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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Huntress: Chapter 1- Pack [Edited; LMS]

by Featherstone


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Chapter 1

The resounding howls of wolves echoed through the forest as I hit the dirt, sending my opponent flying over me. He spun around as he landed, his teeth bared in a snarl. I growled back as I crouched. My heart was pumping faster than I could count, adrenaline making my senses inhumanly keen. Neither of us had weapons of any sort- just our hands and our wits.

Around us, the chorusing howls of werewolves and their kind grew louder, egging us on. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to kill another cub.

The boy charged and I stepped aside. This time, however, he anticipated the dodge, and he grabbed me as I sidestepped, throwing me into the ground. Winded, I tried to roll to my feet. He was faster. He pinned me down and raised a fist, ready to beat my skull into pulp.

I didn’t have time to worry about ethics. He was trying to kill me- I would survive.

I kneed him in the stomach. He grunted and winced, loosening his grip ever so slightly, giving me the chance I needed to roll out from under him.

We were on even ground again. He was stronger, but I was faster. I lunged forward, feinting to the left. Naturally he moved to block. I took advantage of that and darted to the right, pivoting behind him. Before he could react I wrapped one hand around his chest and the other around his head.

The wolves’ cries rose in volume, yowling to the full moon overhead.

No. I couldn’t kill. Not another.

He began to break free from my hold.

No, I told myself. I would survive!

With one smooth movement, I jerked my hands away from one another. There was a sickening snap as I broke his neck. Limply, he fell to the ground. Lifeless.

Their yowls became deafeningly loud as I raised my arms and howled in victory.

I had survived.

Out of the crowd stepped an elf with dark brown hair. In his hand he held a bone ritual knife that legend said was made out of a dragon fang. I ducked my head as appropriate as a wolf of lower rank than our alpha. Behind him was a large, burly man- my adoptive father, Lupus. Next to him strode a horse-sized wolf. Her lower fangs were maybe 15 inches long, serrated on the inside. Her fur was deep mahogany, her eyes glistening gold. That was my mother, Grimm.

Wordlessly the elf handed me the knife and stepped back. The pack was suddenly silent- the only sounds were that of quiet shuffling and the murmur of wind through the trees. I took the blade and placed it on my palm, slicing it open. Closing my hand I passed the dagger to Lupus who followed suit, then extended his bloody fingers towards me.

I took his hand and our blood mixed. Eoin, the elf, took our hands and raised them. “I name thee Agrona,” he proclaimed. “The Harbinger of Death, victor of the 42nd Ru’leth!”

The canines around me burst into howls as he finished.

I was a wolf.

_____________________

Being infected with lycanthropy either from a bite or has multiple outcomes, caused by a rather large set of variables and complicated interactions between them. The short version is this: those that fight hard and long enough die from the effort and those that finally give in become wolves. Very few have survived and remained human- certainly no one within a couple hundred years. Even if one did survive, it didn’t come easy. Fighting the wolf came with much sickness and pain.

The longest it took for an outcome was perhaps a month. Two months later and I’d showed no symptoms of become a werewolf whatsoever. I guess that concerned my parents, because when they returned one night from what I’d assumed was hunting they’d actually been talking to Eoin. I could tell by his scent on them. Automatically I assumed they’d been talking about me- it was the most logical conclusion to draw from the current circumstances.

What I didn’t expect was them to try to kill me. I wonder why that came as a surprise, for in hindsight it was fairly obvious. It was Grimm’s low growl that first alerted me to danger. I turned to my parents who were moving to either side of me. Flanking me.

I didn’t have to ask. I knew a hunting wolf when I saw one. The flanking, their body positions, the way they moved, the tone in my mother’s snarl were all indicative of danger.

“I’m sorry,” Lupus muttered. “But what must be done must be done.”

And he leapt, his forms changing from that of a man to a wolf.

My heartbeat resonating in my ears…the rush of adrenaline…color washed from the world…a single instinct: protect, survive- kill.

And all went black.

The next thing I knew I was behind a ramshackle hovel in an unfamiliar town. Judging by the scents of humans it was fairly active and there were residents, but the silence and darkness betrayed nothing of their presence. The hunting song of the Pack could be heard in the distance, Grimm’s and Lupus’ voices easily discernible in the cacophony of howls.

