Young Writers Society

Howdy there jessiebear! (that rhymed…) I am reviewing. Duh. XD

First off, I noticed some little typos.
[quote[“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,”[/quote]
bark-dark

“But before we go any were we should really decide what type of dragonets we won’t to protect the valley.”

When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,”

“Hmm Diamond has a point.”

Greetings jessiebear, Kitty's here to write a review for your amazing novel!

Since the other reviewers did an amazing job in showing out grammar and punctuation errors, I thought to focus my review on other things such as characters and descriptions.

I really like your characters. They seem realistic but the dialogue bugged me a little. I'm not saying that your dialogue is bad or anything, it's really really good! But it seems a little, robotic. I think you've done a really amazing job with your dialogue when you fixed the first chapter so I think you've solved that problem by now. But I'm just going to give a few suggestions on how to right dialogue.

*when you're writing a conversation between your characters try to add their actions and a little description about the situation as well. I mean you can say that Diamond rolled her eyes when Smoke said something funny and annoying. I had the problem of using too much dialogue and less description. So I tried out writing my dialogue along with other details. Hmm, I think this is confusing, let me just show you a simple example.

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave.

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare.

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well in that case, I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him.

Spoiler! :

[b]“Ah it is good to be out of that dark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave. (one small problem here, if Diamond hated the cave why did she try to go in there again? this is a little confusing but you can keep it that way if you like

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare. Try adding a little description about the surrounding here, then both dialogue and descriptions will be well balanced

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well, in that case, I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him. hmm, you can write something like, 'Oh, fine!" grumbled Diamond as she got up lazily and dragged herself towards the edge of the cliff.' See? then the reader can get a better idea that Diamond doesn't like to go at all. You can completely ignore this point if you like.

Hi jessiebear, Felistia here with another review for you on this wonderful night.

Okay so first, I'm going to do a spell and grammar check for you. Then we'll get onto the good stuff.

When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight. A fresh gust of wind blew in their scaly faces. As it did they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of flowers. Pink blossoms blossomed open in the sunlight.

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,” Sighed Diamond with a smile on her blue, scaled face.

“But we have some work to do. We must go talk to the chief of the razor wings.” Scorch demanded, stepping on her tail before she could go back into the cave.

“Okay, but I hope he is in a good mood today. I can’t take him very seriously when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond and the smile disappeared from her face and turned into a glare.

“Well, Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, before going back into the dark cave where he could blend into the shadows.

“Well in that case I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond, sitting down stubbornly.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch, walking towards the cliff edge.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond, beginning to follow him.

So all three dragons leapt in to the sapphire blue sky. As they flow over the village, they could see dragons opening their little stores, and young dragon’s playing in the brown, dusty streets. When the sun was come up the valley looked like it was made of sapphires.

“Tell me why we have to live in that dark, slimy and gross cave again, because I don’t see way we can’t live in the village?” questioned Diamond.

“You can ask the chef,” said Scorch turning his head towards her and giving her a cheeky grin.

“Well I like the cave and I think it is cosy. I don’t want to leave,” whined Smoke. He immediately went quiet again when Diamond twisted her head around to glare at him.

“I don’t think we will be going anywhere,” called Scorch from the front. When he turned around he gave Diamond a very strong look that told her to be quiet.

When they got to the razor wing village on the other side of the mountain, they landed in a small town.

“Now we need to know if he is in town,” said Smoke with fascination in his voice.

“We will go ask someone,” said Scorch, looking around.

“Well you can forget it, Scorch. I am not doing it,” shouted Diamond.

“Fine! I will just do it,” sighed Scorch, walking off.

“You know I would have done it, right?” squeaked Smoke, running after him.

“Will you be quiet before he changes his mind and makes me do it?” growled Diamond walking over to Smoke and looked down at him.

“Fine,” groaned Smoke backing up.

“That is better,” sighed Diamond and gave Smoke a grin.

“I am going to go ask someone if he is in town. So you guys stay here and I mean it Diamond?” Scorch shouted as he walked away.

“Ah, it is not fair,” grouched Diamond. “He is always in charge, and he always tells us what to do.”

“Ah, will you stop moaning all ready?” yelled Smoke.

“Oh, will you be quiet?” growled Diamond, giving him a glare.

Meanwhile Scorch was on his way to the centre of the little town. He looked up at the arctic blue sky, and there was not a cloud to be seen. The air smelt fresh and sweet. When he looked at the tiny cottages there was young dragonets running in and out of the long, rough wooded houses. Next to the wooden houses each dragon had a little store of their own.

“Now I need to find someone that can help me,” wondered Scorch, walking up a path.

“Uh, there is someone that can help me see if the chief is here,” said Scorch.

So Scorch walked over to this little wooden store and asked “Can you help me?”

“Sure,” said the red and orange dragon looking up. Her dusky black eyes looked straight at him with wonder.

“Okay I just want to know if chief Blade is here,” replied Scorch quickly.

“Yes he is here, and he is in the town hall,” answered the young pretty dragon.

“Thank you a lot. Um... I didn’t get your name,” questioned Scorch, looking at the strange dragon in front of him.

“Oh my name is Sapphire,” replied Sapphire, looking at Scorch with her black eyes.

“That is a nice name. Anyway, I need to get going. I hope I will see you around Sapphire,” said Scorch with a shiny, white, warm loving smile.

“Me too,” responded Sapphire with a smile. “Oh, but I didn’t get your name.”

“Oh I am sorry it is Scorch I am a lava wing,” replied Scorch.

“Oh….okay bye,” said Sapphire.

When they were done talking, Scorch took off into the sky and started looking for his friends. Meanwhile, Diamond was getting so inpatient that she'd started muttering to herself.

“What is taking him so long. He should be back by now?” snapped Diamond pacing up and down the dusty road. She stopping for a minute to look at the empty sky in search for Scorch.

“He will be back.” answered Smoke in his know-it-all tone of voice.

Not soon after that Smoke yelled, “He's back!”

“It is about time.” said Diamond.

“Okay, I am back. Sorry it took so long.” yelled Scorch.

“So do you know where he is?” asked Diamond.

“Yes he is in the town hall.” answered Scorch.

“Okay let’s get moving then” said Diamond, leaping into the sky.

The other two exchange glances and leapt into the sky to follow her.

When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark, damp cave and into the sunlight

A fresh gust of wind blew in their scaly faces. As it did they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of flowers. Pink blossoms blossomed open in the sunlight.

As they slowly breathed in the fresh smell of the pink blossoms blooming in the sunlight, a cool gust of wind blew in their scaly snouts. [\quote] This is a shorter than the sentence before, but it gets the same point across while reading smoothly. I changed the word fresh behind wind because you'd already used it for the blossoms. I also changed the word faces; it just feels a little awkward to read. Though out this chapter and the last one you use the word face a lot. Try to use a different word every now and then.

Scorch demanded stepping on her tale before she could go back into the cave.

Greetings from this side of the internet, Jessiebear! HolographicLadybug here for yet another review for you!

I'm going to try a new format for reviewing, so I hope this works! ^^

When the storm had calmed down the three dragons stepped out of the dark and damp cave. They breathed in the fresh smell in the air. The grass was green and pink blossoms popped open on a blossom tree. Great job with opening with description! As a reader, I am instantly dragged in and want to hear more. Great job with that.

“Ah it is good to be out of that bark and stinky cave,” sighed Diamond.

“But we have some work to do we must go talk to the chief of the raiser wings,” Scorch demanded. Did you mean razor wings?

“Okay but I hope he is in a good mood to day I can’t tack him very series when he is in a grumpy mood,” groaned Diamond.

“Well Scorch can’t be sure of that,” squeaked Smoke, going back into the dark cave.

“Well in that case, I am not going and you can’t make me,” growled Diamond.

“You are coming whether you like it all not,” ordered Scorch.

“Oh fine,” grumbled Diamond.

So all three dragons leapt in to the sapphire blue sky. Great! I can really see the sky! It's useful to describe when your characters are doing something. As they flew over the village, they saw dragons opening their little stores, and young dragon’s played in the brown, dusty streets. When the sun was come Did you mean coming? politely up, the valley really looked like it was Safires.

“Tell me why we have to live in that dark and slimy gross cave again because I don’t see way we can’t live in the village,” questioned Diamond.

