i will bury you in time

by milkweed

my father, twirling a cigarette
between his fingers, told me he was
proud of me in passing.

he smelled like american spirits
and coaching football practice on saturdays.
those sweaty boys would line up outside of our
front door, knock away all of the morning.
he would say, "i don't want you around them.
you know how boys can be."

my first boyfriend's eyes went black
when he got angry. he would sleep in his jeans
and wake to new holes in the wall.

dad never hit anything,
but i could see him itching to;
twenty years of withdrawal were written on his hands,
white knuckles gripping the leather couch.
his gaze did not feel like home.

he was awfully sad for a man who had
everything. you could smell it coming off of him,
sticky like a fever. i wonder if that's what kept him
coming back, rarely, whenever he needed
proof of his consolation prize.

cigarette burns coat his arms.
i ask him what it feels like and he says
reparations.

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Sun Aug 18, 2024 3:59 am

yourlocalsatanist wrote a review...

thank you for your poem i loved it, i love how the poem is read like it is coming from your heart, you can tell all the words came from your emotions and your heart. i love how this poem can express the emotions you feel and overall it gives details. i hope you make more poems wether its about something heartbreaking and emotional or about something happy and joyful. thank you for joingin the YWS communite. you make this communite just by making your poetry and many other works. every work you do brings everyone in YWS together! be safe and have a good day or night!

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Thu Aug 08, 2024 3:31 am

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phantasm wrote a review...

Hi dissonance! Always refreshing reading your poetry, no matter how heartbreaking or emotional it is.

This poem especially drew me in with the subject matter. Loss of any kind is a difficult thing to carry, and I resonated with the feeling of losing a father figure. I think the theme of time passing and loss was very well established in the imagery. Some notable lines that were personal favorites:

twenty years of withdrawal were written on his hands,
white knuckles gripping the leather couch.

he was awfully sad for a man who had
everything. you could smell it coming off of him,
sticky like a fever.

i ask him what it feels like and he says
reparations.

From my memory, you always have ending lines that pack a punch, and this poem was no exception. It felt very full circle; the narrator seems to have a complex relationship with the father, and reminiscing on different qualities makes this apparent.

You have just such a way with language that makes everything so poetic but still natural and easy to absorb! I like the light exploration of masculinity in the second and third stanzas; I think this added to the understanding of the father figure and perhaps how he affected the speaker? That said, some additional depth to the third stanza may be beneficial — I feel like there is a connection to the boyfriend and father that could be further explored? As is it feels a little unconnected to/takes away from the memories of the father, but maybe that's just me! Like does this speak to the father's role as a father figure? Or more so the speaker? Maybe worth exploring!

Overall, I really like the emotional turmoil explored in this. Describing loss of a loved one, even if the relationship was complex, is definitely therapeutic and vulnerable. It's clearly a raw subject matter, but the way this poem is written is very sensitive and gentle. I can tell it comes from a place of genuine emotion.

Anyway, can't wait to read more!

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Tue Aug 06, 2024 10:52 am

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Seoyoung wrote a review...

Hi hi!

This is so beautiful! It's so cathartic to write about parents. I feel emotions that I can't place when I read this. My father is a smoker as well, so it hits home... That kind of imagery is the kind that is a punch to the gut! Reading this was like walking through my childhood home! That is so intense just by reading a few words. I've never read your other poetry, but wow you must be a great poet! Just wow!

The last stanza, oh my goodness! There is such a generational ache that never dies, and I feel it now. Combined with everything, it's almost a sensory overload!

I wish there was more of a look into the personal relationship though! Reparations for what? If he came back rarely, why not go more in depth on him being away? Stuff like that can make the pacing more consistent. I'm sure it can be hard though! Writing about family can be painful, but it's the little things that count! Punctuation can also affect this, so maybe just maybe play around with that, too.

This was so genuine! I was hooked on every word when I was reading it! ^-^ I'm not a poet-y person, so I think that speaks for itself hehe. I love!

~ Seoyoung

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Tue Aug 06, 2024 4:09 am

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EllieMae wrote a review...

Hey friend! Wow, this poem is so incredible that I almost don't feel worthy to leave a review. I have so many thoughts, really deep thoughts, that I hope I can find the right words to share. Let's jump right into the review, shall we?

This poem is so simple, but you craft it in such a beautiful way that makes it overwhelmingly complex. But that's exactly perfect. You tell the story of your father and some memories that you have of him. You compare them to your first boyfriend. And then you return to talking about your father, through memories, but also visual, physical and emotional reflections. One thing that I love about your poetry is that you expand on every single thought you share. I really loved the stanza where you talk about your boyfriend's eyes going black when he gets angry, with him waking holes in the wall. Then you turn this into a comparison to your father. It starts with a comparison about hitting things, but then it turns into a reflection on withdrawal, which could be from so many more things. I absolutely love this part:

he was awfully sad for a man who had
everything. you could smell it coming off of him,
sticky like a fever. i wonder if that's what kept him
coming back, rarely, whenever he needed
proof of his consolation prize.

I can interpret this in so many different ways. I could see senses of sarcasm, or it could be completely literal. You describe him as being someone who had everything, but he had to keep coming back, almost as if it was proof, proof that gave him the ability to feel the way he felt. Overall, I love the narrative tone that you use. It's so distinct and unique amongst all of your poetry. Seriously you were amazing.

I like how you go through so many senses. You talk about how your father smelt, and then you talk about the sweaty boys, this really builds a big sensory experience for me as I read. Although I cannot relate to your exact life and situation, I find a lot of comfort in your words. They feel oddly safe to me, even though this is a narrative piece of your own life. I feel like through your words I can really come to know a person. Thank you so much for sharing this! I sure love your poetry and can't wait to see more.

Your friend,
Ellie