Sapphire,” said Scorch with a shiny, white, warm loving smile.

“Me too,” responded Sapphire with a smile. “Oh, but I didn’t get your name.”

“Oh I am sorry it is Scorch I am a lava wing,” replied Scorch.

“Oh….okay bye,” said Sapphire.

When they were done talking, Scorch took off into the sky and started looking for his friends. Meanwhile, Diamond was getting so inpatient that she'd started muttering to herself.

“What is taking him so long? He should be back by now?” snapped Diamond pacing up and down the dusty road. She stopping for a minute to look at the empty sky in search for Scorch.

“He will be back.” answered Smoke in his know-it-all tone of voice.

Not soon after that Smoke yelled, “He's back!”

“It is about time.” said Diamond.

“Okay, I am back. Sorry it took so long.” yelled Scorch.

“So do you know where he is?” asked Diamond.

“Yes he is in the town hall.” answered Scorch.

“Okay let’s get moving then” said Diamond, leaping into the sky.

The other two exchange glances and leapt into the sky to follow her.


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Thu May 19, 2016 10:36 pm
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ChieRynn says...



Howdy there jessiebear! (that rhymed…) I am reviewing. Duh. XD

First off, I noticed some little typos.
[quote[“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,”[/quote]
bark-dark

“But before we go any were we should really decide what type of dragonets we won’t to protect the valley.”

won’t-want
I would go through and re-check the document. It should find the other errors. The wonders of technology….

2. Grammar errors. You missed commas in some places- (example)
When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight.

You need a comma-
“When the storm had calmed down, the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave , and into the sunlight.”
The comma after “cave” is optional, but I personally think it sounds better with one.
There are a couple of more places with missing commas, but the general rule is that you put one after the end of each independent clause. https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/owlprint/607/

You switched punctuation in a couple places too.
“You are coming whether you like it all not,”

At the end of the sentence, there should be a period. There are a couple more of these in the document, but just go and find them, and put a period.

Missing period.
“Hmm Diamond has a point.”

After “hmm” there should be a period or an ellipsis.

I hope I wasn’t mean. REMEMBER. WE ALL DO THIS. Everyone makes mistakes and yours were NOT (by far) the worst I’ve seen.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK




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Thu May 19, 2016 10:35 pm
ChieRynn wrote a review...






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Thu May 05, 2016 6:02 am
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Greetings jessiebear, Kitty's here to write a review for your amazing novel!

Since the other reviewers did an amazing job in showing out grammar and punctuation errors, I thought to focus my review on other things such as characters and descriptions.

I really like your characters. They seem realistic but the dialogue bugged me a little. I'm not saying that your dialogue is bad or anything, it's really really good! But it seems a little, robotic. I think you've done a really amazing job with your dialogue when you fixed the first chapter so I think you've solved that problem by now. But I'm just going to give a few suggestions on how to right dialogue.

*when you're writing a conversation between your characters try to add their actions and a little description about the situation as well. I mean you can say that Diamond rolled her eyes when Smoke said something funny and annoying. I had the problem of using too much dialogue and less description. So I tried out writing my dialogue along with other details. Hmm, I think this is confusing, let me just show you a simple example.

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave.

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare.

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well in that case, I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him.


Spoiler! :
[b]“Ah it is good to be out of that dark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave. (one small problem here, if Diamond hated the cave why did she try to go in there again? this is a little confusing but you can keep it that way if you like :)

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare. Try adding a little description about the surrounding here, then both dialogue and descriptions will be well balanced

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well, in that case, I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him. hmm, you can write something like, 'Oh, fine!" grumbled Diamond as she got up lazily and dragged herself towards the edge of the cliff.' See? then the reader can get a better idea that Diamond doesn't like to go at all. You can completely ignore this point if you like.




*It's okay to make some of your characters a little funny or goofy if you like. For example, you can make Diamond seem more funny and a little bit rude by adding a few more details about her actions other than the dialogue. Find a unique was of speech for each character. That worked for me. (you've already done a good job with that, but there's room for improvement :).)

Spoiler! :
"I'm not in the mood to go, and if you don't mind I'll just stay inside the cave."
"Haha, what if we never find the dragonets and end up doing this job forever!"
"I'm not going to ask twice! This is very important, so quit messing around!"
Your three dragons are speaking these lines. (this is just an example!) Can you guess who's saying them? and do they match each character's personality?




Well, that's it about the dialogue and characters. I mean when I started talking about your dialogue I automatically talked about characters too! :D

Ah, there's a new character too! :D And I can't wait to learn more about her (I really like her name by the way!) :D

This is another interesting chapter and I can't wait to read the next one!
See you later!
writerkitty






Thank you very much for the review you don't now how much it meant to me thank you very much!!!



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felistia wrote a review...



Hi jessiebear, Felistia here with another review for you on this wonderful night. :D

Okay so first, I'm going to do a spell and grammar check for you. Then we'll get onto the good stuff. :D

When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight. A fresh gust of wind blew in their scaly faces. As it did they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of flowers. Pink blossoms blossomed open in the sunlight.

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave.

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare.

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well in that case I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him.

So all three dragons leapt in to the sapphire blue sky. As they flow over the village, they could see dragons opening their little stores, and young dragon’s playing in the brown, dusty streets. When the sun was come up the valley looked like it was made of sapphires.

“Tell me why we have to live in that dark, slimy and gross cave again, because I don’t see way we can’t live in the village?” questioned Diamond.

“You can ask the chef,” said Scorch turning his head towards her and giving her a cheeky grin.

“Well I like the cave and I think it is cosy. I don’t want to leave,” whined Smoke. He immediately went quiet again when Diamond twisted her head around to glare at him.

“I don’t think we will be going anywhere,” called Scorch from the front. When he turned around he gave Diamond a very strong look that told her to be quiet.

When they got to the razor wing village on the other side of the mountain, they landed in a small town.

“Now we need to know if he is in town,” said Smoke with fascination in his voice.

“We will go ask someone,” said Scorch, looking around.

“Well you can forget it, Scorch. I am not doing it,” shouted Diamond.

“Fine! I will just do it,” sighed Scorch, walking off.

“You know I would have done it, right?” squeaked Smoke, running after him.

“Will you be quiet before he changes his mind and makes me do it?” growled Diamond walking over to Smoke and looked down at him.

“Fine,” groaned Smoke backing up.

“That is better,” sighed Diamond and gave Smoke a grin.

“I am going to go ask someone if he is in town. So you guys stay here and I mean it Diamond?” Scorch shouted as he walked away.

“Ah, it is not fair,” grouched Diamond. “He is always in charge, and he always tells us what to do.”

“Ah, will you stop moaning all ready?” yelled Smoke.

“Oh, will you be quiet?” growled Diamond, giving him a glare.

Meanwhile Scorch was on his way to the centre of the little town. He looked up at the arctic blue sky, and there was not a cloud to be seen. The air smelt fresh and sweet. When he looked at the tiny cottages there was young dragonets running in and out of the long, rough wooded houses. Next to the wooden houses each dragon had a little store of their own.

“Now I need to find someone that can help me,” wondered Scorch, walking up a path.

“Uh, there is someone that can help me see if the chief is here,” said Scorch.

So Scorch walked over to this little wooden store and asked “Can you help me?”

“Sure,” said the red and orange dragon looking up. Her dusky black eyes looked straight at him with wonder.

“Okay I just want to know if chief Blade is here,” replied Scorch quickly.

“Yes he is here, and he is in the town hall,” answered the young pretty dragon.

“Thank you a lot. Um... I didn’t get your name,” questioned Scorch, looking at the strange dragon in front of him.

“Oh my name is Sapphire,” replied Sapphire, looking at Scorch with her black eyes.

“That is a nice name. Anyway, I need to get going. I hope I will see you around Sapphire,” said Scorch with a shiny, white, warm loving smile.

“Me too,” responded Sapphire with a smile. “Oh, but I didn’t get your name.”

“Oh I am sorry it is Scorch I am a lava wing,” replied Scorch.

