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Young Writers Society


Violence

Shadowsong: Chapter 6.2- Shadowsong

by Featherstone


Sorry it's so short :l

______________________________

I struggled to stay awake. My eyes were weary, closing more often as I felt the pull to simply sleep. But every time I shook myself awake- I wanted to see Lyrel when he came home. He’d left on a trip to go battle some powerful demonic threat. Some might have worried that their mentor would die going on such a venture, but in my eyes, he was invincible. He was perfect. He was immortal.

He’d raised me as a father, he’d taught me as a mentor, he’d comforted me as a friend. He was the only one that didn’t fear me or treat me differently because I was of shadows instead of light or because of my scarlet eye or because of the corvid that followed me day in and day out. He was just there for me, surer than the suns would set in the west.

I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I must have, because the next thing I knew I was in my bed with sunlight slanting in through the curtains. Lyrel must have found me asleep and brought me up. He was home!

The grogginess of first awakening was gone in an instant as I leaped out of bed and bolted to Lyrel’s room. I shoved open the door and turned to his desk in the corner where he did paperwork and wrote letters every morning before I was even awake.

He wasn’t there.

I supposed even he would have to sleep in once in a while, but it was late enough and the day wouldn’t last forever. I trotted over to his bed to wake him up and the world came shattering down around me, like so many shards of glass as they burst into a million pieces upon hitting the cold, hard stone so far below it.

Blood pooled over the white sheets, dripping to the ground. His body was cold, lifeless, so pale…

I let out a choked cry, shaking him, calling his name over and over and over again. Time had no meaning. The world stopped turning. The sun stood still. All I knew was my fractured heart and the crushing feeling of being alone, so terrifyingly alone.

Hands gripped my shoulders, pulling me firmly but gently away. I found myself staring into the umber eyes of a lion, his great golden coat glistening in the light as Bericus let me go next to his familiar.

Why me?


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 8:30 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



So I'm not really sure who's speaking here, but that might only be because I showed up so late in the story. It was Raven in the prior chapter, and I know she was with the angels for a long time, so it would make sense that it's her again...except that the narrator here is presented as having been raised by Lyrel, so probably not. Also if Lyrel's dead, this has to be in the future.

On that note, my first impression upon reading this chapter was "Nope never mind I can't do italics" (I know, after the nice things I said about them in the last chapter), but now I'm wondering if maybe it's because this is another vision and Lyrel's not actually dead yet but might be soon.

So never mind about the italics.

But I'm still confused on the narrator. If this is in fact a different narrator - if you switch back and forth between multiple first-person perspectives throughout the story - it might help readers keep track if you title each chapter with the narrator's name.

Although if that's the case then probably you can also leave off the italics, if this is just a different narrator rather than a vision.




Featherstone says...


It's the same narrator ^_^ Thanks for reading & reviewing



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Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:05 pm
LukeStarkiller wrote a review...



Very nice! You're clearly a pro at making character motivation understandable and emotionally resonant. I actually like that it's a short chapter because it gives you the time to get to the heart of the matter. If you think about it, not much actually happens, but it serves as a nice trip into this character's head. It's these chapters that give a story room to "breathe."

One complaint: the beginning is formatted and worded a little weirdly. I would revise it to something like this: "My eyes were weary, closing more and more often with the gentle pull of sleep, but every time I willed myself to stay awake. I wanted to see Lyrel when he came home." Notice that I took out the first sentence. With the "I willed myself to stay awake" now in the first sentence, I don't think it's needed, and it makes for a more succinct opening.

On the whole, it was a solid chapter. Keep it up!




Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed! Thanks for taking the time to read and review! ^_^




Courage, my soul! Now learn to wield the weight of thine immortal shield...
— Andrew Marvell