z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Heir of Asratoil - Prologue

by enidskittyteef


A small, grey ball of fluff shivered under the pouring rain. It was lying on the steps of a tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere. There was yelling inside the cottage, a man, and a boy. There was a loud crash and the boy stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. He was busy tucking a small leather journal into his satchel and he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He stepped on to the last step and felt a squishy lump. As he panicked and jumped off the stairs, he heard a crack along with eerie silence from the creature he stepped on. He looked down and saw a fluffy, grey kitten. He scooped it up and gasped.

"A Tabaxi!" he stared at the small humanoid kitten. Its big blue eyes were streaming tears. The kitten's tears mixed with the pouring rain, creating quite a sad sight for the boy. He took a closer look and saw that the Tabaxi's leg had been broken.

"Can you talk little guy" the boy frowned.

The kitten shook his head. His tears had begun to slow down, and he wriggled in the boy's arms.

"We should take you to the healer in the nearby town. It's only a few hours walk, and I was heading there anyways," the kitten began to move his paws around in a series of signs.

The boy stared at the kitten, puzzled. He stood staring at the kitten for a second before speaking, "Sign language? I don't know sign language, sorry little guy," he gave the kitten a sympathetic look. The kitten stared back with huge sparkling eyes.

The boy opened his mouth to ask the kitten something else, but he was stopped by the sound of the door opening. He ran to the side of the cottage, kitten in his hands. The boy held his breath as he clung to the kitten. They both shivered from fear along with the chilly rain that streamed from the sky.

"Boy! Where are you?" a large man had emerged from the house, screaming angrily into the wet night. The kitten wondered who this man was, and why the boy was running away. The kitten watched the man, intrigued. He opened his maw in shock as he saw the man's outline in the moonlight. An elf! He thought. He turned to look back at the shivering boy. The kitten's eyes widened; the boy was an elf too! He was pulled from his thoughts by a loud slam. He and the boy both jumped at the noise. The man had gone back inside the house.

After a moment of silence, the boy spoke, "That was my uncle," the boy explained, "He has been taking care of me since my parents disappeared. He hates me. I decided to run away and go on an adventure! My dad used to go on a lot. He wrote about them in his journal. I'm going to do the same!" The boy smiled. The kitten licked his hand in reply. They both sat there for a moment, the pale moon's glow staring at them like a giant eye.

"Why exactly were you on the stairs of my house?" the boy's face contorted into a puzzled look. The kitten made a writing motion with his hand. The boy stared for a second, the puzzled look still there. It disappeared as he realized what the kitten meant.

"Sorry, I spaced out for a second there," the boy patted the kitten on the head. The kitten let out a small purr. The boy reached for his satchel and pulled out a piece of paper, ink, and a quill. Small raindrops hit the paper. The rain is slowing down. Once it stops, we should leave, thought the boy. The kitten was scribbling on the paper in messy handwriting. He came to a stop and handed the boy the paper. In messy handwriting the paper read:

My name is Silent Quill. Call me Quill. My family abandoned me in the nearby woods. I walked for a while until I got to your house. I come from a rich royal family. I know that war is coming. They abandoned me to save their last heir.

The boy sat there, a billion questions racing through his head. This kitten sure has a big vocabulary, he thought. He continued thinking about what the kitten said. He decided to ask one question at a time. He took a deep breath,

"Ok. So, who is your family?" the boy asked. Quill took the paper along with the quill and wrote:

My family is the royals of Asratoil, the capital city of Wistimis. Do you know the places I speak of? They are on every map of Zespiria.

He stopped writing for a second and looked at the boy for a reply. The boy nodded. Quill continued:

My father is the king, and my mother is the queen. My brother was in line for the throne until he died in a terrible accident. I am now next in line. Except my parents abandoned me.

The boy decided to ask the next question, "What is the war that is coming?"

Quill began to write:

My father told me little about it. I did overhear some details. There is unrest in the people, they think my father will crack under the pressure to protect the kingdom. He is protecting it from an army of beasts. They are led by a king. The king of Lavoria, his name is King Assyrius. Lavoria is not on any map that I have seen before, it is one of the banished lands.

The boy's eyes widened as he read what Quill knew. The banished lands! Thought the boy, people never mention those! Quill handed the quill, ink, and paper back to the boy. The boy quickly put them in his bag. They both sat there for a while, exhausted.

"We should probably begin walking to the town. "Your leg is hurt," the boy said as he stood up, Quill still in his hands. He began to walk down a path into the woods, not even glancing back at the cottage. 


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Thu Mar 23, 2023 3:00 am
rubyxbanks wrote a review...



Don't mind the fact that I'm reviewing this months after it was posted.. I found your profile when I was messing around on the welcome forums and I wanted to check out your writing.

The beginning immediately piqued my interest. I wanted to know more about the unknown creature on the cottage steps. Throughout the prologue, I was given more questions than answers. Why does the boy's uncle hate him? Why did Quill's parents abandon him? Why does nobody talk about the banished lands? This motivates the reader to keep reading. I like the details that you included because it creates a tense atmosphere, such as the rainy weather. Also, I love the concept of a cat-like humanoid.

I suggest that you avoid passive voice. It'll make your writing sound even stronger. For example, you could replace "There was a loud crash" with "A loud crash echoed from inside the cottage." I also felt like the character's backstories were being "dumped" on me in their dialogue, which seemed unnatural. I would expect them to be in a hurry, since Quill's leg is broken, so they wouldn't have time for long explanations. Maybe you could have the boy explain that he lives with his uncle, but save details about his parents' disappearance for later in the story where they can be integrated naturally.

Overall, this is super cool and I want to read more :) As a side note, you have an awesome username and your profile is super cool.. kinda gives Myspace vibes




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Wed Dec 07, 2022 1:33 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



It looks like the boy and Quill only have each other. It’s them against the war. What will become of them? Will they be able to stay together? Or will outside forces keep them apart? Will they succeed in their mission or fail? Who knows what will befall the both of them? I think that they might be really good friends. That’s the energy I’m getting from them.

I wish you a lovely day/night!




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Wed Dec 07, 2022 6:54 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! And I see you joined pretty recently, so a warm Welcome to YWS too!! Hope you enjoy your time here!

First Impression: Well this is a lovely little piece here. Now of course its hard to judge without seeing the actual first chapter, but I can honestly say this could work very well as a first chapter here and doesn't need to just be the prologue, cause really this would work as a lovely launch platform to things here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A small, grey ball of fluff shivered under the pouring rain. It was lying on the steps of a tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere. There was yelling inside the cottage, a man, and a boy. There was a loud crash and the boy stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. He was busy tucking a small leather journal into his satchel and he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He stepped on to the last step and felt a squishy lump. As he panicked and jumped off the stairs, he heard a crack along with eerie silence from the creature he stepped on. He looked down and saw a fluffy, grey kitten. He scooped it up and gasped.

"A Tabaxi!" he stared at the small humanoid kitten. Its big blue eyes were streaming tears. The kitten's tears mixed with the pouring rain, creating quite a sad sight for the boy. He took a closer look and saw that the Tabaxi's leg had been broken.


Well that is intriguing right off the bat. First of all lovely description there to start with. Its pretty simple bet it lets us know pretty much all we need to know about this little kitten and then the man as well, and of course immediately there's an interesting choices there in the description with the kitten being humanoid and crying real tears which then promptly gets our attention quite nicely as readers. Loving this start so far.

"Can you talk little guy" the boy frowned.

The kitten shook his head. His tears had begun to slow down, and he wriggled in the boy's arms.

"We should take you to the healer in the nearby town. It's only a few hours walk, and I was heading there anyways," the kitten began to move his paws around in a series of signs.

The boy stared at the kitten, puzzled. He stood staring at the kitten for a second before speaking, "Sign language? I don't know sign language, sorry little guy," he gave the kitten a sympathetic look. The kitten stared back with huge sparkling eyes.


Oooh well, this is opening up so many more questions already. The simple idea that its normal to ask if this kitten can talk is already enough to make thing very interesting but then the idea of sign language there is another matter entirely. Well now I'm very much hooked at this point.

The boy opened his mouth to ask the kitten something else, but he was stopped by the sound of the door opening. He ran to the side of the cottage, kitten in his hands. The boy held his breath as he clung to the kitten. They both shivered from fear along with the chilly rain that streamed from the sky.

"Boy! Where are you?" a large man had emerged from the house, screaming angrily into the wet night. The kitten wondered who this man was, and why the boy was running away. The kitten watched the man, intrigued. He opened his maw in shock as he saw the man's outline in the moonlight. An elf! He thought. He turned to look back at the shivering boy. The kitten's eyes widened; the boy was an elf too! He was pulled from his thoughts by a loud slam. He and the boy both jumped at the noise. The man had gone back inside the house.


Well that's interesting. For starters we have the elf situation and what seemed like a bit of a random POV shift. I'm gonna guess this is maybe meant to be third person with omniscience judging by how that jumped so quickly back and forth so, that caught me slightly off guard but nothing wrong with that. Onto the matter of this man, well that raises even more questions although judging from the reactions they both had, its pretty easy to guess the mystery behind that.

After a moment of silence, the boy spoke, "That was my uncle," the boy explained, "He has been taking care of me since my parents disappeared. He hates me. I decided to run away and go on an adventure! My dad used to go on a lot. He wrote about them in his journal. I'm going to do the same!" The boy smiled. The kitten licked his hand in reply. They both sat there for a moment, the pale moon's glow staring at them like a giant eye.


Okayy that seems like a bit of backstory we'll be revisiting eventually, definitely not the sort of thing that's going to be able to be contained with just the one throwaway line there that we've got at the moment. Also it seems we've got two new friends here already judging from the kitten's reaction.

"Sorry, I spaced out for a second there," the boy patted the kitten on the head. The kitten let out a small purr. The boy reached for his satchel and pulled out a piece of paper, ink, and a quill. Small raindrops hit the paper. The rain is slowing down. Once it stops, we should leave, thought the boy. The kitten was scribbling on the paper in messy handwriting. He came to a stop and handed the boy the paper. In messy handwriting the paper read:


Ooooh well this kitten can write as well. Ahh, this is really really starting to kick off here in terms of the mystery. Definitely not a species I've heard of before so I'm very excited to see how they actually fit into this world here.

My name is Silent Quill. Call me Quill. My family abandoned me in the nearby woods. I walked for a while until I got to your house. I come from a rich royal family. I know that war is coming. They abandoned me to save their last heir.

The boy sat there, a billion questions racing through his head. This kitten sure has a big vocabulary, he thought. He continued thinking about what the kitten said. He decided to ask one question at a time. He took a deep breath,


OKayy...well that is quite the origin story for this kitten. I do love that we don't have the kitten just playing around here with anything, but rather the kitten just cuts straight to the chase and goes straight for the kill with this one and makes it quite clear exactly what's happened.

My father is the king, and my mother is the queen. My brother was in line for the throne until he died in a terrible accident. I am now next in line. Except my parents abandoned me.


Well I don't know the logic in that but I suppose there must be some reason for that given this whole war situation. It definitely does make sense that the royal family might chose a decision like that as much out of left field as it seems.

My father told me little about it. I did overhear some details. There is unrest in the people, they think my father will crack under the pressure to protect the kingdom. He is protecting it from an army of beasts. They are led by a king. The king of Lavoria, his name is King Assyrius. Lavoria is not on any map that I have seen before, it is one of the banished lands.

The boy's eyes widened as he read what Quill knew. The banished lands! Thought the boy, people never mention those! Quill handed the quill, ink, and paper back to the boy. The boy quickly put them in his bag. They both sat there for a while, exhausted.

"We should probably begin walking to the town. "Your leg is hurt," the boy said as he stood up, Quill still in his hands. He began to walk down a path into the woods, not even glancing back at the cottage.


Well off one goes on an adventure. I love the way you introduce that war there too. It seems like the sort of vague information a father would give to a child which is also perfect to give us readers enough vague things to get all worried without revealing so much that mystery is ruined. A love place to end here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think you've got yourself a pretty strong start right here. It definitely works wonders in terms of showcasing a bit of the world and these two who I assume are perhaps the main characters. The premise here is also intriguing that I would be curious enough to read on.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






This review was super helpful! I'm glad you liked the story so far! Thanks so much!




If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"