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​i had a dream where dad chased after bombs

by fortis

i had a dream where dad chased after bombs

wherever he walked, they fell thicker
till they were a cloud of gnats
and he glittered like water
and he breathed like glass
as he fell through starlight
slow as honey.

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Points: 37
Reviews: 3

Mon Jul 03, 2017 11:39 am
S1lence wrote a review...

I really liked this poem in the overall view, but, to give a fair and balanced review, I am going to give both the positive and the negative aspects of the poem, in my mind.

The positive is how the words flow with each other, the sentences in themselves are sweet to say and hear, which really helps with the dreamlike state you are trying to go for. It's this combination of seemingly absurd imagery with sentences that make the tongue go numb, in a good way, that make this poem a great poem for what it's trying to do.

The negaitve is just a tiny observation, mostly an opinion from my part. Taking into consideration that the poem is supposed to be in this dream reality of sorts, I would have expected more pause between the sentences, at least more than which you use here, to give it a sensation of lightheadedness and the smoothness of being asleep.

In summary, it still is a great poem, just some minor things that, in my opinion, would have made it a greater piece.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:32 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

Were we talking about poems with the word 'bomb' in the title? If so, then it's appropriate because I thought this poem happened to be pretty much the for reasons that I'll soon explain. This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on this early morning!

Something I enjoyed seeing quite a bit is the transformation between the first, second, and third drafts of this poem. I can see that you ended up taking the more minimalist approach, which while more prolonged poems are a viable option, I'm enjoying the outcome of this. For me, minimalist poetry is something on the shorter side with maybe eighteen lines or less. Something ranging from three to four small stanzas or less. Just because this is compact into six lines though doesn't mean that I don't enjoy this!

Something else that I enjoy about this poem specifically is the ability of the title and the actual poem to work with each other. The title makes a lot of sense to me since it's giving context to the rest of the poem before it's read. That's what we as the readers are able to sense--the correlation between the two. The title too is almost a line in itself and the second line is the technical first line of the poem. As for the actual tone and the final product that this came out to be, I found this to fit the bill for 'ethereal' and I can see him being a bit of a light in a desolate land though that one's more iffy?

That doesn't mean this is less enjoyable because it strayed from the prompt a little--I found it to be more enjoyable this way. The imagery used is quite strong and there's not much wrong done here though I could argue that the first two lines, or the second line specifically is a little awkward with the 'till' though that's something small. Excellent job at the execution of this short poem, Fort!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.



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2631 Reviews

Points: 5735
Reviews: 2631

Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:55 am
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Rydia wrote a review...

I love this so I don't expect I'll have much to comment on but here goes nothing:

1. I both do and don't like that the title is the first line of the poem but I almost feel like you need to repeat it again, rather than relying on people reading the title and then going straight into the poem. I think most places where I've seen this done (and Emily Dickinson comes to mind) it's normally presented as both the title and the first line of the poem.

2. I'm also thinking that it feels more like the bombs are chasing after your dad and there's not a sense of transition there. It goes straight from dad chased after bombs to wherever he walked they fell thicker. I don't particularly mind it as dreams are wacky like that but it does feel a little inconsistent and made me pause for a moment and have to start reading the poem again. Or that might have been the realisation that I needed to read the title as the first line. But certainly I stopped after line one and that's something to avoid in short poetry?

And I think that's all I have! I really love the descriptions and the idea of breathing like glass and falling through starlight - they are such pretty ways to describe something which should be terrifying and I love the oxymoron and also that other clever word which means mixing senses since normally yo see glass rather than breathing it...

Thanks for a pleasant read!


fortis says...

how about if I format it like this? thanks for the review!

Rydia says...

Yes, that works! :)

In the winter months, snowstorms and rainfall in the Patagonian Ice Fields can drastically affect the landscape. Worsened by heavy winds, such storms can reduce visibility and lead to glacial calving, ice collapses, and avalanches. During these conditions, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian