II
I leave the tavern, pulling my hood low over my eyes as I move swiftly through the streets, avoiding contact with the other street wanders. My heartbeat races at the thought of returning to Titanium. It was dangerous for me to be there. Who knows how my mother, high up in her shining rooms and ruling through a mask, would treat me. But this is just an excuse. I'm not afraid of the dangerzone; as a bounty hunter, and occasionally in the past a bounty myself, my life is constantly on the line. Deep down, I know I'm hesitant to return for other reasons, reasons that scare me too much to think about.
I dismiss these thoughts as I near my ship, sleek and low and black in the corner of the hangar. With a new job under my belt, I’m ready to pack out of Torra pretty quick. A couple repairs and then I can split. I settle down to work after gathering up a few tools and changing into a ratty shirt.
As I clean and do a couple repairs I muse on the job itself. I'll admit it; I'm interested in it. This man, Ira Szar, might turn out to be quite the vigilante. Or maybe he's just a lucky chap. At any rate, I'll find out soon enough because I'd taken the job. Besides, it’s a nice chunk of money. I need more frozen food. Why wouldn't I take it?
A yell shakes me from my thoughts. I twist to look curiously when it’s followed by several strings of violent swearwords in three different languages and almost drop my pliers when I see the person, standing with her fists clenched and her eyes blazing in front of an empty space. Oh, no. Not her. Anyone but her.
“REALLY?!” She screams. “SOMEONE TELL ME WHO THE,” even I wince at the words that come spinning out of her mouth, “STOLE MY SHIP?!?”
I flinch in sympathy. “Don’t you dare say anything,” I mutter to myself. “You do not need to get involved in this.” I turn back to my repairs, but can’t help overhearing snatches of conversation.
“Big feller, miss… I’m very sorry… didn’t realize what…” And then her again, slamming her foot down and cursing a man named Lars to the end of the galaxy.
I rock back on my heels, moaning to myself. “Of all the people I could run into,” I grumble to myself. “Curse my kindly soul.”
I give a vicious twist to the wires I was messing with. Hurry up and get outta here, Dayton. Before she recognizes you. Or even worse, you screw it up with your big mouth.
But she was right next to me. It’d be a miracle if she didn’t spot me. And my luck normally doesn’t run that way.
Her angry torrents of colorful swear words fade and to my dismay, I hear footsteps headed my way. I grimace. The universe must’ve put out a pretty big bounty on my head. Seriously, no one's luck should be this bad.
I keep my head down and stay crouched and busy with my repairs, but my elbow loosens the knife in my boot from its sheath. This could get real dirty really fast.
The footsteps don’t slow down. My heart sinks to the bottom of my boots. The feet stop behind me.
“Hey,” she says, and there is no doubt in my mind that it is undeniably her and my life was about to get very messy and potentially painful. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about my -”
Her voice grinds to a stop when I look up and meet her eyes. Watching her face is like flipping through a cartoon book of my own death. Emotions fly through her face, all painting an ugly turnout for me.
Her hands flash. A click, a high powered whir, and I’m staring into the barrel of a gun ready to shoot a beam of energy into my noggin.
“You,” she snarls. "Avery Nerol." She spits my name out like it's a disease. Her body is shaking in rage, but the thing that really scares me is the fact that her hands are perfectly steady. Not that it mattered at this range, but it wasn’t exactly reassuring.
“Hi, Vivian,” I say carefully, not daring to stand up.
Eyes of molten lava burn into mine. “The nerve…” she growls. “Oh, I so want to kill you.”
I feel it would be unwise to disagree, so I nod and say, “Of course.”
She continues to stare down her gun. I wait anxiously.
“You’d better have a damn good reason for it,” she snarls.
“Erm… I honestly don’t think it’ll make my case any better.” I glance around helplessly, but the only person who’s noticed or cares about what’s happening is the one person I would rather not get involved. Fleck, the man I’d run into earlier, is staring curiously, an expression of amusement on his face.
Vivian lets out a harsh laugh. “Good choice. You always did know how to manipulate a woman.”
I wince. “Guilty.” Honestly, though? I've never really manipulated Vivian. She was too... broken, and human, and so determined I never could twist her like I could other women. I suppose after all the hard earned years of playing the heartless, cold eyed bounty hunter I still haven't been completely overtaken by the act. Underneath, there's still a small part of me that's just a big softie.
I sneak another look over at Fleck and my dismay mounts when I see him sauntering towards us. “Oh, blast it all,” I moan.
“What’s this, Dayton?” Fleck calls. “ Little stuck?” he laughs, obviously enjoying my pain.
I swear him out. A lot of foul language runs around this place, if you haven’t noticed.
“WHO?!?” Vivian demands, swiveling her gun to aim at Fleck, then back at me. Her eyes are shooting even more flames now.
“Great,” I complain. “Now I’m for sure going to die a poor, lonely bachelor.”
“D-Dayton…” Vivian stutters, staring at me in shock and fury. Not a good combination.
“Yes,” I sigh. “That’s me too. If you’re going to kill me, at least do it cleanly please? A burial would be nice.”
For probably the first time in her life, she’s speechless. She lowers her gun.
I blink at her, not believing my luck. Women. I might be able to manipulate them, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand them.
“You…” she gapes at me. “I can’t believe…” Her ponytail slaps her in the face when she shakes her head. “Is this some kind of joke?” she demands, glaring accusingly from me to Fleck, who now looks like he’s wishing he hadn’t gotten involved.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I say dryly, but they just look at me like I’d claimed I was a fish. Oh, right. They don’t understand Earth gab.
I shrug in my defense and slowly get up from my crouch to relieve my cramping legs. Thankfully, Vivian’s still too shocked to react. I inch toward the ramp leading up to my ship. “Well, if that’s all settled, I think I’ll just -”
“Oh, no, you don’t,” Vivian snaps. “You have alot of explaining to do, you double-crossing moron.”
My shoulders sag. Of course my luck wouldn’t have turned. “Fine,” I grumble. “But it’s none of your business, Fleck,” I scowl at him.
He shrugs shamelessly but leaves. I swear I hear him chortling under his breath as he walks away, probably thrilled by the fact that he just witnessed one of the better known bounty hunters of the galaxy get humiliated.
My attention snaps back to Vivian when she clears her throat pointedly. She steps closer to me, her ice blue eyes still sparking. “So,” she says. “Which one are you - Nerol or Dayton?” she challenges.
I watch her warily. “Well… both. Nerol’s my birth name, but I use Dayton for work.”
“Work,” she hisses. “And you, what, just forgot to mention that you’re a top-ranked bounty hunter?!”
I flinch. “Ah… yes?”
She stomps her booted foot on the floor. Uh oh. I need to clean this up fast or she’ll go monster on me again.
“Look, Viv,” I say quickly. “I was in a bit of a tough situation back then -” I raise my hands in defense when her mouth opens and her nostrils flare. “and I know it’s not an excuse, but I’m sorry about what I did,” I finish in a rush.
She crosses her arms. Still not satisfied then. I sense my doom creeping closer because I can only see one way out of this.
Defeated, I let my shoulders slump. “Fine. If you promise not to kill me in my sleep, I’ll make it up to you.”
Her eyes survey me coolly. “And what?”
I flick my eyes over her shoulder at the empty lot where her ship was. “I’ll help you out since you lost your ship,” I say reluctantly.
Her red lips purse and her head tilts while she considers my offer, long pale ponytail falling over her shoulder. “I need money,” she states, like I’m the moneytree and I’ll just hand her a wad.
“I could drop you off at a planet so you can get a job,” I suggest.
She shakes her head immediately. “I’m never going back to working desk jobs or anything of the sort,” she snarls. “But…” her mouth grows into a feral grin that makes me facepalm. “You’re a famous bounty hunter,” she drawls, eyeing me victoriously. I watch her warily as she begins to circle me, her grin growing wider. “You probably have jobs galore; I’ve heard who you work with,” she rests a hand on her hip and my feeling of dread maximizes. I know where this is going and I don’t like it. “I’ll partner up with you until I earn the money to buy a new ship,” she finishes up smugly, the glint in her eyes daring me to refuse.
I glare at her. “That could be years,” I argue, even though the job I was currently holding could pay for half of her ship. “You know jobs are spotty in this business. Are you even in bounties?” I demand.
“Yes,” she says defensively.
I moan in distress.
She raises an eyebrow and moves her hand to the holster on her belt.
I rub a hand through my hair. “Until twenty five mil,” I grumble.
She snorts. “That’d barely buy a junkpile. Fifty.”
I blow air out of my cheeks. Somehow, I doubt flirting would work in this particular case of bargaining. “Thirty,” I tell her.
“Forty five.”
“Thirty five.”
“Forty.”
I glare at her some more. “Fine.”
We shake on it.
Vivian’s face splits into an almost gleeful grin. “The deal is sealed,” she says cheekily.
“More like my doom,” I mutter.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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So, first off, I enjoyed this. What I like the most was Dayton's quirk of expression. I mean that I like some of the language he uses in his narration, like these examples.
I also like that while he's a top-rated bounty hunter, he won't repeat Vivian's foul-mouthed language to the reader and doesn't use too much of it himself. He seems much less hard-bitten than the typical bounty hunter, which I like. On that note, I agree with Meerkat that, given the little I know about him right now, he doesn't seem like the type who is just magically good at manipulating women. Of course, I don't know the actual backstory with Vivian. But still.
The only other thing about this chapter is that I didn't understand at first that Dayton knew Vivian. I don't mean when she came over to him - I'd figured it out by then - I mean that when he first heard her yelling and was thinking how he didn't want to get involved, I figured he just didn't want to get involved with a stolen ship and a loud, foul-mouthed lady. I didn't realize he didn't want to get involved because he KNEW the loud, foul-mouthed lady. If it's just me, no big deal. If other people mention it, you might want to clarify from the get-go that he recognizes her voice.
Blue
Thanks a ton man! I'm glad you like the narration and also a big thank you for pointing out Dayton's character bump. I'll get on that right away
Hope you have a wonderful day and thanks again! 
Hey there, I'm Meerkat. I was browsing the Green Room and came across your story. It was quite the serendipitous discovery, and I read the first chapter already so I'd be caught up with this one. You've really got a knack for making a piece exciting!
Anyway, let's get reviewing, shall we?
I typically begin with edits for grammar, spelling, word choice, and so forth. Your writing had very few errors, though.
-"I twist to look curiously when it’s followed by several strings of violent swearwords in three different languages and almost drop my pliers when I see the person, standing with her fists clenched and her eyes blazing in front of an empty space." You may wish to break this sentence into two to make it read more smoothly.
-"big feller, miss… I’m very sorry… didn’t realize what…" I'd recommend either capitalizing the first letter or adding an ellipsis at the beginning.
-"...my elbow loosens the knife in my boot from it’s sheath." "Its" does not need an apostrophe here.
-"...ready to shoot a beam of energy into my noggin." The word "noggin" sounds odd in this context. Maybe replace it with "skull" or just plain old "head."
-In one sentence you say "he laughed." Remember to keep the tense consistent.
-"You have alot of explaining to do..." "A lot" should be two words.
-In the final sentences, the dialogue tags are a bit stilted. You could edit the phrases to say, for instance:
"The deal is sealed," she says cheekily, and I roll my eyes.
"More like my doom."
This would draw the chapter to a more cohesive close.
Things I Really Liked That Don't Fit In Any Unified Category (or TTIRLTDFIAUC for short):
-Vivian. She "seems" like a Vivian, if you know what I mean. Her personality matches her name.
-This phrase: "My heart sinks to the bottom of my boots." Alliteration, expressiveness, and humor. I love it.
-The whole darn plot setup. I don't know if you're aiming for that whole "space outlaw" genre, but I really hope so. You're smart to give plenty of opportunity for your characters to get in trouble—conflict is what makes a story interesting.
One minor note: Of the women we've met so far, one flirts with Dayton and the other has apparently had her heart broken by him (or something similar, I don't know the full backstory). The thing is, for someone who apparently "knows how to manipulate a woman," Dayton doesn't seem like the type to be a ladies' man. He's more of a snarky cynic than a smooth-talker. It just doesn't entirely fit with his character or luck.
I really enjoyed this; your novel looks to be very promising. Please continue, as I'm eager to see where Dayton's and Vivian's stories are headed. Have a great day/night, and thank you for writing!
Gosh thanks so much! I really appreciate your advice and so sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to you! I'm so glad you liked it and it will definitely be continued. Thank you also for pointing out Dayton's little character bump - apparently I'm a little blind to it!
Have an awesome day!