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black thoughts

by hajer

you no longer care about a single thing , beacause you have seen things in your life that changed the way you think and the way you treat people.

but the problem here is that no matter how hard you try to erase those memories that made you depressed, you just won't be able to move on .

you will never understand why you can't break any rule , like changing someone's attitude.

you will take a cigarette and smoke it like it's the end of your miserable life .

you will try to explain those thoughts, i call them ' black thoughts ' , you will expose them to someone else, this person that only care about his own business , it doesn't make sense to you , cuz you made an effort to talk about your feelings to this special person, but he keeps ignoring you.

it will make you feel crazy.

moving on will be the hardest thing ever.

you will try to fix the problems you make, but every time it will turn into a fight.

your heart will be a mess , your brain will burn your attention, attitude, everything.

those black thoughts will eat all of your body , and day by day you will find yourself in a dark paradise , by that i mean acting like a happy person in a sad world, which isn't good enough for you to survive.

some things will turn your heart off .

you no longer have strength to do anything.

you no longer be able to do things you've done before.

you no longer want to live your miserable life .

i call them black thoughts. 

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120 Reviews

Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

Tue May 17, 2016 10:48 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...

This seems to be an interesting mix between free verse and short story. It is not exactly either, but it is really gripping regardless. I don't know if you are purposefully omitting capitalization E. E. Cummings style, but if not purposeful, it is recommended to use capitalization. Spacing between full stops are inconsistent, and again, if purposeful, go ahead, but keep it consistent. Don't mix the two. Mentally, I've been there before and understand where you're coming from. "Black thoughts" is a very apt way to describe those brain weasels. Just know that you are not alone. Keep writing. :)

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54 Reviews

Points: 485
Reviews: 54

Mon May 16, 2016 3:17 pm
Desdemona wrote a review...

Hello there, and welcome to YWS! Enjoy your stay!! :)
My name is Izzah, and I'm thrilled to be giving you your first review.

As a girl who has been through some very interesting happenings in her life, I can relate to this work quite a bit.

I had a few problems getting into this work though. The way the tense suddenly changed from future to present in the last few lines, for example, really threw me off.

In addition to that, the spacing of the commas was also disturbing; commas are placed without a space before them but a space after them only. Same with full stops.

Also, I really did not understand why you felt the need to explain certain terms like "Black thoughts" and "dark paradise" from your own point of view. Like sure, they were obscure terms, but you didn't have to explain it like "I meant"

You could have described it instead.

I also didn't understand why you ended with "I call them black thoughts" That just seemed very misplaced and forced to me.

Anyways. It was a good idea, and you've got great creative skill, but you need to work on your writing skills and think what you're writing through before you post it. I'd suggest spending more time writing.

PM me if you need any help with anything! I'd be glad to help :D
Love, Izzah.

Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp