z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Bounty: I

by grandpaslippers


I

“State your name and business,” the bored voice demands.

“Dodgy Dinglehopper,” I reply sarcastically. “I’m buying diapers for my mom, if you must know. And have you ever heard of the word “please”?”

“Permitted,” the voice snarls.

“Yeah, me neither,” I mutter.

I swing my ship down to land nice and gentle in an isolated corner of the hangar. Once I shimmy down the cockpit ladder, guzzle down a cheap energy drink, and lock up my ship, I pack out.

The babble of low spoken alien languages reaches my ears, echoing on the tinny ceiling of the hangar. Junkie clutter and ships of all shapes and sizes litter the vast floor, splattered with years of machine grease. It’s a place where evaluating looks are exchanged, where some friendly nods and a few heated arguments arise.

As I weave my way through ships the usual looks are tossed my way, but my plain, dark, and ordinary looking garb causes most of them to lose interest. A handful are wary of my double holsters and only one recognizes me.

“Goo’one, Dayton.” He nods, his expression neither polite nor mocking.

I make a gesture as if tipping my hat. “Same to you, Fleck.”

And we part ways. Our type doesn’t linger much, whether due to competition or simply the typical characteristics that run in our blood.

I continue on to my destination, a local bar called Malyer’s, and step into the music, lights, and sweaty bodies that occupy bars. I get a drink (non-alcoholic, I like my mind clear thank you very much) and sit in a quieter corner. I like to do most of my business in places like this - crowded, noisy and confusing. It’s the best cover.

I watch the crowd and nurse my drink, absently flicking the safety on and off my gun while I wait for my boss. After a few minutes she slides in next to me with a tall, skinny glass in her hand. “Wotcha, handsome,” she greets me. Her voice is always somehow buttery and rough at the same time. It’s one of the few voices that I can’t imitate. Lucky for her, I guess.

“Hi, Raull,” I reply, used to her obvious flirting by now. “Got somethin’ for me?”

She takes a swig and looks up at me behind huge white lashes. “Take a minute to say hello, why don’t cha honey?” she purrs, leaning in.

I stop her with a finger on her lips and a chiding smile. “Had a little to drink yet, Raull?”

She draws back, frowning. “But maybe a little more,” she mutters, and gestures to the server.

I roll my eyes. Raull’s good at what she does and not stupid in the slightest, but her weakness is pretty obvious. Men. She’ll do anything to get one she wants. She normally succeeds too, considering her stunning cheekbones, long legs, and smooth brown skin. I’m afraid she hit a bump in the road when I started working for her though.

She sulks for a few minutes before perking back up again. I wait patiently as she goes through the normal routine.

“So, babe,” she starts, crossing her legs and satisfying herself with gazing at me intently. “Found a rogue one for ya.”

I nod. “And?”

“Well you see,” she flicks her white hair over her shoulder, “he’s an important one to the higher ups. Killed a senator of theirs. Got a whoppin big price on ‘im, 50,000 mil, but no one’s goin’ after the chap.”

“Too scared or too inconvenient?”

She smiles. “Bit of both. The government wants him for themselves, and the fella’s a bit dangerous himself.”

I trace the rim of my glass thoughtfully. “How dangerous?”

Raull watches me wistfully. “I do like a daring man,” she says hoarsely.

I wait.

“Dangerous enough to kill a senator with eleven guards on hand,” she complies with a huff of annoyance.

I consider this. Eleven men is a lot to take out. Maybe if it was done with a far range gun though, or an explosion… “Details, please.”

Raull outlines the story for me. The senator was killed by a poisoned dart to the throat. Most of the guards had been put down by being locked behind a door (diversion tactics) but some were killed with either darts or a broken neck. It was done smartly, that’s for sure. And the guy probably knows how to fight too, or he’s just extremely lucky. Both are possible.

“I’ll take it,” I say.

She smiles roguishly. “Knew you would,” she says, affectionately patting my arm.

I nod absently, watching the crowd around us. I like to be aware of what’s happening around me, given my line of work.

“So,” I say, taking a sip and turning my attention back to her. “Where can I find him? Name?”

An irritated expression flashes across her face again, probably because I didn’t let her fawn over me for as long as she would like. “His name is Ira Szar. He’s on Titanium.”

My stomach plummets. Titanium? Of all places… It had to be the one that had bad blood on me. Going back to that shining and beautiful palace, the one I'd fled twice now without a single look back. That tremendous palace, in which chilling memories were locked tight within the golden doors of a shattered childhood. But it was too late to back out. Titanium is a big planet - I'll just have to find my way around it.

I nod slowly, careful to make sure my face showed none of my thoughts. “Can you send me any other info you have on him?” I ask.

She nods. “Consider it done,” she says indifferently.

I give her a brief smile while I inwardly snarl at rebelling thoughts. “Thanks, Raull. I should get going.”

Her disappointment is painfully obvious. “If you must, hon.” She waves over the server again for another drink.

I stand. “Safe evening to you,” I tell her.

She grins somewhat ironically. “You’re taunting me,” she says. “Leave already.”

I oblige.


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1087 Reviews


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Mon Feb 22, 2016 10:24 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Hey there, grandpasslippers (I also love your username), I'm here to leave you a good ol' review!

As someone who doesn't generally read this kind of thing, I enjoyed it a lot. I'm a sucker for Star Wars, and this had a similar vibe with the whole alien, rough bar thing, so I was more than happy. I immediately fall in love with any narrator who is sarcastic, and so from the get go I found Dayton's point of view to be a very amusing one to read. This isn't the longest part/chapter, so there isn't heaps to comment on, but considering its shortness you've managed to portray his character very well. The same goes for Raull's character, in fact. I immediately feel like I know her, which is a really fantastic thing. In regards to the more technical side of things, your grammar, spelling, flow e.t.c. are all things I have no complaints about. So yes, overall a short, but very intriguing chapter. I look forward to reading more!

I don't have heaps of critiques for you as it is a rather short extract, but I did pick up on one or two things. I think the main issue I had while reading this was that while I love being thrown into a story, sometimes I can be thrown in a bit too hard. I kind of want to know more about everything, from the world this is set in to your characters. Don't get me wrong, the last thing you should do is info-dump. I don't expect (or want) to know Dayton's date of birth, shoe size, or mother's maiden name, and I don't want an intense description of this alien world that'll last 2832349 paragraphs. I just feel like I could so with something to set everything up a little more neatly. Even just some small things, y'know? Have Dayton reference a previous bounty hunt he'd been on, for example.

Something else I want to bring up is your dialogue-narrative balance. This is much more of a personal preference thing than an actual critique, so please do take this comment with a pinch of salt. There is no rule that states you have to have your dialogue and narrative balance perfectly, and so there shouldn't be, but towards the end of this it does feel like you neglected Dayton's internal monologue a little. I want to hear more of his thoughts on things that are being said, and to dwell on them a little more. For example, when Titanium was brought up he noted it being an unsafe place for him, but I would've liked for him to dwell on it more. Heck, if it's relevant, this is where you could bring in Dayton referencing a previous experience he's had bounty hunting. This isn't a massive issue or anything, and like I said it's heavily based on personal preference, but I think weighing this down with a little more narrative here and there would be beneficial.

That's all I have, I think... I feel like I've not really helped a hell of a lot, but hopefully you will have gotten something from this. Critiques aside, you have something with uber loads of potential here. I certainly hope you plan on posting more of this because I'd love to see where this story goes, particularly as it's not easy to tell at the moment (which is a good thing!) Please do let me know if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, and I'll respond to them ASAP.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins






Wow thank you so much!! I'm really glad you liked it because I wasn't so sure about it myself. You've been a big help man! And I'll be posting the next chapter soon :)



Sins says...


No worries, it was my pleasure! I look forward to reading the next installment :)



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Mon Feb 22, 2016 9:22 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi grandpaslippers! I love your username, by the way.

For being so short, I quite enjoyed this. You have a good grasp of your character and you've somehow managed to develop a relatively solid tone despite the length of the chapter. I'm also glad that you didn't needlessly procrastinate on introducing the primary plot. You've given the reader enough information to keep them interested, but not enough to still keep them intrigued. Well done!

Because this is so short, there are some things that are lacking. It's not that they're not present - it's just that they're not present enough. For example, you have a nice protagonist, but I would like to see more coming from him. How does in feel in so-and-so situation? What are his reactions to this person or that person? For example, you could definitely flesh out his reaction to hearing that the next person on his bounty list is taking refuge in a place that is relatively out of bounds for Dayton. He also seems to be a somewhat good acquaintance of Raull's, so she would probably be aware of his animosity towards Titanium and vice versa. What's her reaction? Does she grin wickedly? Does she hesitate to reveal the bad news? Dayton... his stomach plummets, but maybe throw in a sentence or two that further convinces us (and him) that he will still pursue the bounty on the new character. If a place has such bad intentions for him, he must really have some burning reason to still pursue Ira Szar. What makes it worth it for him?

I have a few nitpicks:

but my plain, dark, and ordinary looking garb causes most of them


Plain and ordinary are pretty synonymous for each other. Consider dropping one.

a local bar called Malyer’s, and step into the music, lights, and crowded sweaty bodies that occupy bars.


I suggest you drop "crowded" because a) you use it a lot later on and b) "sweaty" bodies implies that they're crowded.

50,000 mil, but no one’s goin’ after the chap.”


fifty thousand, not numerals.

Overall, this is a pretty short review because your chapter is fairly short. I think you still have room to flesh things out a bit more without making it unnecessary and redundant. Particularly, I would like to see you delve into your characters and their motives a bit more. Otherwise, this was a nice and easy read.

Best,
Lav






Hey thanks a lot for the tips! I'll definitely look into chubbing it out a little :)




People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore