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E - Everyone

You

by dogsrule5


A/N: This isn't my best work, but I've had a crush on this guy for a while now, but he's dating someone else, and I couldn't think of a better way to feel better, and get my feelings out, than to write a poem! Here ya go! :D

You,

Can always make me smile.

You,

Can always make me laugh till' I'm in tears.

You,

Wear cologne that smells like heaven to me.

You,

Give the best hugs I've ever felt.

But,

It could never work.

You,

Are dating her.

You're,

Dating her, and it doesn't matter what I think.

You,

Love her, not me.

Maybe,

I messed up somewhere.

Maybe,

You'll never love me.

But,

That doesn't change how much I love you.

You,

Make me feel happy.

You,

Give me butterflies in my stomach, whenever you walk in the room.

You're,

Dating someone I can no longer talk to.

You're

Dating my ex friend. 

You,

Love her, and that's fine.

But,

I need you. I want you.

I love you.

You,

Give me this feeling I can't describe.

You,

Are who my friends would call a crush.

We,

Will never be more than friends.

You,

Love her, my ex best friend.

I'll,

Live like this, and accept it.

But,

I want you,

Know,

That I need you,

But most of all...

I love you <3


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Fri Nov 22, 2019 1:48 am
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey dogsrule5, Katja here to review your poem. As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. With that being said, let's get into the review!

Overall Thoughts

Your poem is an expression of love for someone who is already with another. I like that your poem addresses the person directly and is short and bittersweet, leaving them with the proclamation that even though you believe you could never be more than friends, you still want, need, and love this person.

Suggestions

Instead of the one-word lines, I recommend keeping them with their corresponding lines. For example, using your poem:


You can always make me smile.
You can always make me laugh till' I'm in tears.
You wear cologne that smells like heaven to me.
You give the best hugs I've ever felt.


The pauses by separating them break the rhythm but also this helps keep the poem neater and more readable *in my opinion*. Not an error, simply my opinion~

That's all I have for suggestions!

Summary

I'm glad you were able to express yourself through poetry! It's a great outlet for emotion. :)

Overall I really enjoyed reading this and I like the repetition which emphasizes your need to express the way you feel to them. Well done on this poem. I hope my review was helpful.

Keep Writing,

~Katja




dogsrule5 says...


Glad you liked the poem! Thanks for the review and suggestions! :D



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Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:59 am
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Hereticteen wrote a review...



I respect your approach to poetry. I've never seen a poem structure like this before. It sounds obsessive and repetitive but I like how you go into detail about him. If I were to rewrite this, I might focus more on the details that are specific to him, like the way that he acts in public or around other people. Does he present himself as cool or an outcast? Do you two have any common ground? Details like this could help make the poem more personal and unique. Needs some minor work, but for the most-part, you did a great job!




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Sun Nov 17, 2019 8:49 pm
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Raelyn wrote a review...



yes, I agree poems are a great way to dump your feelings:) I do the same thing! Now about your poem! I really like this because it was almost like a song in my head. I really like the reputation of the word you we and the separating single words. You really go into detail about this whole situation. I like the confidence in your poem I guess. there are certain words that you use that I didn't expect to be in this poem but you didn't hesitate and you really made it work. this poem actually flows really well. at first, when I saw all of the single words break up it was gonna sound a little choppy but it really just added to the piece. I also love at the end here: That I need you,

But most of all...

I love you <3

I love this part becasue it breaks the pattern and really wraps it up:)

Now for some suggestion. Note: these are all meant to be helpful not a personal attack.

You say I need you I want you twice which is a little redudant. I might delete the top and keep the bottom.

you say X friend and X best friend which one if it? That kinda confused me.

Also here.
You,

Are dating her.

You're,

Dating her, and it doesn't matter what I think.

You say dating her twice which I think you should delete this top line.


Hope my suggestions are helpful. These are a lot of feelings. I am always here to talk and listen if you want to:) Just PM and Ill be there:)




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the suggestions and the review! I'm glad you liked the poem! And thanks it's a dramatic situation haha!



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Sun Nov 17, 2019 12:21 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Dogs!! I hardly ever get to review your work, so I'm here to review it like you asked me to. I've been meaning to review it but the last RevMo burned me out. So I haven't been doing it for a while. Anyway onto the review!!!

Let's begin!! So excited to get back into this.

So I would like to start out by saying this was a really well written poem, it may have been a little to repetitive for me, but it was still packed with deep emotions that just touched me, and made me all sad :\. So I love that. I did feel what you were getting a cross. I've never had a crush before so I don't know what it feels like, but reading your poem just showed me, it made me feel like I had known this guy for years, and that I liked him. That's how good you have made this. To put it in small words you just blew me away!

But sadly I did find one small thing towards the end of the poem.

But,

I want you,

Know,

Now in this I feel like something is missing, maybe a word. So to make this flow better and make it sound right I would put a 'to' in front of the 'Know'. When I put that together in my head it sounded better. But if you don't agree that's fine.

Anyway that's all form me for now. I really hope this helped in some way. I'm also super happy I got to review this. I should have done it earlier but it's done now. Never stop writing or posting on YWS and have a great day or night.

Your best friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion!! <3




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the poem, and had a great experience reading it! (and maybe now you'll know when you have a crush haha) :D





Your welcome! :D maybe I will, or maybe not. Only time will tell.



dogsrule5 says...


Maybe! Haha :P





;P



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Sat Nov 16, 2019 9:40 pm
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redvictory wrote a review...



I'm sorry man, stuff like this is never fun. I'm glad you felt like you could write down your feelings like this, though! I don't have too much to critique about it. I would try taking out the commas after all the one-word lines, it feels a little choppy with them. I would also decapitalize the beginning of the lines after that if you try it, that may help too. Also, I think "ex friend" needs a hyphen to make it "ex-friend." Neither of those are too big of problems, though! I could really feel the emotion in this. I hope it gets better for you lovely <3 And keep writing!




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked the poem! :)



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Sat Nov 16, 2019 4:34 pm
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Aari wrote a review...



Hi, dogsrule5. Love that username! My name is Aari, and I am here to give you a short review. I love that you found a way to pour your feelings out through this beautiful poem.

In the first four lines, you are talking about feelings and emotions. And then, you jumped into cologne, which sort of distracted me from the pure emotions you felt from this person. So, instead of saying "You, Wear cologne that smells like heaven to me". You could say something like "You, smell like earth, gardens, herbs, you smell like comfort" (I don't know, something that evokes emotion, and makes the readers understand how deeply you feel about this person).

I am also curious about the structure you chose for your poem. During the first part of the poem, I would say it was working. I'm not sure if it's necessary to structure it this way. Maybe you wanted to emphasize on some of those words. You might have your reasons to structure in this particular way. So, I won't say anything about that.

Also a tip for writing poems, after you're done writing it, make sure you read it out aloud to yourself to figure out the lines that might sound awkward. Because poems sound really good if they flow nicely.

But yeah, please keep on writing beautiful poems like these, and make sure you really pour out all your emotions because it's a beautiful thing to do.

Love,
Aari




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for your review and suggestions! I'm glad you liked the poem!




It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela