The Mongolian Terror
Bang! The door went flying into the small home. “HELP” shouted Chang. Lee was getting a sword to fight Kublai before he kills Chang. He grabbed it and ran toward him to save his little brother. When he got there Khan said “This is what happens when you steal from the Mongols.” Then he broke his neck. “NOOOOO!!!!” shouted Lee. Then he jumped out the window before Kublai would kill him too and ran. He kept running and running until he was Kilometers away from his small home town.
That night in a field Lee wept that he couldn't save his brother. He then swore to himself that he would get revenge on Kublai Khan The emperor
“Khan must pay for what he did to Chang”
Kublai Khan was once his friend. They had known eachother since they were kids because their parents were friends. Kublai Khan always hated Chang since he accidentally gave him a scar with a sword when Chang was 4. He was just playing. Lee thought that Khan would not keep that grudge and forgive him, Now he knew that and he was going to kill him by breaking his neck like he did to Chang.
Lee finally entered a village near Zou that he might be able to find people that had food that he could steal. He smelled steaming hot rice. He can taste the warm thin white seeds on his tongue. He longed for it There was a house that seemed easy enough to steal food from because the door was unlocked. He entered there and there was an old man just looking at him. He started to run but the old man locked him in the house
“Why are you trying to steal from your elders?”
“ I need food and you have some” Said Lee
“That is not a way to treat your elders who are superior to you” The old man said
“I don't care about elders”
“ Have you learned nothing about confucianism”
“I don't care about it anymore. “ Lee told the man “ Kublai Khan killed my brother”
“The Mongols think that they follow confucianism but not even Confucius the founder of the religion would say that” Said the man
“ I need to stop talking I got to get to Beijing” Lee told him.
“What a coincidence I have to go there also”
“I need to go alone I am going to Kill Kublai Khan” Lee said “now give me food and I will be on my way. Don't make me kill you!”
“ I can fight much better than you,you know that. I will give you food if you let me accompany you to Beijing” Lee thought about it.
“Fine” He said “ But don't get in my way”
“Wouldn't dream of it” he said
They travel only at at night just incase a mongol that knew Lee told Khan they were traveling toward Beijing.
“ I haven't properly introduced myself my name is Nergui.I teach confucianism ”
“You're a mongol”
“ No I don't have a name so I am Nergui I am Half Mongol Half Chinese I don't support anything the Mongols are doing though.”
“Good” said Lee “I am Lee” “ Nice to meet you Lee” Said Nergui “You are treating your Elders well by not shouting at me like earlier . You are using Confucianism. It is all about respect. You are being respectful by asking questions kindly” Nergui told him “Huh said Lee.
“Do you follow Neo- Confucianism or Confucianism?” Lee asked that night.
“That Mongol made religion is the dumbest idea I ever heard.Confucius is a wise person he would agree with me on that. He says there are 5 main relationships.They Father and son, Ruler and Subject, Elder and Junior, Older Brother and little Brother, and Husband and Wife. Confucius believe that we should respect our elders and treat those below us well The mongols do not respect the Chinese like that”
“Like Khan”Lee said
They traveled for several days and nights. but finally they reach the great city of Beijing
“ I guess we part ways now.” said Nergui “ Remember Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
“Confucius said that” said Lee
“Yes he did” said Nergui. “Goodbye Lee and good luck. I agree with you the Chinese need a better ruler.”
“You don't get to say that.”
They turned around and saw Kublai Khan
“Lee you just killed this man.”
He stabbed him in the chest” Nergui face turned white. Blood was filling his mouth. He was obviously dying.But before he did he spit blood in Khan's face. Then he dropped to the floor dead.
“KHAN!!!!” shouted Lee
“Lee we can still work together. China needs help and what is a better way to convince them than someone in their own race. You may think I killed Cang and that old fool for no reason. I am telling you now I killed them for being traitors ”
“They were not Traitors to China”
They drew their swords and started fighting. But Kublai Khan was better with ease he cut off his hand
“No THATS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!” shouted Lee.