“You can ask the cheif,” said Scorch.

“Well I like the cave and I think it is cosy. I don’t want to leave,” whined Smoke.

“I don’t think we will be going anywhere,” called Scorch from in front. When he turned around, he gave Diamond a very strong look.

When they got to the raiser wing village on the other side of the mountain, they landed in a little town.

What would be best right now is to describe the town. I suggest doing it in greater detail than you did with the other. For example, what are the dragons in the town doing? What are the houses like? It would be best to get some imagery of it before we move on. All it needs to be is in it's new paragraph.

“Now we need to know if he is in town,” said Smoke.

“We will go ask someone,” said Scorch.

“Well you can forget it Scorch I am not doing it,” shouted Diamond.

“Fine, I will do it,” said Scorch. Unless, of course, you meant sided, but that wouldn't work too well in this context.

“You now I would have done it [color=red],” asked Smoke.

“Will you be quiet be for he changes his mind and makes me do it,” growled Diamond and gave Smoke a very strong look.

“Fine,” groaned Smoke.

“That is better,” said Diamond and gave Smoke a grin.

“I am going to go ask someone if he is in town. So you guys stay here and I mean it Diamond,” Scorch shouted as he walked away.

“Ah it is not fear,” grouched Diamond. “He is all ways in charge, and he all ways tells us what to do.”

“Ah will you stop moaning all ready[color=red],” yelled Smoke.

“Oh will you be quiet?” screamed Diamond and gave him a glare.

On the other claw, Scorch was on his way to the center of the little town. Two things here. 1.) I love how you used a term that would apply to a dragon (on the other claw), but that would usually mean (for humans) on the other hand, which means something like on the other side of the argument. Meanwhile would work better because it's happening at the same time. 2.) You described the town earlier in this chapter as little, but then this one as little as well. This can get somewhat confusing, so I don't really recommend calling this one little either. How about a different word? He looked up at the arctic blue sky, and there was not a cloud to be seen. The air smelt fresh and sweet. When he looked at the tiny cotches(?) there were young dragonets running in and out of the long, rough wooded houses. Next to the little wooden houses, each dragon had a little store of their own. There they sold their own food vestibule are meet. Ah, I see that you describe it now. (Can you tell that I'm reading as I'm going along?) Because you describe everything here, I would still recommend describing a little where I suggested earlier just so we get a taste of the village.

“Now I need to find someone that can help me,” wondered Scorch.

“Uh, there is some one that can help me see if the chief is here,” said Scorch.

So Scorch walked over to this little brown, wooden store and asked, “Can you help me?”

“Sure,” said the red and orange dragon.

“Okay I just want to know if chief Blade is here,” replied Scorch.

“Yes he is here, and he is in the town hall,” answered the young pretty dragon.

“Thank you a lot. Um... I didn’t catch your name,” questioned Scorch looking at the strange dragon in front of him.

“Oh my name is Safire,” replied Safire looking at Scorch with her indigo eyes. Love the description of her eyes.

“That is pretty name. Anyway, I need to get going. I hope I will see you around Safire,” said Scorch with a shiny, white, warm, loving smile.

“Me too,” responded Safire with a smile. We already know that he is smiling. “Oh but I didn’t get your name.”

“Oh I am sorry it is Scorch. I am a laver wing,” replied Scorch.

“Okay bye,” said Safire.

When they were done talking, Scorch took off to the sky and started looking for his friends. On the other talon Diamond was getting in patient.

“What is tacking him so long he should be back buy now?” snapped Diamond. She looked at the empty sky looking for Scorch.

“He will be back,” answered Smoke.

No soon after that[color=red[,[/color] Smoke yelled “His back!”

“It is about time,” replied Demined.

“Okay I am back. Sorry it took so long,” yelled Scorch.

“So do you know where he is?” asked Diamond.

“Yes he is in the town hall,” answered Scorch.

So all three dragons took off to the blue empty cloudless sky again and started to fly to the town hall in the center of the little dusty town. The previous town was described the same way. To avoid confusion, you should probably describe I as something else.

Hello Jessi Bear,
There was not any spelling that were wrong, just a few that were spelt correctly but probably not what you meant. Below I have corrected them in italics commented on the bolded parts.