“Oh….okay bye,” said Sapphire.

When they were done talking, Scorch took off into the sky and started looking for his friends. Meanwhile, Diamond was getting so inpatient that she'd started muttering to herself.

“What is taking him so long. He should be back by now?” snapped Diamond pacing up and down the dusty road. She stopping for a minute to look at the empty sky in search for Scorch.

“He will be back.” answered Smoke in his know-it-all tone of voice.

Not soon after that Smoke yelled, “He's back!”

“It is about time.” said Diamond.

“Okay, I am back. Sorry it took so long.” yelled Scorch.

“So do you know where he is?” asked Diamond.

“Yes he is in the town hall.” answered Scorch.

“Okay let’s get moving then” said Diamond, leaping into the sky.

The other two exchange glances and leapt into the sky to follow her.



When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight
I feel like you could take out the down in this sentence. You already said calmed and down just makes it feel strange. I also think you should take out either damp or dark. If you keep both of the words, it feels clunky. Try to keep away from adding double adjectives. :D

A fresh gust of wind blew in their scaly faces. As it did they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of flowers. Pink blossoms blossomed open in the sunlight.
This could all be one sentence with a bit of rearranging. :D
As they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of the pink blossoms blooming in the sunlight, a cool gust of wind blew in their scaly snouts. [\quote] This is a shorter than the sentence before, but it gets the same point across while reading smoothly. I changed the word fresh behind wind because you'd already used it for the blossoms. I also changed the word faces; it just feels a little awkward to read. Though out this chapter and the last one you use the word face a lot. Try to use a different word every now and then.

Scorch demanded stepping on her tale before she could go back into the cave.
This came across as strange. Diamond just said it was good to be out of the cave, so why is she trying to go straight back in? She also makes a statement later on that she really dislikes the cave..

As I said in the last chapter, your dialogue feels very robotic. Try cutting words down such as it is to it's or I will not to I won't. This is the biggest problem with your dialogue.

Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D




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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greetings from this side of the internet, Jessiebear! HolographicLadybug here for yet another review for you!

I'm going to try a new format for reviewing, so I hope this works! ^^

Spoiler! :
Legend:
Spelling is green
Punctuation is red
Random notes are blue


When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark and damp cave. They breathed in the fresh smell in the air. The grass was green and pink blossoms popped open on a blossom tree. Great job with opening with description! As a reader, I am instantly dragged in and want to hear more. Great job with that. :)

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,sighed Diamond.

“But we have some work to do we must go talk to the chief of the raiser wings,” Scorch demanded. Did you mean razor wings?

“Okay but I hope he is in a good mood to day I can’t tack him very series when he is in a grumpy mood,groaned Diamond.

“Well Scorch can’t be sure of that,squeaked Smoke, going back into the dark cave.

“Well in that case, I am not going and you can’t make me,growled Diamond.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,ordered Scorch.

“Oh fine,grumbled Diamond.

So all three dragons leapt in to the sapphire blue sky. Great! I can really see the sky! It's useful to describe when your characters are doing something. As they flew over the village, they saw dragons opening their little stores, and young dragon’s played in the brown, dusty streets. When the sun was come Did you mean coming? politely up, the valley really looked like it was Safires.

“Tell me why we have to live in that dark and slimy gross cave again because I don’t see way we can’t live in the village,questioned Diamond.

“You can ask the cheif,said Scorch.

“Well I like the cave and I think it is cosy. I don’t want to leave,whined Smoke.

“I don’t think we will be going anywhere,called Scorch from in front. When he turned around, he gave Diamond a very strong look.

When they got to the raiser wing village on the other side of the mountain, they landed in a little town.

What would be best right now is to describe the town. I suggest doing it in greater detail than you did with the other. For example, what are the dragons in the town doing? What are the houses like? It would be best to get some imagery of it before we move on. All it needs to be is in it's new paragraph.

“Now we need to know if he is in town,said Smoke.

“We will go ask someone,said Scorch.

“Well you can forget it Scorch I am not doing it,shouted Diamond.

“Fine, I will do it,said Scorch. Unless, of course, you meant sided, but that wouldn't work too well in this context.

“You now I would have done it [color=red],
asked Smoke.

“Will you be quiet be for he changes his mind and makes me do it,growled Diamond and gave Smoke a very strong look.

“Fine,groaned Smoke.

“That is better,said Diamond and gave Smoke a grin.

“I am going to go ask someone if he is in town. So you guys stay here and I mean it Diamond,” Scorch shouted as he walked away.

“Ah it is not fear,grouched Diamond. “He is all ways in charge, and he all ways tells us what to do.”

“Ah will you stop moaning all ready[color=red],yelled Smoke.

“Oh will you be quiet?screamed Diamond and gave him a glare.

On the other claw, Scorch was on his way to the center of the little town. Two things here. 1.) I love how you used a term that would apply to a dragon (on the other claw), but that would usually mean (for humans) on the other hand, which means something like on the other side of the argument. Meanwhile would work better because it's happening at the same time. 2.) You described the town earlier in this chapter as little, but then this one as little as well. This can get somewhat confusing, so I don't really recommend calling this one little either. How about a different word? He looked up at the arctic blue sky, and there was not a cloud to be seen. The air smelt fresh and sweet. When he looked at the tiny cotches(?) there were young dragonets running in and out of the long, rough wooded houses. Next to the little wooden houses, each dragon had a little store of their own. There they sold their own food vestibule are meet. Ah, I see that you describe it now. (Can you tell that I'm reading as I'm going along?) Because you describe everything here, I would still recommend describing a little where I suggested earlier just so we get a taste of the village.

“Now I need to find someone that can help me,wondered Scorch.

“Uh, there is some one that can help me see if the chief is here,said Scorch.

So Scorch walked over to this little brown, wooden store and asked, “Can you help me?

Sure,said the red and orange dragon.

“Okay I just want to know if chief Blade is here,replied Scorch.

“Yes he is here, and he is in the town hall,answered the young pretty dragon.

“Thank you a lot. Um... I didn’t catch your name,questioned Scorch looking at the strange dragon in front of him.

“Oh my name is Safire,replied Safire looking at Scorch with her indigo eyes. Love the description of her eyes.

“That is pretty name. Anyway, I need to get going. I hope I will see you around Safire,said Scorch with a shiny, white, warm, loving smile.

“Me too,responded Safire with a smile. We already know that he is smiling. “Oh but I didn’t get your name.”

“Oh I am sorry it is Scorch. I am a laver wing,replied Scorch.

“Okay bye,said Safire.

When they were done talking, Scorch took off to the sky and started looking for his friends. On the other talon Diamond was getting in patient.

“What is tacking him so long he should be back buy now?” snapped Diamond. She looked at the empty sky looking for Scorch.

“He will be back,answered Smoke.

No soon after that[color=red[,[/color] Smoke yelled “His back!”

“It is about time,replied Demined.

“Okay I am back. Sorry it took so long,yelled Scorch.

“So do you know where he is?” asked Diamond.

“Yes he is in the town hall,answered Scorch.

So all three dragons took off to the blue empty cloudless sky again and started to fly to the town hall in the center of the little dusty town. The previous town was described the same way. To avoid confusion, you should probably describe I as something else.

A few last things:
The prologue in this case seems irrelevant, meaning that you have to read it in order to understand what is going on. But because not a lot of people read them, anyone who skips to chapter one (or who just reads this, not realizing that there is one) will be confused. I really recommend making that chapter one and this chapter two. Not only those reasons, but they are also directly linked.
Secondly, you oftentimes have "Scorch said" or "Diamond said" or "Safire said". Just the names. Nothing else. You know, you can sometimes use "he said" and "she said". Because Diamond is the only girl for the first part of the chapter, you can get away with "she said" a lot, but not as much with "he said". Furthermore, make sure that we don't get confused between who is talking. If you use "he said" for Scorch and then mention Smoke, don't use "he said" again unless Smoke is talking because out attention is focused on him and it can get confusing.
Spoiler! :
Example:
Diamond lashed her tail angrily, sending Smoke skittering away in fright.
"Give me the last cookie or else!" she screamed.
"Make me," Scorch challenged.
While they were distracted, Smoke snatched the cookie from the plate, chomping it down quickly, his mouth salivating at the chocolatey goodness.
"I want that cookie..." Scorch growled.
"Well I want it more!" Diamond barked, lunging at Scorch and sending them both toppling to the floor.
"Let go of me!" he grunted, trying to push her away.
"Can't make me!" she sniffed.
Meanwhile, Smoke was smirking as he licked his talons and listened to the others quarrel.

At the same time, I love how you use different words for your dialogue. The word 'said' is used way too commonly by some writers, while you don't use I all the time. It's wonderful how we get to hear what kinds of voices they are using in the story. Thanks to you, you show us and guide us. You've got a pretty good sense of dialogue.
On the same topic of dialogue, you don't always have to use "they said", "they replied", "they growled", etc. This applies specifically to Scorch's conversation with Safire. During a conversation with two characters, you don't always need to have the tag nd just let them have their dialogue. Of corse, to refresh who's talking when, it's best to use some body language or something.
Spoiler! :
Here's an example:
"You WHAT?!" Diamond screeched.
"Did... Did you do what you think you did?" Scorch growled threateningly.
Smoke shrugged. "Yes, I ate the last cookie." He licked his lips. "No regrets."
Diamond's face switched from eleven different shades of red at a time as her jaws opened and closed furiously as if she wanted to scream and yell and swear at him so badly that she couldn't. Suddenly, she went cross-eyed and passed out.
"Look at what you did!" Scorch yelled.
"What did I do?" Smoke replied innocently.
"She died of rage!" Tears were starting to form in the laver wing's eyes.
"No she didn't! She just passed out!"
"How do you know? Are you some kind of doctor or something?"
"No."
"Then how can you tell?"
"Her--"
"How?"
"H--"
"HOW?!"
"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME EXPLAIN ALREADY?!" Smoke screamed, throwing up his talons. He then pointed at her chest. "Her chest is rising and falling. See?"
Scorch's face turned red with embarrassment. "Oh-oh, right I knew that."

Finally, I can tell that you're good at describing things, but I don't find that you're describing them enough. Don't be afraid to use words or imagery to make us see what your characters and places look like. I would really like to know what Razor Wings look like, so try describing one of them and go from there. :)

Well, that's it from me! I hope my review has been somewhat useful to you, jessiebear. ^^
Stay awesome and have an amazing time of day!
~HolographicLadybug!






Thank you for your grate review the way you did it was fan tactic grate job.





Thank you!



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Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:18 pm
FeatherPen wrote a review...



Hello Jessi Bear,
There was not any spelling that were wrong, just a few that were spelt correctly but probably not what you meant. Below I have corrected them in italics commented on the bolded parts.

Spoiler! :
When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark and damp cave. They breathed in the fresh smell in the air. The grass was green and pink blossoms popped open on a blossom tree.
“Ah it is good to be out of that dark and stinky cave.” sighedDiamond.
“But we have some work to do we must go talk to the chief of the raiser wings.” Scorch demanded.
“Okay but I hope he is in a good mood today I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood.” Groaned Diamond.
“Well Scorch can’t be sure of that.” Squeaked Smoke then going back (you can cut it to ‘going back’ )into the darkcave.
“Well in that case I am not going and you can’t make me.” Growled Diamond.
“You are coming whether you like it all not.” Ordered Scorch.
“Oh fine.” Grumbled Diamond.
So all three dragons leapt in to the sapphire blue sky. As they flew over the village they can see (past tense ‘they saw’ ) dragons opening there little stores, and young dragon’s played in the brown, dusty streets. When the sun was come politely up(maybe ‘as the sun came politely up’ or ‘once the sun came politely up and’ or maybe you mean completely) the valley really looked like it was Safire’s.
“Tell me whywe have to live in that dark and slimy gross cave again because I don’t see whywe can’t live in the village.” Questioned Diamond.
“You can ask the chief .” Said Scorch.
“Well I like the cave and I think it is cosy I don’t want to leave.” whinedSmoke.
“I don’t think we will be going anywhere.” Called Scorch from in front. When he turned around he gave Diamond a very strong look. (try another description because strong breaks up your flow, meaning full stare, penetrating glare are replacements)
When they got to the razor wing village on the other side of the mountain they landed in a little town.
“Now we need to know if he is in town.” Said Smoke.
“We will go ask someone.” Said Scorch.
“Well you can forget it Scorch I am not doing it.” Shouted Diamond.
“Fine I will do it.” sighed Scorch.
“You now I would have done it.” Asked(if you use asked you need a question mark) Smoke.
“Will you be quiet before he changes his mind and makes me do it.” Growled Diamond and gave Smoke a very strong (glaring, meaningful) look.
“Fine.” Groaned Smoke.
“That is better .” sighed Diamond and gave Smoke a grin.
“I am going to go ask someone if he is in town. So you guys stay here and I mean it Diamond.” Scorch shouted as he walked away.
“Ah it is not fair .” Grouched Diamond. “He is always in charge, and he always tells us what to do.”
“Ah will you stop moaning already .” Yelled Smoke.
“Oh will you be quiet.” Scrammed Diamond and gave him a glare.
On the other claw (I really like this detail) Scorch was on his way to the ??? of the little town. He looked up at the arctic blue sky, and there was not a cloud to be seen . The air smelt fresh and sweet. When he looked at the tiny cottages there were young dragonets running in and out of the long, ruff wooded houses. Next to the little wooden houses each dragon had a little store of their own. There they sold their own food vegetables are meat .
“Now I need to find someone that can help me.” Wondered Scorch.
“Uh there is some one that can help me see if the chief is here.” Said Scorch.
So Scorch walked over to this little brown, wooden store and asked “Can you help me.”
Sure .” Said the red and orange dragon.
Okay (thankyou or thanks, is what I would say) I just want to know if chief Blade is here.” Replied Scorch.
“Yes he is here, and he is in the town hall.” Answered the young “??? ” dragon.
“Thank you a lot. Um... I didn’t catch your name.” Questioned Scorch looking at the strange dragon in front of him.
“Oh my name is Safire.” Replied Safire looking at Scorch with her indigo eyes.
“That is a pretty name. Any way I need to get going I hope I will see you around Safire.” Said Scorch with a shiny, white, warm loving smile.
“Me too.” Responded Safire with a smile. “Oh but I didn’t get your name.”
“Oh I am sorry it is Scorch I am a lava wing.” Replied Scorch.
“Okay bye .” Said Safire.
When they were done talking Scorch took off to the sky and started looking for his friends. On the other talon Diamond was getting impatient .
“What is taking him so long he should be back by now?” Snapped Diamond. She looked at the empty sky looking for Scorch.
“He will be back.” Answered Smoke.
No soon after that Smoke yelled “His back!”
“It is about time.” Replied Diamond ..
“Okay I am back. Sorry it took so long.” Yelled Scorch.
“So do you know where he is?” Asked Diamond .
“Yes he is in the town hall.” Answered Scorch.
So all three dragons took off to the blue empty cloudless sky again and started to fly to the town hall in the centre of the little dusty town.


My main recommendation is adding more description around your dialogue tags. You have done a good job creating variance with them (Yelled, Demanded, wondered), however adding more body language and description of scenery will make your story stronger.
At the end of quotation marks the tag does not need to be capitalised eg; town hall.” Answered Scorch. Becomes town hall,” answered Scorch. (with a comma as opposed to full stop)
Other than that I can’t find anything to review that I didn’t point out on the first draft.
My favourite part is still how separate each of the characters personalities and reactions are.
All the best, Ferran






Thank you a lot the review was grate.





Oh and there is a prolong.



FerranWright says...


I saw but I think I wrote all i could as a review in the one I PMed you





I no but this was still a grate review.




Oh gosh this is so far from a lemur. That's pitiful.
— Jack Hanna