”That was too easy” says Khan
Then, like Chang he broke his neck.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Jackson,
Great story. I loved your use of "showing, not telling" throughout the book. Your historical content was informative, though I wonder if you could have incorporated it into the story a bit more subtly. The only real issue with this writing is the constant grammatical errors. Be sure to check capitalization at the beginning of some sentences and names. There were also missing commas and periods through the whole story, and lastly, when you are making a quote, be sure to add a comma before the end quote like this:
"That was too easy," says Khan
But other than that, very compelling plot and I particularly liked how the story was in media res form. Seems like a good fit for this book. Wonderful job!
-Cole
I like how you had a lot of good historical elements in your story and how they were interesting and very accurate. I have some wonders because I was confused on some parts and who was talking and maybe you could make it more specific. Also, you had a couple spelling errors in your story that could be fixed. But overall very good story and it was really descriptive and fun to read and I could imagine everything in my head and know what was going on in some parts. Great job!
Thanks for the feedback. It was very helpful
Thanks for the feedback. It was very helpful
Thanks for the feedback. It was very helpful
Thanks for the feedback. It was very helpful
Hi jacksonm2002,
I really enjoyed your story, it packed in many historical elements, and had very good dialog. I wonder if you could have been not so sudden on the first paragraph. It would have been better if you could have introduced the characters before getting into the action.
Bang! The door went flying into the small home. “HELP” shouted Chang.
I was also confused when there was dialog in the middle of the paragraph, and you didn't space it. This puzzled me ,because after that when ever there was dialog you would space it. Consistency is very important, especially in writing. Overall you had a wonderful story ,and I look foreword to reviewing more. Keep writing!
This story includes many historical elements for sure! I enjoyed all the drama but I have a few suggestions. As I was reading this story I was getting very confused about who was who. Maybe you could make that a little more clear because I didn't no who was good and who was evil. I also saw some minor spelling errors that can/could've be/been easily fixed by a thorough scan through this story. I liked how descriptive you were and I could really picture every scene in my head except for the names and faces. Overall enjoyable story! Great job.
Hello, here for a short review! Welcome to YWS.
This seems to be a fast paced short story we have here. The beginning, even though it had that sense of adventure and fast pace, it didn't really excite me. From what I know, the beginning of a writing project is to have to capture the reader's interest the first time they pick it up. What I would suggest is just try reading it aloud and probably think of a beginning that can be suitable for grabbing the reader's attention. Also, a lot of things just happen within one minute of that paragraph- somebody running into the house then somebody's neck is being broken. When writing (or doing anything) always plan ahead. Writing about a little subject that is involved with ancient China should be involved with some form of research. Your dialogue doesn't seem that realistic or rather, to fit in this time period.
Another thing I like to suggest is description. What I mean by this is have some surrounding stuff that'll make the reader imagine what is happening. Describe the house. Describe the kids. Add something to their voices - when I'm reading the dialogue, I don't sense any change. Like a monotone person screaming. Or perhaps the character is preppy and has that high pitched voice. These are what can be possible when the reader is reading. You provide the paint and they can paint dozen images with your work when you use description. Sometimes it is hard.
Also when writing dialogue, space out each of speaking part. For some (like myself) it is bit of an eyesore. Much like with big chunks of just words. When writing with huge screaming people, perhaps just use one exclamation mark or tone it down on the caps. Sometimes reading a line of caps can be bit of a hassle for some people. Also, it disrupts the flow of lowercase words when the reader is expected to read it.
Overall, this could use some work although I did like where you were going with this.
Steggy
I like that this takes place in imperial china. I feel sad for on character to that died in the story
He grabbed it and ran toward him to save his little brother. When he got there Khan said “This is what happens when you steal from the Mongols.” Then he broke his neck. “NOOOOO!!!!” shouted Lee.
I don't thing that revenge should be the answer to everthing
Lee thought that Khan would not keep that grudge and forgive him, Now he knew that and he was going to kill him by breaking his neck like he did to Chang.
I like that you seperated each paragraph but the person talking the the next paragrah another person talking
“They were not Traitors to China”
They drew their swords and started fighting. But Kublai Khan was better with ease he cut off his hand
“No THATS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!” shouted Lee.