Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone


by Morrigan

It is hot. If I had to estimate a temperature
it would have a 2 in it because it is too hot

and the air conditioning is broken (I want to somehow blame
it on the raccoons that skulk with their tiny destructive hands around
the trash cans at night)

I open the window to provide relief and a garland of dead
ladybugs and spiderweb graces the bottom of the window

delightful. I let them hang there because I have no stomach
for anything right now (it is too hot to eat), especially not
poor dead ladybugs preserved by winter under my window
who can no longer feel Nebraska in late June.

I would gladly take their place, not for love or loyalty
but for the escape of the summer.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
592 Reviews

Points: 1281
Reviews: 592

Tue Jun 23, 2015 10:06 pm
View Likes
fortis wrote a review...

Who can't sympathize with this, amiright? It goes very nicely with your avvie too.

I like how vivid and clear this is. I especially like the garland image. That was a bit funny while being disgusting, morbid, and commonplace all at once. Very effective.

You have an abundance of sight images, but not very much of the other senses. I know one of the first things I associate with dead ladybugs is their smell. Also, I expect from a poem about how hot it is to break into a sweat just thinking about it. And while this poem SAYS it's hot, I don't actually feel the hotness here in my cool house. you feel me?

I think "not for love or loyalty" felt a bit... out there. I don't think any reader was thinking that you love the dead ladybugs enough to take their place. It's obvious that you want to take their place for another reason, so while the reader is still wondering why you mentioned that, the poem ends and they miss the last line, which is a very nice line by the way.

The second line of the poem feels a bit gimmicky, I think? I don't know if that's the right word for it. I would say it fit with the theme because when it's hot you're too lazy and gross to actually work on stuff, but then the rest of your poem is very thoughtful, so the difference in moods is a little bit jarring to me.

Other than those things, I think you have a really solid poem here. Kudos to you c:
I really enjoy reading IT'S STINKIN' HOT poems for some reason, and this was a good one.
Great job, Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions!

Morrigan says...

Thanks, fort!
As for the second line, it was supposed to be an attempt at a bad joke, like, you know, when you're trying to get someone into something and you eventually just give up and dive right in?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's supposed to be bad, I guess. Kinda. >.>

Thanks again!

User avatar
1076 Reviews

Points: 100305
Reviews: 1076

Tue Jun 23, 2015 11:43 am
Mea says...

Your avatar goes so well with this. :P

User avatar
14 Reviews

Points: 639
Reviews: 14

Tue Jun 23, 2015 4:02 am
View Likes
thealmightypencil wrote a review...

Hello! I really enjoyed your poem! It is humorous and well written. I think the phrase "tony destructive hands" is equally adorable and a terrifying. I also love the phrase "a garland of dead ladybugs and spirderweb graces the bottom" because you use such elegant sounding diction like "graces" and "garland" to ironically describe something not elegant or pleasant!

I know the rules of grammar can be stretched and broken in poetry, but I had a teacher once that instilled that grammar can only be broken for important reasons! So I just had two possible errors to point out because I don't know if they're intentional.

I think there should be a period at the end of the second stanza because it sounds like you start the third stanza with a new sentence.

The same goes for the end of the third stanza. If the third stanza is a complete sentence, then "delightful." at the beginning of the fourth stanza should be capitalized.

One last comment; I think the last words of the third stanza, "the window", are unneeded because the speaker already said that they are opening a window. It seems a bit repetitive.

Overall, a wonderfully funny poem! Feel free to take or ignore my comments. I was honestly being nit-picky so I could find something to write about because the content of the poem is great!

Morrigan says...

Thank you! I'm glad that you took the time to think about why things might be capitalized instead of just saying that they should be. I appreciate your comments, and thank you again for the lovely review. :)

No problem!

I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content