Sollicitus Intus - "Anxious Within"

by danipower0204

Published March 14, 2011

Another acrostic for our reading pleasure. Again, in latin, as usual.

Shriek and shrill within my heart,
Omnipresent is the dart of
Love, the one I cannot
Lure, nor can I seek it pure, for
I am boiling, toiling deep within, though
Caressing 'tis not, no, splintering!
I ask you not believe it is a boil
That shines a light out of my soil, but
Understand that closed within, I
Suffer xenophobic sin.
I drown so lonesome in my puddle,
Now that heart's a prickéd bubble,
That this mind is now so sore, my
Utmost will it drives no more.
So I think, but even mountains grow.


Please tell me what you think. Thank you!

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
EtCetera
Review
EtCetera wrote a review Review · May 12, 2011

I really enjoy the acrostics, especially since you reached for the Latin, which I've only done once. The language you use is very strong, so I'm impressed. Overall, I usually find acrostics a little cliche at best and extremely overdone at the their worst. You have changed my mind that these are for immature poets because you definitely aren't. One correction that I so far don't see mention is as follows.
In the last two lines, I would highly suggest axing the or and comma and replace it with a period. "So I think, but even mountains grow" could be an even more intense ending to this already intense poem. One line endings (I think) are some of the most interesting and intense, but that's my opinion. All in all, I like it a lot. Well writ.

AdoxagraphyAngelus wrote a review Review · May 11, 2011

All of your acrostic poems have some kind of deeper meaning. I love it. :) Kudos to you for writing some that are different than the others on here are. Wonderful job. :)

TheEstimableEelz wrote a review Review · Mar 27, 2011

Acrostics are fun! I wrote an acrostic sonnet once... although I mixed up the rhyme scheme between the two sonnet types.
Edits first:

Shriek and shrill within my heart,
Omnipresent is the dart of
Love, the one I cannot
Lure, nor can I seek it pure, for
I am boiling, toiling deep within, though
Caressing 'tis not, no, splintering!
I ask you not believe it is a boil
That shines a light out of my soul:
Understand that closed within, I
Suffer xenophobic sin.
I drown so lonesome in my puddle,
Now that heart's a prickéd bubble,
That this mind is now so sore, my
Utmost will it drives no more, or
So I think, but even mountains grow.


Hard to edit, since I can't really change line breaks, so I had to make do with simple deletion (try not to end lines on prepositions and such, it doesn't sound so nice). Your imagery and sounds are nice, and the flow is there.
As to what it's about...
Spoiler
Attracted to one of foreign descent yet xenophobic? Just a guess.


Nice to read, gets the brain working and tugs a bit at the emotions, keep it up!

Random avatar
danipower0204
Comment
danipower0204 commented Comment · Mar 15, 2011

I there, thanks for your review. The idea was just how I felt that day. I decided to make my feelings a poem. As to the meaning, the word xenophobic has a lot to do with it ;)

Random avatar
lele253isme
Review
lele253isme wrote a review Review · Mar 15, 2011

I like this poem, I like the descriptions in it. I didn't quite understand it, though. What is the motive of the poem and where did you get the idea to write it from? I like the way you wrote this and I like the way you made the ltters stand for words. I forget what that is called. And keep writing.



You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author