Hai :3
This is so old, but it caught my eye!! I figure I could give you my own interpretations in case you'd ever want to revise it. I have so many thoughts!!
The visceral imagery here is perfect!! There is such an intimate and haunting vibe all throughout the poem!! It sets this almost unspoken tension, like there’s so much beneath the surface that’s never directly acknowledged, and then you follow it up with that powerful contrast between the softness and decay. There are so many brutal yet beautiful metaphors ~~ Like, this connection is comforting but also destructive, and you can feel that push and pull from the first lines!!
sometimes i find myself craving your closeness,
wanting to be the crust on your gums.
!!! I am obsessed with this!!
It’s so unsettling but in a perfect way. There’s something raw and almost grotesque about it, which fits this obsession with closeness, like even the parts we don’t normally talk about (crust on gums?). It's like you want to be that close, but it’s also so tragic. You’re capturing this desperate need for connection, but it’s also kind of toxic, and I’m living for it!! Then, that creeping rot metaphor that keeps coming up is just so satisfying ~~ It lingers, just like this person does in your life!!
^^^ As much as I adore this line for its raw, grotesque brilliance, it might throw some people off a bit because it’s so unexpected!! I think you could lean into that shock value, or maybe tie it more directly to the themes of decay you’ve got going on. It works in the sense of craving closeness, but I wonder if you could bring it in earlier!! It's so random right now, you know? There’s a beautiful ambiguity to this poem, but I want some solid connections!! I don't see where it comes in.
you will never have me in a way that matters;
it hurts more than anything in my entire life.
Love, love, love !!!
This line absolutely floored me!! Like, the idea of being built out of someone else’s memories and loves is so achingly painful. This whole stanza has me in a vice!! That’s just heart-wrenching, because it’s like you’re recognizing that despite this intense connection, it’s never enough. It's brimming with intensity and yearning, but also a deep sadness that’s so palpable!! It's so bittersweet!! The honesty, the ache, and the general spite throughout are so real to me. It's sososo relatable!!
I think the house metaphor is absolutely stunning, but I almost want it earlier in the poem, or for you to tease at it before dropping it in the end!! It’s such a powerful idea ~~ Like, being made of everything they’ve loved!! I think you could build up to it a little more to amplify that punch at the end. With everything you've been through, where else could it come up? Keeping things vague does add to the universal feeling of longing, but more could help this!! Houses are so poetic, right?
Honestly, this whole poem just oozes with pain and longing, and it’s so beautifully crafted!! Your imagery is so vivid and visceral. I can feel the decay, the heaviness, the sharpness. It’s all so layered, and it really hit me!! Truly amazing work!! ^_^
- Payton
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Reviews: 76
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