I ran. There was nothing else I could do. Sprinting through the shacks I ducked into the most abandoned looking building I could find in the hopes of seeking refuge. It was an inn, an often used one if the cleanliness of the place meant anything.

Vaulting over the bar, I raced through the back door and into a storage room. I fumbled around when my bare toe slammed into something metal. Cussing in wolf, I knelt to feel whatever it was. A ring. A ring linked to another ring by a lock. It was a trapdoor, a locked trapdoor. If I could get into it, I might be able to evade the Pack. Reaching into a pocket I pulled out a slim wire. Even though lock picking wasn’t commonly taught among wolves, I’d learned when scavenging scraps from locked caches.

After what seemed like an eternity I finally unlocked it and the metal hunk clattered to the ground. I hurriedly ducked inside the tunnel and found myself climbing down a ladder.

The tunnel was full of shadows. A bit of torchlight reflected off the walls, but its as dimmed by the smoke from the fire. A steady drip-drip told me water fell from the ceiling somewhere as the noise echoed through the cavern. It was a bit intimidating, but I was more afraid of what was behind me than ahead. Without hesitation, I bolted down the passageway.

I lost track of the twists and turns, so naturally one more sharp turn didn’t surprise me. What I found there did.

I ran straight into what appeared to be a tavern. Humans of all shapes, sizes, ages, and genders were working at almost any activity possible. Drinking, brawling, gambling, bartering, cheating, stealing, boasting, bluffing, observing, and even arm wrestling. I had no idea how I hadn’t detected the din prior to stumbling into the pandemonium, but it promptly silenced as I did.

For several seconds it was so quiet you could hear a needle drop on the stone as I faced the room full of surprised commoners. Eventually a man stood up. He didn't look like anything special- brown hair, blue eyes, tan skin. He wore the standard tunic and breeches with no visible weapons. There was a sort of aura about him though, an attitude that suggested he was at the very least the beta if not the alpha.

He said something to me in common. I stared at him blankly, not comprehending the alien speech. I knew the wolf tongue and I knew Scanran, not whatever language this was. He repeated the words. Again I remained silent. Finally he switched to wolf, the second most common language of the area. That I understood.

“Who are you?”

“Who’s asking?” I retorted.

“You aren’t really in a position to be asking the questions,” he pointed out. “You’re in my territory, not the other way ‘round.” He did have a point there.

“Agrona.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Talking to you.”

His look said it all.

“Running,” I quickly corrected.

“From who?”

“The Pack. Who else? Those howls aren’t coming from nowhere, you know.”

“Why would they be chasing down one of their own wolf-children?” A wolf-child was someone like me- born human, raised by the Pack.

“Because they couldn’t turn me to a wolf,” I answered.

“How did you get in?”

“I picked the lock.”

“You, a mere child, picked our best lock?” The man was incredulous.

“Yes.”

“You wouldn't happen to be in need of a job?”


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User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 61

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Fri Apr 21, 2017 6:33 pm
Feltrix says...



I know I reviewed this before, but that was a while ago. This is pretty brief and does a blanket job of explaining what I think should be changed.

There aren't a lot of descriptions of the setting, which should definitely be added.

At some point, Agrona blacks out and wakes up somewhere else. You didn't give the reader a lot of time to get oriented, and that ends up being confusing and I got kind of lost afterwards.

I don't really know how our protagonist got from the house to the tavern (or to the house in the first place, but that's a different matter). Agrona went through a trap door, and then what? For some reason, I picture the tavern as under ground, which seems wrong.

Last, and possibly least, I would spell out all of your numbers.




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Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:48 pm
SharkTheCat wrote a review...



Hello!

I started with your last update on this series, but then I figured it would have been just shoddy work to read and review just that one. So, let's begin!

This first chapter caught me as a reader in a sense that it is interesting, the characters have a base on which you can build, but it still has a long way to go until it reaches its full potential. You have a good start, though it seems a bit rushed and scarce in the matter of details and form.

With that in mind, here are my thoughts on this chapter:

1.

My heart was pumping faster than I could count, adrenaline making my senses inhumanly keen.

