Young Writers Society

Hey @Thediffident here to review the next part of your story!

I was a bit confused earlier as to why you wrote 'sylvie' at the top in the first part and now it all makes sense! I got to say that it was quite clever of you to do that.

"Of course not!!!" I yelled. "How am I supposed to listen?! LISTENING is how it happened!" I felt the need to cry.

Roxanne's character seems full of mysterious and she seems to still be in a traumatized state. I'm extremely curious to her backstory and how 'IT' all connects to the main plot and the other character(s?).

a pair of hands reached out and pushed me! I was sent flying down below. Tried to grab the rock. Missed. Cut my hand open. Started bleeding. The air got pulled right out of my lungs. I couldn't scream. But the whole thing was rather relaxing right now. Like I was flying, minus the you know, actual flying part.

This part literally gave me a jump scare! I also got really excited (I do that a lot) to see different elements used for different characters. For Sylvie, it was sand so is it water for Roxanne? And more importantly will see other characters realted to other elements in the future parts as well?
Really looking forward to reading more in order to cure my curiosity!

Loved the work you've done so far and really like the cover art for this <33
-Andy

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is an interesting second part here. We've focusing on a different group stuck in a very different predicament. It feels like its own new story with how little it connects to the previous one, but one its own its a good start and we're still in the first chapter so it being a little disconnected as you introduce two separate groups isn't quite so much of a problem. I can't wait to see how they will connect up.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I stared at myself in the mirror self-consciously, even though I had no idea why.

"You coming?" asked a voice from my doorway.

"Sophie?" I asked.

"Really? Is that the best you can do?" asked the voice again, and I sighed, annoyed with myself. I let my feelings get the best of me again. I couldn't let myself do that anymore, I just couldn't. Not without having the feeling over and over again.

Now the voice softened.

"Relax." it said. "Sorry. I thought you were fine now; I guess I was wrong."

Oooh right away we've got quite the intriguing start here with it seems one person being in a somewhat bad place there. Definitely makes you quite curious I think. Very excited to see where exactly that could be coming from. And it also looks like we've got ourselves a new set of characters here.

"Darn wrong." I said. Then I turned around and glared at the girl behind me.

" Gosh, you're so moody today," Veronica said. "You've got to chill out."

Easy for her to say, I thought. She did not lose her mother a year ago. Some people.

"We're all going for a group hike today on the fancy cliffs. But I'm guessing you're not going?..."

"Mmmm," I said, honestly not listening to a thing my friend was saying. I was too caught up in my own head. "What was that?"

"Hike. Cliffs. Listen to me sometime. You don't do that to anyone anymore. Not even your Aunt."

Okayy well that's quite the reveal there. It looks like this person really is quite sensitive from the death of this parents and this person here isn't really treating that incident with quite the amount of seriousness that it deserves. Although it is a bit of a mixed bag with the occasional bit of actual concern shining through.

"Of course not!!!" I yelled. "How am I supposed to listen?! LISTENING is how it happened!" I felt the need to cry.

There was a moment's pause before finally Veronica spoke again. "But that doesn't mean it'll happen again."

Great. Now I felt guilty, too.

"Fine. I'll go on the hike. But you just don't understand how hard it is for me right now."

"I'm sure I do," said Veronica. "Come on, we'll go get ready."

I nodded, feeling quite distracted. "Yes. get ready."

On the way down to the lobby, she added, however: "But IT happened a whole year ago. You really need to get over it."

Really? Honestly?! NO I did NOT. So I said that aloud.

This is definitely creating a very interesting environment around it all as a result. There certainly does appear to be a few things that are not as understanding as they really should be given how much the effect of this mother's passing seems to be.

We walked out to the bus and Aunt Claire said, "Roxanne? You're going on the hike?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I said.

I slowly sat down and watched as we drove to the fancy park.

We only just stepped out of the bus when a ranger ran by and said, "Right-O! Let's get going! This is a beautiful gem of the grasslands and I am so excited to share the giant magnificent plums with you..."

Well that was a quick transition there. A bit too fast I feel without it just being a straight cut from the end of the previous scene. You might want to be a tiny bit more careful with that type of transition because its very jarring to read and it ends up breaking the flow of the piece a little.

But then it got more ominous when she said, "And do not go down in the water... or else."

ooh, chilling, I tell you.

After what seemed like eternity, we finally got back to the actual cliff-part. I looked down in the water and wondered what was so bad about it when...

a pair of hands reached out and pushed me! I was sent flying down below. Tried to grab the rock. Missed. Cut my hand open. Started bleeding. The air got pulled right out of my lungs. I couldn't scream. But the whole thing was rather relaxing right now. Like I was flying, minus the you know, actual flying part.

The water headed closer and closer to me. SLAP! I hit the waves, but not before ding like what I'd read in a book, preforming a stance so I wouldn't break all my bones when I hit the water.

I went under the waves, silently screaming. I swam up, up, up, but the surface never seemed to come.

Aannd well that was expected. Love this cliffhanger either way. I think you did this part quite well. Building up the signs of potential danger from the announcement earlier and now showing it coming to fruition with danger really creeping in. It forms a pretty great place to end because we must know what happens.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think it ends up making for a very solid chapter once again. Nice bit of introduction. This whole mother situation really livened up all the personalities and told us quite a bit. Then that cliffhanger was also quite nicely done.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate