Jan. 4
Today Little Hoot showed up at the window again! I had just gotten through with my math homework when I heard a tap on the window.
“Present!” I heard a muffled chirp from behind the window, “Present! Present, friend!”
I slid open the window and let him in. He was carrying a small red box, wrapped with a light blue ribbon (I kept the ribbon, it’s my favorite color). When I opened the window up and let him in, his feathers exploded EVERYWHERE (It was really messy, I had to scoop them all up and throw them away before Mom and Dad got home). I picked up the box and opened it up. Inside was this pair of sky blue gloves. They have wildflowers embroidered up the sides and back of the hand, before exploding at the fingertips like fireworks! They’re really pretty, and they feel like they’re giving my hands little hugs when I wear them. And what’s even better was that on the box was a note that said “from Daniel”. He’s so nice, and I saw him today! Well, not really. I only saw his shadow. Through the window I could see his shadow behind a tree, so I waved to see if it was really him. And the shadow waved back! It’s kind of creepy, but also really exciting. He’s kind of like a guardian angel, always bringing me little gifts and messages. I put the gloves in the hole in the wall inside my closet with all the other knick-knacks Daniel and Little Hoot have brought me. I always slide my hamper back in front of it when I’m done (and I’ll put this journal behind it, too).
On a slightly less happy note, it’s getting harder and harder to sleep at night. It’s cool talking to owls and lizards and things in the daytime. It’s just hearing the animals whispering at night. I can’t go to sleep listening to the spiders beneath my floorboards talking to each other, or the crickets singing, the owls screaming and sighing in the trees-it’s to much, and I can’t drown them out. I’ve begged Mom and Dad to get me a white noise maker. I think they might finally cave. I hope they will. I haven’t slept well in forever. And I mean, it’s not like I can just say, “Hey mom, dad, I can talk to animals! And get this, at night, they talk really, really, loud!” They would think something was wrong with me.
I guess that’s why I like Daniel so much, even though I haven’t ever seen him (and I don’t really know anything about him). I know I should be alarmed that some weird guy is telling his animal friends to bring me gifts and notes (that sounds so weird when I write it wow), but it’s also kind of comforting. It’s a reminder that someone else hears them too, I guess. Anyways, it’s really late, so I need to go to sleep. I have school tomorrow (ugh). I’ll try and write more tomorrow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello! Sorry for the lateness of this review! This chapter is pretty short, so we'll see how much I can unpack from it.
It's really hard to capture a narrative and still make it sound natural as a diary entry, since naturally the diary's owner will have more information than the reader and won't need to mention it, but I think you did pretty well here. You included enough detail that we can tell what's going on. You did a pretty good job portraying the narrator's personality too, especially since we didn't see her interact with any other people this chapter. I think she's pretty girly, though I can't really tell her age.
The biggest thing that bothered me was that I think you lost some of the humor that you had in the last chapter, even though I think this was supposed to be fairly lighthearted. You have a few jokes, but none quite as good as the colorful imagery from the last chapter. I think I'll like this chapter better once I know its purpose, and the change in style will fit better once we know the character.
Also, you use a lot of parentheses here. While it does make the journal-style seem less formal, I think that using this many is a little excessive and distracting. Maybe narrow it down to just one or two.
Overall, a pretty good job! I can't wait to see how this develops! Also, I've just realized that I forgot to follow you. I'm going to do that now.
Wow okay. So the name Peter has definitely popped up before, and that's a little concerning. But I'll get back to that, I guess.
Technical Comments:
1. Since this is clearly a journal entry, I think you could play around a little more with punctuation and grammatical error. I'm not sure what age the writer is, but depending on that, the writing craft may be more or less pulled away from "proper" writing.
2. On the other hand, you still do a good job incorporating vernacular and slang into this writing. I especially like the kid's use of parentheses (that little 'ugh' at the end is perfect).
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. While I can't really find any connection between this chapter and the last (aside from Peter...), this is a section that really adds to the tone of the story. I didn't exactly read magic as being anything particularly malicious in the first chapter, but the interaction between Peter and the journal-writer in this chapter gives a good contrast to that. Or it does if I'm reading this right. The journal-er's comment that Peter is a little creepy gave me the feeling that not all the magic in this story will be good or neutral.
2. Good choice choosing to include this entry as the second chapter. It sets a good precedent for how you'll be formatting this novel in the future.
3. I can't wait to learn who the journal-writer is! And if the Peter he's meeting is the same younger twin from the previous chapter.
Overall, great job! You've raised a lot more questions in this chapter. I just hope I get a few answers to tide me over at some point.
-Buggie
(YOU KNOW WHAT, the name Peter wasn't supposed to be two characters, I just messed up and named two different characters the same name. I've changed the creepy guy's name to Daniel for now. I'm sorry to accidentally mislead you with a potential plot twist, I think this just goes to show how much more time I need to spend editing, lol. Thanks for pointing it out, I would have never caught it if you hadn't said something!) ...oh the stupid mistakes I can make...
I did struggle with writing a journal entry from the point of view of a younger girl, so I will definitely play around with grammar and wording more. Thank you so much for the review! (And thank you again for being the reason why no one else will be confused with the naming thing)
Haha no worries!
@Ventomology, @QueenofSomewhere
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