It's a fight. You don't count your heartbeats when you fight. Hell, you barely count your heartbeats when you're sitting at a table, enjoying a coffee.

And what does she senses under her adrenaline induced hype? Tie this adrenaline idea with something she does, with a blow she dodges in the last second due to her reflexes, with her catching, amidst all those howls, that the boy is starting to tire.

2.
I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to kill another cub.

Focus on this. Make her hesitate, allow mistakes on her part due to that. Through the fight, she doesn't give me the impression that she doesn't want to kill another cub.

3.
I didn’t have time to worry about ethics.

What ethics? It's a fight to the death. There are no ethics. They go out the floating window when you are pinned down on the ground with someone trying to smash your head in.

4.
There was a sickening snap as I broke his neck.

"There was a sickening snap." Stop. That's all you need.

5.
Their yowls became deafeningly loud as I raised my arms and howled in victory.

Again, this doesn't feel aligned with the fact that she didn't want to kill the poor sod. If you still want to use this, tell us her thoughts. The fact that killing the guy didn't sit well with her, but in the end, she had won, she was still alive and that was what made her accept the victory.

Fight, overall: It seems sketched. A fight is indeed something fast, that doesn't allow much thinking, doesn't allow big descriptions. Use your character's senses to describe, use those moments in which they are apart to give more details about her, how she feels, what she sees in the guy, in his walk, in his way of attacking, his weaknesses, maybe. Also, where did she learn to fight?

6.
Being infected with lycanthropy either from a bite or

You forgot to continue. From a bite or "from what".

7.
Behind him was a large, burly man- my adoptive father, Lupus. Next to him strode a horse-sized wolf. Her lower fangs were maybe 15 inches long, serrated on the inside. Her fur was deep mahogany, her eyes glistening gold. That was my mother, Grimm.

No reaction from them? Nothing? No sly smile, no nod, just blank stares?

8.
Fighting the wolf came with much sickness and pain.

What sickness, what pain? Did she hear about someone? Did she witness someone while they were fighting the wolf and the effect it had on them?

9.
It was Grimm’s low growl that first alerted me to danger. I turned to my parents who were moving to either side of me. Flanking me.

She's pretty calm for someone whose parents are suddenly trying to jump her.

10.
“I’m sorry,” Lupus muttered. “But what must be done must be done.”

He seems robotic. Give the man some feelings. Step-father, yes, but does he love her, does he not? If he sees her only as a tool for a greater goal, make it obvious. If that's not the case, he's about to hurt his daughter.

11.
And he leapt, his forms changing from that of a man to a wolf.

Describe more here - how the morphing looked like, if he leaped towards her (if so, how does she react?), how he looks as a wolf. Maybe some features from wolf-to-man and man-to-wolf are still visible and telling.

12.
And all went black.

Why? What happened? Did she get hit? Did she blacked out?

13.
The next thing I knew I was behind a ramshackle hovel in an unfamiliar town. Judging by the scents of humans it was fairly active and there were residents, but the silence and darkness betrayed nothing of their presence.

She just coming to her senses. Use that. Present her surroundings in more detail. She's in an unfamiliar town. She'd need to get her bearing first.

14.
The hunting song of the Pack could be heard in the distance, Grimm’s and Lupus’ voices easily discernible in the cacophony of howls.
I ran.

Give her a reaction that prompts that running, that makes her realize that running is the best option she has right now. She's like "Oh, yea, that's the hunting song. Cool! Let's bolt!"

15.
If I could get into it, I might be able to evade the Pack.

You forgot about the smell part. Everybody smells one way or the other. They could pick up her scent.

16.
when scavenging scraps from locked caches.

Under what circumstances was she required to scavenge?

17.
I knew Scanran.

And that is the language of...elves?

Second part, overall: This too seems like a skeleton.
1. Make your characters more reactive, more emotional, give them more thought. That builds them as characters, but also the story, the atmosphere (tense, relaxed, dangerous, etc.). Use that to give more detail to the readers.
2. Imagine the environment. Everything, from the houses to a little pebble that might sit on the sidewalk. Then decide what you can use, what your character can use, touch, feel, see, acknowledge, bump into.
3. Describe actions more. Why? Because, for example, running can take different forms depending on what situation one happens to be in. Is it desperate? Is it calm? Is it influenced by injury or by thought? Does she run faster and slows down when she thinks she found a way?
4. Never forget about the people you mentioned, even if they have no hard part in the story. They can have a voice as well, they are not just items in the background you can just discard.


All:
After writing, start asking questions that a reader might ask when reading your story. Then you decide if you need to add more detail or if you want to leave it simple on purpose.

All in all, the story is good, you just need it to get it flowing, seem a bit more natural. My tip in this matter is for you to "act" as your characters. Imagine the situation and then try to figure out what you would do, what your reaction to a certain thing would be. Then, write it down and see if it fits with your characters. If it does not, adjust.

I know it looks bad :) It really isn't. Take what I've said in this review as tips, try them out, see if they work with you.

You have a good thing going. Keep it up!

Sharkcat out!




Featherstone says...


See, the problem is, I don't want to do the info-dump. I used to describe everything in the most infinite detail and spend too much time on everything, leaving it slow and too hard to read and too much information to absorb. How can I find a middle ground?

Thanks for reading and reviewing!



SharkTheCat says...


Leave small hints then. You don't have to describe everything to the spec, you just need enough to make the reader go "Oh! Ok. Fair enough! Now, about that action?"
Otherwise, you risk leaving them scratching their heads and wondering if they missed something.
I mentioned in my review: ask yourself questions. One of them is: "Is this necessary now?" Another one: "Does it matter at this point?"
With this try to get a range on your descriptions or as you put it "info-dump".

Easier said than done, I know, but practice it. Start small, build up, and then cut, so to speak. In that tone, be careful not to cut too much.

Another way to make info-dumps bearable is to spread them around, meaning keep coming back through the action and giving another little fleck during an appropriate moment, of course. People are pretty quick to catch the information when connections are made with a character,item,action, etc.



Featherstone says...


Rightio. Thanks!



SharkTheCat says...


You're welcome! Hope you'll have me for your next chapters, that if you don't mind. :)



Featherstone says...


I will never say no to a review :)

If you'd like to be tagged, I can tag you, too.



SharkTheCat says...


I'd love to, thanks :)



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Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:36 pm
regismare wrote a review...



Hi feathersone9086! regismare here to review this first chapter. I need an exciting series to binge on, so prepare for a lot of reviews!

First thing: I really enjoyed reading about the world you've constructed here. It's well-formed and believable and your characters fit perfectly into it. You get everything across to the reader without using a huge, tiring info-dump which is a really nice change to some other stories of the same genre. I especially liked how aspects of humans and animals come together and complement each other so well in this world and setting. I also like how you're doing different things with the werewolves, so this promises to be a really interesting story!

I felt that some parts of this were too brief and not enough attention was paid to bits that could have been scary, imposing, and effective. The biggest bit that had this issue in my opinion was when her father transformed. How did he transform. What does a werewolf transformation look like in your world? We don't even get an adjective to describe the shifting. I also disliked the part when Agrona blacks out. It's unclear why she blacked out. Why? I took it that she either lost control or was blinded by instincts while escaping. Either one of these could be elaborated on a little more to have a really exciting and interesting bit of writing - and it could shed a little more light on the werewolves and the world in general.

Now, for the nitpicks:

just our hands and our wits.

I love this line so much.

howls of werewolves and their kind

This bit is a little unclear. Werewolves and their kind? So, is there more than one supernatural species there? Perhaps elaborate.

maybe 15 inches long

Numbers should ideally be written in their word form. Aside from that, this bit seems a little off - it seems to precise and almost scientific to have these werewolves suddenly estimating in inches when everything else seemed so feral and animalistic. 15 inches is about 40cm, which is about the length of a leg or part of a leg or a skull or something. I'd recommend using something like that to show the fang's size to keep with the world and add to the mood. It'd also add a sense of power to Grimm, if that's what you want or would like.

changing from that of a man to a wolf.

How did he change? What did he look like? What feelings did this inspire in her?

easily discernible in the cacophony of howls.

n i c e

This really got me pumped for chapter two! I hope this review was helpful in some way. Happy review day : )

-regismare




Featherstone says...


Thanks! So you aren't really supposed to have any idea why she blacked out. It'll make sense later :wink: Thanks for taking the time to read and review!



regismare says...


Oooohh, I see. You're welcome : )



Featherstone says...


Would you like me to tag you for Huntress updates or nah?



regismare says...


Yeah, that would be good, thanks : )



Featherstone says...


You're welcome ^_^



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:39 pm
ChieTheWriter says...



OK OK LIKE DUDE.


Plz like write more.




Featherstone says...


Haha, I'll post the next chapter when it's fully written. If you wanna see the first bit, you can see my LMS thread in the writer's corner. Glad you enjoyed it! :)



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Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:55 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey!

I actually haven't read very many werewolf stories, so this was an exciting read! Werewolves are pretty cool creatures and I'm really interested to see what you're going to do with them.

I'm liking Agrona so far - she seems pretty sarcastic and I do love me sarcastic characters. And though it's only the first chapter, I like the plot! The idea that Agrona can't be made a werewolf is pretty cool, and it seems unique (then again, I don't know the cliches in the werewolf genre).

I'm a bit confused as to how Agrona got to the hovel (right after she noticed her parents were going to kill her). She goes out black - which gives me the clue that she was attacked - but it doesn't make sense as the why they'd bring her behind a building. If she ran there herself, maybe making this more clear would help? I don't know, I thought that certain area and to what actually happened was a bit foggy.

“You wouldn't happen to be in need of a job?”


I really like this last line, but I feel like it is just missing something. Even an action of the beta/alpha guy (pursed lips, quirked eyebrow, etc) may make it feel more whole and conclusive. Though it's not a completely abrupt stop to the chapter (I actually love the feel of it), it does feel a bit lacking.

Also, in their conversation at the end, maybe reminding the readers that she's in a room full of other people would be nice to remind the readers that there are more people than just Agrona and the beta/alpha guy. Even the gasp of some people, or whispering in the background, maybe, could be tiny background hints.

I think that's it! I love love love this plot line already. If you're going to be posting more do you think you could let me know? I'd love to read and review it.

~EternalRain




Featherstone says...


I'd be happy to tag you on future chapters, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! : ) I don't know the werewolf genre well, either, so that makes two of us. That bit is supposed to be foggy because she doesn't understand it either, so I'll leave you hanging a bit there (muahahaha!). I'll go and throw some more stuff at the end, though. Thanks for reading and reviewing!



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Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:16 pm
Feltrix wrote a review...



Hello! Feltrix reviewing!

I'm writing things I think you should correct as I read, so this may seem unorganized. Because it is.

There should be a space between I and hit in the first paragraph.

Maybe describe the opponent a little. And the protagonist. And give us a name.

"...the chorusing howls of werewolves and their kind..." This seems sort of redundant. If it's just werewolves, cut the "and their kind", and if it's wolves and werewolves or something else entirely, specify.

"Limply, he fell to the ground. Lifeless." I would combine these two sentences into "He fell lifelessly to the ground." or something similar.

"I raised my arms and howled in victory." Up 'till now, our protagonist has seemed pretty reluctant to kill people. This shows the opposite. I get that it's werewolf custom or something similar, but I would add that she felt guilty.

"Out of the crowd stepped an elf with dark brown hair." There are elves now? Huh?

"I ducked my head as appropriate as a wolf of lower rank than our alpha." I understand what this sentence is supposed to say, but it's formatted in a really confusing way.

"either from a bite or-" Or what?

"The short version is this:" I have a reluctance to address the reader. You could just cut this section of the sentence or call me crazy (a reasonable response) or use dialogue instead.

"I guess that concerned my parents, because when they returned one night from what I’d assumed was hunting they’d actually been talking to Eoin." Show don't tell.

"The next thing I knew I was behind a ramshackle hovel" Describe the hovel.

"even arm wrestling." I'd get rid of the "even."

"A wolf-child was someone like me- born human, raised by the Pack." I think that's pretty self explanatory, so I'd move it to the section discussing lycanthropy.

Overall, this is very interesting and I can't wait to see where it goes. There are some pacing issues, you need to step back and make transitions, but all the same, it's a good read. Be careful of reader whiplash, but above all, keep writing!




Featherstone says...


Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D




"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard