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Ruri's poem

by dahlia58


My tears staining the floor like blood,

the night's shadows haunting my every thought,

the agonizing poison coursing through my body and soul,

and only the moon's rays keeping me sane.

I just want to be free. 

Somebody, save me please.

But all I see is my reflection in the broken mirror.


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68 Reviews


Points: 3417
Reviews: 68

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Tue Oct 29, 2019 9:44 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, WinnyWriter here to leave a review. This is a unique thought you're using. Clearly the narrator must be experiencing dreadful agony. The way it's written, I get the idea that there is more than just physical pain going on. The part where it brings the word "sane" into the picture definitely shows that there is some mental/emotional pain as well. Great job showing the great desperation of the narrator. You're a talented writer, so keep up the good work.




dahlia58 says...


Thank you very much again. This isn't really meant to be a poem. It's supposed to show some of Ruri's thoughts (her mother's abusive).



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178 Reviews


Points: 1043
Reviews: 178

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Tue Oct 29, 2019 1:15 pm
EverLight says...



Oh. It posted my review twice. Sorry about that.
(Technology is exasperating...)




User avatar
178 Reviews


Points: 1043
Reviews: 178

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Tue Oct 29, 2019 1:14 pm
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EverLight says...



EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
Okay...I'm impressed. Especially by the first stanaza. This is awesome. Keep up the good poetry!

Nitpicks
Again, I'm happy to say, there were absolutely none. For an extra measure I ran it through Grammerly (I don't usually do that btw) just to have a secant pair of eyes, and it came back with this report-no issues found. So congratulations!

Style & Flow
I do I have a few suggestions as far as style goes-

the agonizing poison coursing through my body and soul,

and only the moon's rays keeping me sane.


I'd switch out that and for with.

Somebody, save me please.

But all I see is my reflection in the broken mirror.


That last line doesn't match up with the rest of the sentence. Maybe try removing it or do it this way-
I want to be free
But all I see is my reflection in the broken mirror


Other than that you did brilliantly. You've really improved!

EverLight Out




dahlia58 says...


Thank you.^^ This was written a while ago, and it's not really meant to be a poem. It just adds more info to Ruri's character (her mother's abusive).



EverLight says...


Your welcome.



User avatar
178 Reviews


Points: 1043
Reviews: 178

Donate
Tue Oct 29, 2019 1:14 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
Okay...I'm impressed. Especially by the first stanaza. This is awesome. Keep up the good poetry!

Nitpicks
Again, I'm happy to say, there were absolutely none. For an extra measure I ran it through Grammerly (I don't usually do that btw) just to have a secant pair of eyes, and it came back with this report-no issues found. So congratulations!

Style & Flow
I do I have a few suggestions as far as style goes-

the agonizing poison coursing through my body and soul,

and only the moon's rays keeping me sane.


I'd switch out that and for with.

Somebody, save me please.

But all I see is my reflection in the broken mirror.


That last line doesn't match up with the rest of the sentence. Maybe try removing it or do it this way-
I want to be free
But all I see is my reflection in the broken mirror


Other than that you did brilliantly. You've really improved!

EverLight Out





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