Literature published here,
Whence comes constraint?
Litigiousness of living now,
How are we lavish?
*
Ten tens less a point,
Tribute to the room of leaves.
Ten tenths less a dollar,
For the afternoon lunch.
*
Verses fresh a start,
A futile, petite rant.
Candle flames of insurgence,
Against foreign darkness.
*
Four comments a pair,
Only a work shall show.
Ten years a pair,
Only a servant shall he know.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Jedd,
There is humor in this and I appreciate that and I also kind of like how "riddle-y" it sounds, it's got a voice of it's own and there's charm in it. My gripes though is that it hardly seems like it's an authentic voice. Rather, it seems like many of the words were ripped out of a thesaurus and pieced in here without regards to flow or context. The use of "whence" for example in that second line is extremely, horrendously archaic for a poem about ...well, an online reviewing site xD
I think that there's an intention here for mystery and for giving off an air of mystery and the thing about mystery is that it calls for a delicate balancing act. Too much mystery and you're alienating your readers with too much vagueness and confusion and too little substance, and too little, and it's like a poorly done magic trick. Boring at best. So, that middle path is difficult to accomplish. The thing to keep in mind is that we never want to be obtuse. Mystery is not synonymous with cloudiness. Mystery evokes cloudiness (or hidden depths, etc), but the poem should still be clear.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you need to chat this one up.
~ as always, Audy
Hello, #FF00FF ">@jedd
This is @Swordfish here with a review on your poem~
Okay, so you are new to Young Writers Society, so that seems awesome! The best advice I have to newcomers to Young Writer's Society is to explore the site a bit, go to chat, and wander throughout the forums.
I decided to review this after you tried to review your own work, and I felt bad so I thought I'd give you a review (I'd have to do one, anyway). Um, this poem feels weird, because it's about the point cost and it has been this way for a long time. I remember when I first joined, and the point cost was weird and I kept thinking it changed and I was such a poor, helpless new fellow. Now I feel stupid. Enough about that, time for the actual review~
Alright, I kind of want to nitpick this.
I honestly do not know what you are trying to say with this. What are you trying to say when you are referencing servants? What do you mean by "ten years a pair"? I feel like you wanted to say something, but you didn't say it correctly. Maybe I would make the understandable.
I don't know what to say about the rhyming scheme, that's all over the place, so I think I'm just going to leave that alone. The formatting is fine, and the last stanza looks like a stanza in a sonnet, if I'm correct about that (I'm still not an authority on poetry).
This was short, so there isn't much to review. Some parts of the poem were hard to understand, and I feel as if it could be more simple. I'm not touching all of the poem because there isn't much to touch, so why not wrap up the review here.
Keep on writing!
~Swordfish
About the title- the point cost- I just wanted to post something and I didn't know what to write, then I saw it. 'The current cost for submitting a new work is 200 points.' So I decided to write about it. I don't even know.
That last paragraph is too carried away I guess. Four comments a pair means 8 comments -I thought one review was worth 25 points at that time- only you can earn enough points to post a work. You might have realized the last two verses of every paragraph are related to society, and here I think I could've made it clearer. Ten years a pair means 20 years, and it's directed towards the years only for education that prepares us to get a job, get money, be a servant to society -only a servant shall he know means then only does he realized he's trained to be a servant. Should've changed it to 'Only service shall he know.'
Was it be fun to some extent decoding these verses?
I don't really know much about poem structures now, I'll just write.
Thanks Swordfish for the review!
This is so creative and relatable!
I might have to try it, tell me if it works! or you can fill space in reviews with nonsense words! XD
I just joined the sight and I am already working hard to earn coins! The reason I joined was because the sight I was previously on is for the most part abandoned. I understand that adding the coins into the sight makes it more reliable, busy, and helpful. It is hard work though! anyway, enough about me! I love this piece because its about something that is on the mind of everyone who reads it on this sight! It's a seemingly annoying idea, but you turned it into a beautiful piece of writing. Each line and quartet intriguing and involves some thought and requires some thought to understand. Some of the word choices and vocabulary reminds me of old Elizabethan English, like Shakespeare! I don't know if this was purposeful, but it is very beautiful. It is almost like a sonnet, though the rhyme scheme within the quartets are AABB instead of ABAB and with couplet at the end. It is fine how it is, but a suggestion for you in the future is to try writing sonnets if you have not already!
I am so jealous of your vocabulary! As one who struggles with words, I had to look up some of the words I did not know. I love the flow of the first first quatrain, and I took it to mean something like... for creating and sharing literature/art is there should not be a toll, or a setback. We are going through tests in order to participate in our art form. Creating is not a luxury, we are not spoiled with it or have to buy it.
btw, I love the idea of writing a review for you're own work!
Amazing job,
Happy writing!!
-Penelope
Those warm comments. Thanks, that burst of absolute happiness...something not so easily found anywhere :')
I don't know much about poems, sonnets or couplets, this is my first poem. First one published, anyway.
About the vocabulary, it was through years of learning new words day by day and through burning hell of practice that I- nah, I used a thesaurus.
Thanks for the heartwarming review Pen!
Just reviewing my own work, just want to see if I can get points.
This poems is a reflective comedy or something.
I was new then, I thought one review=25 points, if you're wondering.
Yes, the verses make sense.
I just wanted to post something so bad.
And now I have nothing to say.
I hope I get a hundred points for this.
Oh man, minimum length is 250 characters.
jedd, You do not get points by writing a review to your own work.
This is cool tho.