Chapter one
~Dream~
I’m at the drinking fountain, leaning over and letting the cold water in my mouth. I stand up about to go up the ramp when I see a man going into the cafeteria. Klaus. I gulp then slowly walk up the ramp. Nobody was around in the hallway. I was alone. I turn and face the door. I watch him as he walks around looking for someone. Me. Tears threatened to spill. I was so scared. I knew this day was gonna happen someday, but It was today.
I walk into the cafeteria, waiting for him to turn around and notice me. He then did and I stared into his eyes as he smirked at me. The fear inside of me told me to turn around and run away and I listened to it. I ran and hit a body, Pan’s. He turned me around and had one arm on my waist and his other hand on my mouth so my screams are muffled and dragged me away.
I look to the broken clock and see that it says 5:16. nobody is here and they can’t hear me. A few tears are now spilling and are running down my cheeks hitting his hand. Pan still is holding me as Klaus comes over to us. He walks over to me and I close my eyes.
“Open your eyes love.” He commands. I slowly open my eyes so my silver ones are looking into his blue eyes. He smiles.
“I told you that I would see you.” He says and then all I see is white.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, Emma! Adrian here for a quick review.
The first thing I really want to comment on is the dream start. It's not new, it's not original, it doesn't bring that much to the table. In fact, it's used mostly as a cheap grab to lure the reader in and hope that they stay even though everything that they've been given is false. How can they read on if everything they just read had little to do with the actual setting and plot? What type of relationship does that create between the author and the reader?
That's all up to the author to decide, but there are multitude of other ways to establish a good beginning alongside with foreshadowing and an entrance into the main character's head. While there might be nothing new under the sun, that doesn't mean that people can't bring refreshing ideas to the table.
Another thing I'd like to bring to attention is the switching between tenses all throughout the entire chapter. The main character is drinking, then they were alone. They turn and face the door, they were so scared. This would probably read much more clearly if a tense could be found and stuck to throughout the entire piece. ^^
As far as characters go, I don't really have all that much to say. The main character is scared, the main character is scared, the main character probably has something to do with dreams. While this might be a look into their head, I haven't really seen all that much. Klaus is probably scary, because of the reaction. Pan also is probably a scary presence. But there isn't that much meat on the bones, so there isn't all that much to say.
I do hope that you'll keep on writing!
~Adrian, Knight of RED
This is Yams here for a review!
From this we have no idea what's going on so far. Is Dream a name? Or does it simply mean that this is all a dream? Because if it's a dream, then all this didn't actually happen and "I knew this day was gonna happen someday, but it was today." seems invalid since it's a dream and not real life. Also, you don't have to start every sentence with "I". This is a problem I have while writing in first or third person since it's the character's names, but try to find other ways to start the sentence.
I feel like it'd be better if you did something like:
Or something of that sort instead of that awkward sentence you had.
I feel like these lines are trying to be powerful and trying to emit emotion but nothing is coming out of them. I'm not saying you have to establish everything in the first 2,000 words, I hate when people think like that. Just try to explain what's actually going on and give it emotion with sharper words than "I was so scared." Instead of that you could use something with more powerful words. The word "terrified" is more powerful than a simple "scared".
My main problem is that we have no idea what the world is like or what the characters or like or anything that is happening. The cliffhanger didn't shock me or anything. It felt weak.
Have a great day!