Young Writers Society

Hey @Thediffident here to review your piece:
This was such a fun read! I absolutely loved this part and was able to relate to Sylvie on a spiritual level with the snobby big sister and the dislike for sand. (Quicksand must have been a nightmare)

AAAAA!" I yelled when I opened the door Sunday morning two weeks ago. Everyone looked confused.

Sisters are so stupid. Sheesh.

Hello! Lolth here for my first-ever review! I'll do my best!

"AAAAA!" I yelled when I opened the door Sunday morning two weeks ago. Everyone looked confused.

So, I would highly recommend against using 'AAAAA' as any sort of dialogue, it makes it feel very much like fanfiction. I would recommend not using dialogue at all to describe the sound. Perhaps something like, 'I screamed as I opened the door Sunday morning, two weeks ago.'

"What is it?" asked Father. I pointed at the driveway. Last week there was a giant sandstorm, which was very unusual in the mountains. Then it rained a few inches the next day, so now the sand was basically quicksand.

That's not how quicksand works. This can put off a lot of readers, especially if they have any kind of understanding of quicksand. Quicksand is made when sand and salt has been waterlogged over an extended amount of time. A few inches of rain wouldn't turn it into quicksand.

For paragraph 3, there's no need for more than one exclamation mark. You could also use a couple of commas in this paragraph.

Please don't put things in parentheses in your novel. You can write about what's in the parentheses without doing that. For example:

'Of course, if she were in my place, she'd be screaming about it, way more than I was, and how she'd ruin her makeup and pedicure and her lashes.'

You also don't really need to use the 'Humph'.

Also, another note, whenever you're ending a piece of dialogue with said, told, etc you end the dialogue with a comma. So, ' "I really like these flowers," said Piper.' Would be the grammatically correct way to write a dialogue sentence in that regard.

I would also suggest using some other descriptors other than said. It gets repetitive, try showing some variety.

This is a completely personal opinion but don't put thoughts in italics. With this being in first person, the PoV is already essentially her thoughts. You don't need to include that.

What are the Wizards? I wish you would have elaborated a bit here.

Allie being on her phone doing some sort of live kind of seemed out of left field to me. I feel like you should have hinted at that before instead of just saying that she was glued to her phone as usual before.

I do like how you ended it, it comes off as ominous, but you don't need to use an ellipsis either, that comes off more as a text message than a novel.

I do think this has potential! If you have any questions or comments feel free to reach out and we can have a chat!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression Okayy...well this was a fun little opening chapter here. It had a nice little combination of mystery while at the same time introducing us to this person and the kind of life that this person's leads. I think you did really quite well on that. It definitely intrigued me quite a bit.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"AAAAA!" I yelled when I opened the door Sunday morning two weeks ago. Everyone looked confused.

"What is it?" asked Father. I pointed at the driveway. Last week there was a giant sandstorm, which was very unusual in the mountains. Then it rained a few inches the next day, so now the sand was basically quicksand.

"Look at all the sand!!!" I yelled. I knew I was overreacting but I was mostly just annoyed about being cooped up in the house for over a week and having nothing to do at all.

"Why're you screaming? It's just sand." said my sister, Allie, glued to her phone. Of course, if she were in my place, she'd be screaming about it (certainly more than I was then) and how she'd ruin her makeup and her pedicure and her lashes. Humph.

"So? Look at all of it! It's up to my head!!" I added. (for the record, I am pretty short.)

"You're overreacting." said Father.

"I am not!" I said. And then I thought of all the stories I've heard where stuff like this happens and people fall in the quicksand, never getting out. *Shudders*

"Well, this is very unique." added Father. This will be a really boring week, I thought.

It was not. It resulted with me going on a big quest. All because of the sand.

I did not like sand.

"This is ridiculous," said Allie, before shoving all of us out of the doorway. Then she starting videoing herself saying, "Look at all this sand. Isn't it amazing? Maybe the Wizards are acting up again?" Who knows?"

I snorted. All the wizards hadn't woken up in centuries; why would they start making weird weather now, all of a sudden?

Allie heard my snort and turned toward me. "Oh, this is my little sister, Sylvie. Say hi to all my fans!"

"Hi." I growled.

Sisters are so stupid. Sheesh.

Then I walked past Allie and walked to the couch. This was a very boring day. Too bad it was the last one I was going to have...