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16+

The Gateway (EDITED)- Part I

by emilia9ludenberg


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

CANTO I

I

Gum-filled streets plagued the highway

A man's forlorn expression, how he cries

"The end is nigh; let's be high"

Chemists declared 420 is a mystical affair...

***

Naturally must be exorcised

Beware, for His crystallised visions

Terrify even the most pernicious eye, of a hawk's precision

Gliding on jubilance; a Biologist's spectacle!

***

Keen to prepare their petri slides

Putridly scented in nature, yet still useful

Surveying fragments of their dreary, regretful,

Lab-induced teary mice, devoid of sorrow...

***

At least thou art equipped with Oxbridge blue-eyes

Producing an elixir of opalescent cries,

***

and utter terrors, of tranquility

For though they occupy an equal area of harmony,

they yearn for equity.

***

II

Sacre bleu! The Do-Goaders are outraged

How can one in such an age, o' the Freemens

Use test-subjects; o, thy heathens!

Didst, thou forget to memorise thy specification?

***

Those symbols of Nature, decaying silently

Unto a masque, of piety.

***

Purge thy sins; translate thee into the legacy,

of the Opportunistics.

E'en though the Do-Goaders' testament hath succumbed, 

to the force, o'  the Narcissistic. 

***

And let the whitish-blue mist, stem the ultimate stream

of thy barracks, of useless dreams.

***

III

But the Scientists are not thy Saviour(s)

Only work in their self-centred favours, 

they scoff.

***

Divinity and charismatic experiences

Likely dealt a vicious hand of narcotic obliqueness;

taste their sweetness,

Taste the blandness of the kaleidoscope o' Ambiguity!

***

The Scientists decided, to dote upon the mystical, remote

aspects o' Nature herself, and her fleeting company.

The search for a much-needed antidote was necessary,

to combat rifles, of gluttony.

***


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32 Reviews

Points: 43
Reviews: 32

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Wed May 24, 2023 12:21 am
julia002 wrote a review...



Usually, I would read something like this and not leave a review, because I did have a hard time understanding it. But, I feel like telling you what I think because I know when I write I will take anyone's opinion. I've only read this through twice, so bare with me because I don't understand a lot of it. It seemed to start out as a poem about weed, which got me hooked. And I thought "Oh is it called gateway because people call weed a gateway drug???" But then, to be honest, I got a little lost. Your imagery is so sick and I think you have a cool way of writing, but I was lost on the main message of this piece... I don't know I need help lol



Random avatar
emilia9ludenberg says...


Hello :)
Thank you for your review; genuinely really appreciate it considering I have re read my poem and already feel like it could be so much better
Apologies for the lack of understanding; for some reason everything I write is more complicated than perhaps necessary- although I will say that though there are some underlying themes to it, it does not consist of just one main message. Rather it is a collection of miscellaneous thoughts, sort of intertwined in a way which enables multiple interpretations from many (not done well). Also the title is both the weed reference, and a more spiritualistic meaning too :)



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459 Reviews

Points: 10092
Reviews: 459

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Tue May 23, 2023 9:19 pm
Poor Imp wrote a review...



Oy, somehow that wildly evoked Bob Dylan for me. Which is absolutely a compliment. I had a lot fun reading, especially tripping over lines or neologisms that made me wonder if you meant one thing or another -- or both. (Something Dylan is ace at doing.)

Questions:

Do you mean 'gum-filled' or 'gun-filled'?

'Do-goaders' or 'do-gooders'?

'Do-goaders' is a fantastic image, by the way.

'Deer' as in the animal, and intentionally wrong, or do you mean 'dear'?

A few suggestions or thoughts:

The punctuation and capitalization seemed sometimes intentional, sometimes not. It wasn't clear as I travelled through the nearly-stream-of-consciousness that the capitals meant anything or not. If that's intentional, I like the idea; but I think ultimately it's confusing in a way that draws away from the subversive and ironic confusion. (For ex.: Why is

Their ideas as aligned as the Black Stars
...black stars capitalized?)

As to the end, it's the only bit that had less bite than the rest. I think that's because you almost completely use tangible images, but "tenacious drill" was abstract. Drill of what and whose tenacity?

Apologies for being a little scattershot in the review. Hoping I can get back to this for a line by line.


Toodles,

IMP



Random avatar
emilia9ludenberg says...


Hiya, thanks so much for the review:)
Thank you for comparing me to Bob Dylan; from what I've heard, he's great
As to the questions about word-choice, I did intentionally put "gum" to depict what I believe to be an accurate description of the streets in the UK and other parts of the world
And also for other references
"Deer" was also intentional as I tried (unsuccessfully) to act as though confiding in any animal besides a human is more worthwhile, for many reasons (my opinion, at least) and also tried to do... Something else
Do-gooders is what I meant too. I think I went a bit overboard with the capitalization- the majority of it is symbolic ish, however I think the "black stars" part was capitalised mistakenly- although I didn't literally mean stars that were black (still an astrological reference, though). I'm not great at endings- it's always the part I struggle with the most. I did initially think it was effective (particularly since I enjoy abstract concepts) however I suppose it is too vague on a level which is difficult to explain, and perhaps one should make of that what they will? I might change it, though- it was half intentional, however. Thank you so much for writing such a detailed review, and the fact you are willing to dedicate ample amounts of time (possibly) to analyse it *line by line* is actually amazing. I highly appreciate criticisms that are not overtly harsh/degrading, and this review is one of the best I have ever seen (at least so far- haven't been on this website for long, so who knows.)

Apologies for the lengthy reply :)




As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie