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Young Writers Society



This popped into my head on Corel Painter, of all things.

by deadly_teapot


Love

I would like
if you merely came across
to me and said
what i'd love to say

What isn't loving anymore?
and what isn't good?
those meaningless words
turned, almost bitter by time
I'm sure you meant well
When you said that you love me

well I'm scared of that word
Scared, scared scared of what I don't comprehend!
Scared, scared
like a docile mouse in the sights of an eagle
in the sky

Scared of that word
I hate it, I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I don't understand love
Please,
Don't say it again...?


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User avatar
766 Reviews


Points: 650
Reviews: 766

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Sun Sep 02, 2018 7:12 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there dude.
Doing my revmo sweep for poems without proper reviews.

First thing, the color.
Personally I am not a fan of having the text colored in works, in a similar manner to how I don’t like pictures being place in there. It’s just all very distracting to me as a reader. I’m now more focused on the screaming red color than I am on the actual content? You don’t reallt want that to be consistently happening.

The capitalization and punctuation combo isn’t very consistent. This poem has a lot of issues that are rather minor things individually but once combined, they’re painful for the reader. I like how you didn’t originally fall feign to the idea that every line needs a cap. I appreciate it when poets remember that’s not necessary.
But by the last stanza, this idea has turned and not for the better.
I’d think about consistency as a cosmetic issue in the future for this poem.

Then there’s the flow. Luckily the other reviewers have heavily covered it. But for a further explanation, resources has so many articles on the subject.

The idea is not great and the execution is plain, but with the right amount of work, any poem can turn into a great poem.
- Lizz




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116 Reviews


Points: 1944
Reviews: 116

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Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:31 pm
ForsakenAngel wrote a review...



I saw this on the last page with only 1 review, so I wanted to try to help out.

deadly_teapot wrote:#FF0000 ">Love

I would like
if you merely came across
to me and said
what i'd love to say

What isn't loving anymore?
and what isn't good?
those meaningless words
turned, almost bitter by time
I'm sure you meant well
When you said that you love me

well I'm scared of that word
Scared, scared scared of what I don't comprehend!
Scared, scared
like a docile mouse in the sights of an eagle
in the sky

Scared of that word
I hate it, I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I don't understand love
Please,
Don't say it again...?


Wow, nice. OK, so in line 4, "i'd" needs to be capital (I'm not big on that, or punctuation, but some people are) Second stanza, "well" needs to be capital, and I agree with Chevy that the "?" needs to be taken off, unless that's a question, than you would say "Are you going to say it again...?" or something like that.
Overall, I liked this, it had emotion, but, like Chevy said, it didn't flow to well, but that didn't bother me, I understood it perfectly.
If you need me to review anything else, shoot me a PM and I'll take a look!

~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~




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665 Reviews


Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

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Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:53 pm
Chevy wrote a review...



wow. this poem did not really flow that well but it was sensational! i don't call me things sensational but this one truly was....brilliant job. *Shakes deadly_teapot*'s hand. Also, i think you should take the "?" off the end but other than that, dont change a single thing....this poem was phenomenal.





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