Hey there, grandpasslippers (I also love your username), I'm here to leave you a good ol' review!
As someone who doesn't generally read this kind of thing, I enjoyed it a lot. I'm a sucker for Star Wars, and this had a similar vibe with the whole alien, rough bar thing, so I was more than happy. I immediately fall in love with any narrator who is sarcastic, and so from the get go I found Dayton's point of view to be a very amusing one to read. This isn't the longest part/chapter, so there isn't heaps to comment on, but considering its shortness you've managed to portray his character very well. The same goes for Raull's character, in fact. I immediately feel like I know her, which is a really fantastic thing. In regards to the more technical side of things, your grammar, spelling, flow e.t.c. are all things I have no complaints about. So yes, overall a short, but very intriguing chapter. I look forward to reading more!
I don't have heaps of critiques for you as it is a rather short extract, but I did pick up on one or two things. I think the main issue I had while reading this was that while I love being thrown into a story, sometimes I can be thrown in a bit too hard. I kind of want to know more about everything, from the world this is set in to your characters. Don't get me wrong, the last thing you should do is info-dump. I don't expect (or want) to know Dayton's date of birth, shoe size, or mother's maiden name, and I don't want an intense description of this alien world that'll last 2832349 paragraphs. I just feel like I could so with something to set everything up a little more neatly. Even just some small things, y'know? Have Dayton reference a previous bounty hunt he'd been on, for example.
Something else I want to bring up is your dialogue-narrative balance. This is much more of a personal preference thing than an actual critique, so please do take this comment with a pinch of salt. There is no rule that states you have to have your dialogue and narrative balance perfectly, and so there shouldn't be, but towards the end of this it does feel like you neglected Dayton's internal monologue a little. I want to hear more of his thoughts on things that are being said, and to dwell on them a little more. For example, when Titanium was brought up he noted it being an unsafe place for him, but I would've liked for him to dwell on it more. Heck, if it's relevant, this is where you could bring in Dayton referencing a previous experience he's had bounty hunting. This isn't a massive issue or anything, and like I said it's heavily based on personal preference, but I think weighing this down with a little more narrative here and there would be beneficial.
That's all I have, I think... I feel like I've not really helped a hell of a lot, but hopefully you will have gotten something from this. Critiques aside, you have something with uber loads of potential here. I certainly hope you plan on posting more of this because I'd love to see where this story goes, particularly as it's not easy to tell at the moment (which is a good thing!) Please do let me know if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, and I'll respond to them ASAP.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
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